P.S.

Can't wait to try this!

One of many reasons how bears could be better than human.

Click here for another one. 'Moon bear suicide' makes me want to bury my head in shame. Bile farming is such a loss to the hope for humanity. Another reason is personal. I have been overusing the term suicidal. If the moon bear knows why, he would rip off my bones from my body.

RRRRAAAAAWWLLL YOU PUNY HUMAN!

"The marriage of linden blossom from Benedict's native Germany with frankincense from the Holy Land and bergamot from Italy creates a subtle and dignified fragrance, befitting a man of finely cultivated tastes. Barely perceptible is a nuance of citrus, and as it evolves, a discrete hint of musk. The overall impression is one of understated elegance. A slightly astringent and balsamic quality makes it a soothing and refreshing aftershave."

Benedictus

Another great thing about having a boyfriend is to have a reason to purchase this awesome men's cologne. :p

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king

JRR Tolkien

Except this:

Chicken Risoles



I have been getting fresh flowers supply from our Legion of Mary meeting. I really enjoyed spending some time to arrange them on whatever thing I could have them on. No wonder some people have flower arranging as their hobby, it is so therapeutic and it releases my sweet lady-wannabe hormones.

Here's the not-so-sweet detail: that's the drinking glass that I 'borrowed' from my dorm's dining hall

another not-so-sweet detail: that's the empty bottle of a hair-loss tonic that I put on myself 6 months ago.

brings you back to sweet-lady mode

And here is one thought about flowers: real flowers live and die. Cool, if you contrast them with plastic flowers.

Cloudy and rainy these days and nothing can be more warming than warm tummy. :D
One day I will relive that pumkin and corn soup!

In my own thoughts, like a teabag.

'There is nothing better than a friend unless it is a friend with chocolate.'

'What a brilliant video! ... It's cute to see kids as grown up. But kids shouldn't be grown ups. I like how it ended.'

Sweet. (Both the video and the comment)

With this, and the previous post, I see that children are God's messenger on earth.

A very very precious slice indeed!

Looking at her gracious expression makes me feel very warm inside. Thank you for this sweet sweet reminder. God bless Madeline and her family!

Especially when you have to understand 'mean field theory'. Literally.

A friend called me last night. We both entered the university together around 3.5 years ago. Both of us came from the less popular high school in Indonesia, but of course, no place can ever beat Pontianak's suburban-ity. He went on majoring in Engineering. After so long a time, we updated each other on life, and oh shoot... there it came along: post graduation plan.

I wished I could mute the world when he told me how his job application was going on, his strategy and his telling me how he was glad with his Engineering degree. If he knew how I am actually doing now, he would feel really guilty of saying those. It's like munching a cake in front of a beggar.

Three and a half year, and I am still trapped in this identity crisis, constantly living in denials and dreadful uncertainty. I survived this whole apocalypse of future planning by worrying so much, until I could not take it anymore and consoled myself with this idea: 'screw the success and the money, follow your passion'.

But, this is why I am trapped.

Yes. screw the money and the narrow definition of success, but can I ever have self-esteem? There is no passion without talent, and almost certainly, without a character. And this complication is courtesy of my identity crisis. I am afraid I am just finding excuse for myself, believing that there is such thing as ' young spirit. I saw it works in the 1950s movies where youths just ventured their life to find their passion. I am 21 year-old living in 2010s, the era of meritocracy, where good is never good enough. I can say 'screw the money, and follow your passion', but I cannot deny how self-indulgent I would be. Everyone starts off very early in building their careers so they can relax later when they are 40 something. And even if they can't relax until they are 80 something, being fettish as they are, wouldn't the effort give them self-satisfaction? If I keep on being like this; going against the current (by not working as hard as everyone else) and wasting my years in vagueness; how would it be when I suddenly wake up in my 40s, with children to feed and debt to pay. What would I tell my children about hard work and character?

'As long as we are happy and as long as we are together', again, like in many movies. But I have witnessed myself how impossible it was to be happy when you had to live with so much financial limitation. There is no such thing as happy poor family, except in movies and classic novels. You can farm and feed yourself in the past but not today. You got to work for it and how would you find the time to enrich yourself for something that does not pay when the bills are waiting to be paid?

Money can never buy happiness, but I learnt that it can buy things that make you happy. As a kid, I was not allowed to buy books because good books were too expensive, so mum had to made up a reason that reading spoiled my eyes. Mum was never interested to read anything because we need to save up and if she needed to have a break from working, she would prefer something free : sleep. No enrichment of any forms. When we had family vacation, she would arrange for the cheapest room, cheapest meal, cheapest place to shop, free entry places. That's why I never liked family vacation. When it was supposed to be refreshing and bonding, it just gave all of us stress and tiredness. I'd rather stayed at home.

People say this is shallow. That's how middle class people like me get desperate for self-efficacy. And looking back at how I was raised just saddened me. Perhaps that's how the identity crisis came. I am in the sea of people who were so proper and well-educated.They read good books and watched good movies as a child or went for a ballet or dance class or sport, they heard about their parents' job, they have stories about their parents. They have self-esteem, they know what they want in life. I see this people around me. And I want to be like that, can I not help it? It was such an awful life, can I not have something better?

I am not blaming my parents for this, they are just as unfortunate as I am, if not less. I just find it hard to make peace with myself. I am a bit traumatized with my decisions in taking Physics in NUS and selling my soul to S company for 4-year scholarship with 6 year bond, and living in constant denial to this day. I want to slap you, me-from the-past. I hate you , I really really hate you.

And my friend who called last night, this is what you've done to me. Not your fault but the timing is really not right. (that's how anti-social people exist!)  I have test on Monday and I have not been studying since last night because of this. I panicked and started looking for jobs only to get more panic attack and as usual, until I exhausted myself.