P.S.

As the year is approaching an end in few days, life has once again shaded in sepia and black and white potraits of the past. Been thinking of things that happened throughout this year. Also, many things so long has passed. People come and go, things done and undone, and everything changes...

Things, people, do not change for the sake of what someone else tell them to, they do not change because one tell them to, or even more because one tell them not to. Everybody has no control in anything other than him/herself. So maybe someone like me should better give up of expecting too much or fearing too much from changes.

People change when they have to. Thus, I am giving up.

Days in Stockholm is ending soon. This is the last week and I am going to get myself to work on this mission impossible. I have a final project due on Wednesday, it is a paper, decent publication paper on nanotechnology for atherosclerosis, and I just started to spell 'atherosclerosis' when I typed this post. Presentation will be on Friday. It seems unmanageable because I need to get another take home examination on Quantum Optics done by Friday, too.

And I am trying to squeeze in a weekend pilgrim to Vastedna this week before leaving on Monday afternoon, 5 hour away from Stockholm. It had been my primary reason to go to Sweden for exchange, because it is the country of St. Bridget, my idol and my patron saint. I have not managed to do a single trip since the last 5 months here. I am a boring person, and troublesome one, too. I don't care. But I really want to have this one.

It all sounds impossible, no? But here is the thing:

God does not need great pathos or great works. He needs greatness of hearts. He cannot calculate with zeroes - Father Alfred Delp

Our Lord knew it all along all the sorrow He must endure when He took His Father's will to become man for our salvation. His mother was there all the time, suffering heartache as painful as possible and she was weeping for her tremendous sorrow.

God let this happen to Himself and His most beloved mother. And now that He let some of my dear friends to share His Passion, may we all see that life is more than its visible distress and loss. No matter how painful it is, the Ultimate Truth seeks to console us when we finally get to meet Him face to face. Mother Mary wept, but she knows exactly that God was not dead, something greater than ever was beneath the sorrows. And so us, too, even with tears draining, we keep this hope within.

May God give you the strength, my friends...

For the things nobody would like to know, He wants to.
For the things unsaid, those are most clearly audible to Him.
For the things you cannot tell anyone to, you can always trust God.

For He is listening and answering, if you listen enough to His voice calling you from the wilderness.

She is everything sweet, everything beautiful and everything gentle. She loves everyone and despises not anyone. She is God's beloved and God let her be our refuge and our mother, too!



Hail Mary, full of grace
the Lord is with thee
blessed art, thou amongst women
and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of God
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.

Lead, Kindly Light, amidst th'encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home,
Lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou
Shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on.
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone,
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Meantime, along the narrow rugged path,
Thyself hast trod,
Lead, Saviour, lead me home in childlike faith,
Home to my God.
To rest forever after earthly strife
In the calm light of everlasting life.

Erick found out that I was stranded with an address in my hand. So he showed me this:



What is an address?

Is it a name for a building?
Is it a plot of a land?

It is an idea.

Drop Thy still dews of quietness
Till all our striving cease
Take from our soul the strain and stress
And let our ordered life confess
The beauty of Thy peace

Help us, dear Lord.

As Andrea Adami wrote, in character, Allegri was regarded as singularly pure and benevolent.

So that's how this masterpiece were created.

To be honest, Advent season had always come post-exam and coincided with vacation when the world was once again bright and peaceful. I was always 'ready' to be merry and happy for Christmas even without significant effort to go through the supposedly reflective and contemplative Advent Season.

But not this year. As Advent was coming near, I was reaching the edge of myself and I really did not expect much on this Christmas. 'I don't have time for you because my world is crumbling around me. Leave me alone.', I feel like being one of the people who dismissed a place for Mother Mary to give birth.

That bad.

I don't know if there is anybody else out there who is going through something like this, or maybe even worse. It's the point in life where I witness the immense desires and longings reach a point of eruption in me. It seemed helpless because I could not find inside me what is needed to fix the things I have made wrong.

Do not stop praying and hoping, even before the fact of our boundless human yearnings and the ocean of human defects. I hope this article could be useful to take back the hope and faith you have left and make good use of this momentous Advent season, because through this I finally came to a realization that this could be the Christmas when I really get to welcome my Savior. This loss and confusions that I am struggling with is the spiritual gift that assures me that the waiting for the Lord is all worthwhile.

The deepest meaning of Advent cannot be understood by anyone who has not experienced being terrified unto death about himself and his human prospects and likewise what is revealed within himself about the situation and constitution of mankind in general.

This entire message about God's coming, about the Day of Salvation, about redemption drawing near, will be merely divine game-playing or sentimental lyricism unless it is grounded upon two clear findings or fact.

The first finding : insight to, and alarm over, the powerlessness and futility of human life in relation to its ultimate meaning and fulfillment. That powerlessness and futility are both boundaries of our existence and are also consequences of sin. At the same time we are keenly aware that life does have an ultimate meaning and fulfillment.

The second finding : the promise of God to be on our side, to come to meet us. God resolved to raise the boundaries of our existence and to overcome the consequences of sin.

However, as a result, the basic condition of life always has an Advent dimension: boundaries, and hunger, and thirst, and lack of fulfillment, and promise, and movement toward one another. That means, however, that we basically remain without shelter, under way and open until the final encounter, with all the humble blessedness and painful pleasure of this openness.

Therefore, there is no interim finality and the attempt to create final conclusions is an old temptation of mankind. Hunger and thirst, and desert journeying, and the survival teamwork of mountaineers on a rope - these are the truth of our human condition. The promises given relate to this truth, not to arrogance and caprice. There really are promises given to this truth though, and we can and should rely upon them. The truth will make you free (Jn 8:32).

That truth is the essential theme of life. Everything else is only expression, result, application, consequence, testing and practice. May God help us to wake up to ourselves and in doing so, to move from ourselves toward him.

FATHER ALFRED DELP, SJ

All our lives we've dreamed about it
Just to find that it was never real
This sure ain't no great Valhalla
Coming closer each turn of the wheel
Forlorn, adrift on seas of beige
In this our Golden Age

Even in our darkest hour
Never thought that it could get so bad
Bullied, suckered, pimped and patronised
Every day your tawdry little lives
So loose your head
And step within
The silence deafening

Now you saw it coming and I saw it coming
We all saw it coming but we still bought it
You saw it coming and I saw it coming
But still running full steam ahead

In and out of consciousness
It breaks my heart to see you like this
Crying, wringing hands and cursing fate
Always so little far too late
It's 3am I'm wide awake
There's still one call to make
One call

Now you saw it coming and I saw it coming
We all saw it coming but we still bought it
You saw it coming and I saw it coming
We all saw it coming but we still bought it

Hey, running full steam ahead
Running full steam ahead
Running full steam
Gonna cover my eyes, gonna cover my eyes
Running full steam, yeah
Now you saw it coming and I saw it coming
We all saw it coming but we still bought it
You saw it coming and I saw it coming
We all saw it coming but we still bought it

I was asking myself of what I would do if I had the remote control like in Adam Sandler's movie 'Click'.

No, not 'rewind'. I don't like my past. And the thought of having to do everything all over again, that would be like trapped in a nightmare.

'Fast forward'. Not that, not that, too. I am scared. It's like a horror movie to me.

Duh...

Honestly, I want to press 'Eject'.

'Power off'

Haha... Because I need to work harder, not to watch movies.

But seriously, it's hard.

People say : 'Ignorance is a bliss' and also that 'knowledge is power'.

I am wondering if I am the odd one out of this humanity. Everything that commonly applies to people, it just couldn't fit in me. I have been feeling taunted by things that I know and at the same time, stuck in impasse because of things that I do not.

My brain, I'm so sorry for not using you well. I cause this imbalance of serotonin and norepinephrine (correct spelling?). I feel like giving my brain a pat and a hug.

But it's not possible without having my head opened up. o.0

Hang in there.

This very touching version of Mindy's 'Child of Light'



captures very nicely the gift of our being in Divine Filiation.

We all have the Light within and it shines through the darkness of our life. We might not see it ourselves. But God see it, recognize it, know it by Heart. And He knows the way, He knows every way, even the path that passes through the valley of death. With His mighty staff, He will lead you.

The world is not as perfect as how sweet songs sound, not as exciting as the book that I am reading because I, and I guess many people out there too, keep wondering why it couldn't be as great. Can I have a friend like Sam? Will there ever be someone who sing this song to me?

Instead of waiting for a friend like Sam, be a friend like him. Sing this song to your loved one. Don't forget to be nice to yourself, too. Something that I always find hard to be.

Awww... who's the good briggy? *hug myself*

That way, we are making our own dream a reality, right?

Life is not supposed to be less inviting than any human's creation. Be romantic, be heroic, make it real.

Pat pat to myself.

It is okay to make mistake. Nothing goes in vain even when it seems that so much had been lost and regretted. At the very least, you got to be more understanding to others who probably did the same mistakes (especially this kind of seemingly silly and worthless mistake) and later on could give your shoulder to those in need. Life does not come with manual, so it is fine to make mistakes. All the more when you usually still keep making mistakes even when instruction is very straightforward. We are only human, it's just that.

Hm, actually life does come with manual. It's all in the Scripture, the Living Word.

Nothing to despair, the Manual says there is always chance to start again and everything is going to be alright.

Carry on carry on.

(Disclaimer : This post has nothing to do with cannibalism and mutilation. )

So I was walking back to my dorm with two of my classmate. There was this guy from Milan who seemed to be skeptical about the Church and her teachings, a very nice guy though.

Nice Guy : ... I mean, I can't even understand why would a woman want to be a Christian. The bible says that you are made out of a man's rib cage. Isn't that degrading?
Me : ... (stunned) Are you kidding me? That woman was created from a man's rib cage is the most romantic thing ever!

I remember reading something like this. A woman was not created from a man's head to be above him, nor was she created from his foot to be under him. A woman was taken from a man's side to stand beside him, from beneath his arm to be protected by him, from near his heart to be loved by him.

How could it be degrading? Let's see how much I got from my primary biology. Rib protects vital organs such as heart and lungs. Just imagine how the rib cage would let itself to be broken to protect the heart from damages. It shows exactly what an honorable creature a woman is to a man. You, woman, support him as the rib cage support the body. You are the rib that protects what is within himself.

"Hope is not a victory" - Tolkien

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us" - Gandalf to Frodo in LOTR FOTR.

Feels like the world keeps playing tricks on me. I am running back and forth following the bait it offers to me, only to find that it is nothing but a deadly poison in candy shell. With chocolate sprinkles, how am I supposed to resist it? People from Physics Department really should stop giving out false messianic hope that everyone could actually do Physics, that a bright future comes along with a Physics degree. And everything about this exchange program, only to put me stranded in this place of exile. A cruel trick indeed.

How am I supposed to think after all of this bitter episodes? That the world hates me and everything good it seems to offer is a mere trick to play on a fool like me?

I am teetering between what's real and what's not. This cunning darkness and loneliness makes it so hard to live with.

Is this also another trick? Fool, you never learn.

What lies ahead of this darkness?

Will I just bump to another wall?

Will I fall to a deep abyss?

Why should I risk it? Another step I take would only lead me to another darkness.

But I know there is an end for this dark and cold tunnel.

And when it feels like you are all alone, not even your own shadow befriends you, believe that your friend is there. It is just this darkness. But he is there.

Courage, please.

I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for. - My hero, Samwise Gamgee

Is it still there, the home that I am going to.

My mind flew away into a memory box. I remembered being very small and very young.

Was thinking: if babies are smart, how is it that I am dumb? Had I failed growing up properly? Ugh..

Then, I came across an old Japanese drama that I watched when I was in kindergarten. It was a tremendously sad and emo drama. I couldn't believe I watched something like that when I was young. The story was about a 10 year old girl, but really I now think that it was not something for any children of that age. I just realised how the over dramatization of the turmoils in the story might have given me the drama and the bitterness from a very young age.

Really should pay attention on what children and even babies see and hear.

They say God is like a parent who love all His children, and all the hardships are there to teach the children to grow. Is it too much to ask Him to stop? Am I such a bad child for asking Him how could He be so mean to even think of creating something like me? Didn't He see through what mess I would become? Didn't He pity those whom I have been a burden to?

I wish I were nothing
living in a place called nowhere.

He is indeed a great man. But I might have a slightly different reason for saying that. Many people admire him for his visions in technology, especially through his Apple brands. I myself own a MacBook Pro, and I have been a satisfied user ever since I bought it 2 years ago. My first mp3 player was an iPod shuffle that my Dad bought me when it was still new in the market around 6 or 7 years ago. It still functions well, I believe. I broke the charger because of my own carelessness a year ago and could not find the replacement because apparently Apple has stopped producing that old version of iPod shuffle. I never have another mp3 player up to now. I can't say much about his other products because I don't have them. And at some point, I felt a slight dislike towards him and his Apple company for selling the most expensive products in their ecosystem. But again, I am not a person who follows the gadgets and who is savvy enough to comment on his innovations in this area.

It was last year when I was very stressed with school and myself, I tried to find some encouragement by looking for any commencement speech online because usually those speeches tend to bring uplifting messages about future - something that I was dying to hear. Then I found his commencement speech as the most recommended by my search engine.

I could not help but admire that guy. His words are so blunt and what he told the people touched exactly the things that I had been reflecting then.

I was so blown away by the story of his life and how he managed to see and think beyond of all the vicissitudes of life, and death.

It was quite dangerous, though. When he said he was a college drop-out and that he could not find any point of paying a tremendous amount of money just to get a degree, I was so inspired to quit school. Haha...

But this is what differs me so much from this Apple dude : I have no guts.

More or less one year has passed, and I am still keeping that speech on my mind. Of course this poor memory can't do, but thanks to iTunes, I downloaded his speech for free from Standford's archive and I am still having it here on my Mac.

But I am still the same miserable person as when I watched the speech for the first time, if not worse. Finding the things that you would love to do for life is not easy at all. And I envy him for having found that while he lived and worked his whole heart and mind for that. I wish I could die as someone who has lived the life fully, doing what I love, and not wasting the very limited time that I have, as he had done. So thanks to you, Steve, now I don't even feel worthy of dying.

Anyway, the last thanks is not sincere.

Then, also about his legendary temper, his tantrums, and his unabashed bashing of employees who he deemed unqualified. But yet, he was revered, respected, and loved. I am so envious for that. I hope he sees it now that that's one thing he might have missed in his life. The fact that he is a genius doesn't mean that he can treat anybody the way he feels like doing. I am saying this because I think I will get bashed a lot had I been working with him.

But that's just how the world works. How many influential people with good manners and big heart can you find? The world doesn't need nice guys, no? Again, it was him who pointed this equivocal truth to me.

Farewell, Apple dude. I wonder how it is there. Have you seen the truth? Have you finally realized what matters the most? Do you know how much I want to live the way you did? Do you know how hard it is for me? Anyway, do you regret for not going to church during your life? :p I am praying for your soul.

And guess what, at least I manage to fulfill one of your life philosophy :

Stay hungry, stay foolish

'There is an expiry date for blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction. - J.K. Rowling'

Is it just a part in my youth episodes? Or will it be forever?
I don't know why I keep putting up with it.

The horrors are there to be inflicted upon me. But even more scarier than those is my own ability to endure them.

I have a QM test tomorrow and I just realized that now. I haven't been touching anything about it for the last 2 weeks. Oh, when I said 2 weeks, it is equivalent to half a semester in KTH. I thought NUS was the worst university for compacting what's supposed to be learnt in 1 year in USA to 1 semester. Here, we had to finish it in 2 months. Hahahaha...

CRAZY

When I am back in Sg, I'll tell people, I failed all my modules.

'Ah, so you traveled a lot and didn't study, huh?'

Nope.

Fuuuuuu......nnnn

Neither here nor there
Neither yesterday nor today
Neither now or later
Neither with nor without you

What a hopeless and helpless word.

Such a long night away from anything warm because I am being an ice queen.

A post from a weirdo here.

Never I heard any bad testimony from students who have been to SEP. Ya they said there would be unexpected things, culture shock, homesickness. But never I thought that it would be this bad. I really regret going for SEP. I don't think I am capable of living like this. Ah, I just remembered! I am not capable of doing anything right.

Bitter.

My math is just as poor as my everything else. So I could only list down the costs that I have to pay, too hard for me to put numbers in:
Material costs
Opportunity costs
Emotional costs

I am broke. As in one of The Script's song : 'There's no hole in my shoe but a big hole in my heart.'

I don't know why I am posting this. I don't wish anyone to know how miserable I am. And I am not giving advice to anyone seeking for it. I mean, what kind of advice is this: 'Don't go to SEP if you are that silly.'. Even I wouldn't listen had anyone told me that a year ago.

But this is okay, right? No one reads. No one knows the blog address and no one could read what's hidden in plain sight, no one could read so much hidden between the lines. Only me and my future self, that is, if it exists anyway.

can't see the point of going for exchange program

I'm moving to the brighter side of life.

Have been stuck with few things here, few problems, they are.

But it is during these hard times you get to see how kind people are, how they would get out of their way to help.

Therefore I am thankful for everything, grateful of everything, especially for one particular thing.

Snowdrops and daffodils
butterflies and bees
sailboats and fishermen
things of the sea
wishing-wells
wedding bells
early morning dew
all kinds of everything remind me of you

Seagulls and aeroplanes
things of the sky
winds that go howlin'
breezes that sigh
city sights
neon lights
grey skies or blue
all kinds of everything remind me of you

Summertime
wintertime
spring and autumn too
Monday
Tuesday every day
I think of you.
Dances
romances
things of the night

sunshine and holidays
postcards to write
Budding trees
autumn leaves
a snowflake or two
all kinds of everything remind me of you.

Summertime
wintertime
spring and autumn too
seasons will never change
the way that I love you.

Dances
romances
things of the night
sunshine and holidays
postcards to write
Budding trees
autumn leaves
a snowflake or two
all kinds of everything remind me of you.


What a lovey song.. I can't get enough of this. The singer is Dana White, a Catholic Irish, which makes me love her even more. Her voice is so serene and sweet. It literally reminds me of how beautiful life is, all the good things and memories, all the love and care. Alright then, this shall be my emergency kit when emo-ness attack.

..all kinds of everything, remind me of you..

I seem to devalue the song every time I try to sing along.

I still wish to sing this to someone, tho..

Maybe someday.

Well, although not as good

:)

It is a miserable corner you push yourself into when your biggest source of joy is making others happy.

You'd better find another job, unfunny clown.

The feeling deceived.

The mind blinded.

The brain scattered.

Speak to me, do you know one thing about love?

Nope. I don't know.

Me neither...

... *sensing a strong inclination of emo-ness*

Then you should go to sleep and have a good night rest now.

I had a (sweet) dilemma several days ago. I want to buy a good compact camera for myself. After days of research and interview, I even visited funan mall several times, I had my eye on a Lumix.

Nothing good comes in low price, though. The best price I could get for this piece is S$520

It is not cheap, I know. Think of what S$520 could have been spent for: buffet in a fancy restaurant, a smartphone, good books.... But I could not resist thinking of having one every time I watch the sun sets, full moon, flowers and trees... I must invest in a good camera...!

But S$520... that's a lot to me.... and I have been spending a lot of money on my coming trip to Europe.

...
....
.....
......
Life is short, you know

SO I AM GETTING ONE FOR MYSELF! HUAHUAHUAHAHAHA!



Yes! it is 16X optical zoom. I can snap your nerves!

The weather has not been as beautiful as before, though. Yesterday was raining and today was cloudy. I have also passed a full moon and therefore might have to wait for another month to try the zoom on the moon.

But of course, I won't let the weather hinder me from take good pics. Here are some snaps:


playing with the focus


was trying to capture a tiny butterfly FAILED


between the tread and the riser




A pink hummingbird


caught a glimpse of 2 pretty yellow feathered birds while I was waiting for the bus in front of Central Library. Can you spot them?


I set the zoom to its max and capture this person's nerve system!

Will put more pictures for the blog! :D

As I recall, at exactly this very same moment last month, I swore to myself to maximize the meter of effectiveness and enjoyment once I get rid off examinations then. I listed them down :

1. Study Spanish
2. Read more about Sweden and some europe countries that I am gg to visit.
3. Finish a spiritual reading
4. Read something good.
5. Keep fit by regular swimming and jogging, lose some weight
6. Learn realistic b&w drawing
7. Learn knitting --> I also dunno where this come from. suddenly dropped into my train of thoughts
8. Get a camera and take good pictures of nature
9. Write more! Gotta be more!
10. Watch good old movies.
11. Catch up with friends. Make new friends if possible
12. Food hunting
13. Study Physics --> it happened around that period during school days every semester, the thought of "Oh I wish I had spent some time to prepare this during last vacation"

And so now it has been one month since I was granted my freedom (that was, when my Marxist Stats Mechanics professor declared the end of my last paper. I even did 5 mins countdown to kill the time. Mind had run out of idea of what to bluff on my answer sheet). I ended up reaching at this point of time, realising that I have not fulfilled my goal!

I must resist the strong, tempting current of apathy and time wastage! And I mean it! See? I am writing my first post ever after holiday. I am getting myself on the track, ow yeah!

Do you notice that I change the heading of my blog? It has been changed over and over again following my mood-rollercoaster. I know my mood swings easily from one extreme point to another one. I don't know how to get rid off it. It is so uncool. :((

*swoosh* ....and once again I was swept away to the emoland...

It is true that I am not certain of myself. I can't promise myself to consistently write about either only inspiring things or post my everyday compillation poems for suicide. Nor can I write about specific things, like faith, movies, books, study etc etc... I have never been one to say that I am good at anything. (not really, I think I am the best person for fooling around :p) I could even say that I still don't have affection to something great enough to make me write about it.

That won't stop me, though.

Because... ! ! Just as potato chips will taste much nicer when it have ruffles, and so is life! Who would prefer flat chips anyway??!?

Even if you think that was an epic fail to end a post.

I am mugging alright.

I am by myself (as always) and when I was tired I felt so lonely and sad (as always).

But actually solitude is not that bad. I prefer being in solitude rather than wasting time with people who don't give a damn. Ya, I don't like them.

I don't like anything. I don't know how to love, I can't force myself to love people cos nobody loves me. and because actually no one takes time to love.

I have forgotten how to love.

STOP!!!!



Lord, I need to talk...

The Donkey
by G K Chesterton

When fishes flew and forests walked
And figs grew upon thorn,
Some moment when the moon was blood
Then surely I was born;

With monstrous head and sickening cry
And ears like errant wings,
The devil's walking parody
On all four-footed things.

The tattered outlaw of the earth,
Of ancient crooked will;
Starve, scourge, deride me: I am dumb,
I keep my secret still.

Fools! For I also had my hour;
One far fierce hour and sweet:
There was a shout about my ears,
And palms before my feet.

I woke up today with so heavy heart, felt like failure once I opened my eyes. :(

I just went to library and study there, very quickly. My time is running out and I need to rush because today I will have to go for Legion Curia and I promised the people at Hillcrest to go for their Spanish Night.

I could just skip it if I want. Honestly I really did not feel like going. I was sleep deprived and was so stressed and emo, that made me, without any reason (well, you dont need reason to feel sad. No argument could ever console someone who wants to be sad even when there are enough reasons to be happy), I became very hateful towards life and people, and frankly... God.

Actually, my problem is I had not been going for confession for like several weeks, and I felt like a crap. especially during these past few weeks, I had committed many awful sins. But I am so ashamed of myself. It is very embarrassing to talk about the same sins over and over again to the same priest. In my case, it is even worst, the priest and I know each other. Not that he will scold me or whatever, this priest is a very kind and good priest. I really dont know how to look at him if he knew about it. And I was also discouraged on myself keep confessing the same things every time I go for confession. Bluntly speaking, someone so self-centered like me goes to confession because I dread that someday I will die and go to hell. The fact that I keep repeating the same mistakes is a big question "Do you really love God?"

But the good thing is, I don't stop going for confession. Because I am a physicist, and I am insane! (Einstein defined insanity as doing the same things over and over again and hoping to get different results) ;p Nope nope. It is because I know that the problem is with myself, and not with the confession.

I was scared and I pray hard. I wrote down my sins and was tempted to confess only the small sins. But with a lot of courage, I finally write down the lethal ones. And I went into the confession room. Still hoping that the priest won't recognize my voice... But when I looked at the cross, my heart beat and somehow I speak even louder and clearer. As usual, Fr Joe gave a very nice spiritual direction.

And about my self-interested love of God (I love God because He happens to be the one who in the end will be the answer of my happiness and salvation, not because of Him being who He is), I would now think it more of this way: Like when I have a courtship with a boy, I would want the boy to love me for who I am. Not because he likes to see my beautiful face, or because he is proud of having a smart and cool girl like me as his girlfriend, or because he needs a girlfriend because he doesn't want people think that he is gay or uncool. That's not the kind of love that I want. I have been through this and I know how it feels. But of course the boy will always start with that kind of love. With good direction and courtship, he will definitely be able to love me as I am. So, the same applies to loving God. It is much better to start with this puppy love towards God (rather than being a skeptic who refuse to love anything) , so long as you keep growing and nurturing it to be a real love.

At the end of my confession, he asked me, "what do you have for Spanish dinner?"

"CRAP! He knows it is me!!!"

I was so embarrassed and no words came out of my mouth. The only thing that came across my mind that time is to get out of the confession chamber as soon as I could. So I awkwardly say:

"Well, Father, they are waiting for me downstairs."

And Father said :

"Oh, OK then. God bless you with your exams and apostolate"

I was making this face >:0 *shock* He definitely knew that it is me, the girl he meets every Thursday at Legion Meeting.

I know that I am not supposed to see confession that way. My bad.. my bad..

But above all, I am so grateful for the courage. I am now so much at peace, and optimist about my future. Thank God for today, for the consolations. I feel so brand new and I can see so many chances that God has offered to me. Thanks for the forgiveness and for this new outlook on life. Go for confession. Pray for a while and be humble upon God. He wants you to be clean (and it is so good to be clean) and He helps you to do the cleaning!



I am now so much at peace. I have reserved a day of retreat next Saturday to thank God, to receive many more graces.

I have to stay focused when studying!!!! AYO GGGGIIITTTT!!!!!!!!!

I hope someone's smile could distract me
I hope someone's fists could fight for me
So I don't have to see what lies ahead

I hope someone's love could blind me
I hope someone's arms could bind me
So I will never have to see what I've grown to be

One may think I am alright
But I need pills to sleep at night
and tonight the pills don't work
my body aches and head as heavy as stone

One may think I am alright
But I need lies to make it through the day
I am not okay

One may think I am doing fine
but if I have to draw it on a line
I am losing ground for every passing day
I am really not okay

But that's the thing that I will never say to you

Single Girl
by Sandy Posey

The single girl all alone in a great big town
The single girl gets so tired of love lettin' her down
The life's unreal and the people are homely
And the nights can get so lonely
The single girl needs a sweet lovin' man to lean on

I'm a single girl wonderin' if love could be passin' me by
I'm a single girl and I know all about men and their lies
Nobody loves me 'cause nobody knows me
Nobody takes the time to go slowly
The single girl needs a sweet lovin' man to lean on

I gotta make my own way
There's rent I gotta pay
I need a night-time love
To get me through the day

I'm a single girl all alone in a great big town
I'm a single girl and I get so tired of love lettin' me down
But there's a man I've yet to know
Waiting somewhere I've yet to go

Someday I'll have a sweet loving man to lean on
The single girl needs a sweet lovin' man to lean on
The single girl needs a sweet lovin' man to lean on

"..Opa sudah ndak ada..."

And on this night, I once again ride on my train of thoughts..

Money can't buy happiness. But people say money can buy things that make you happy. Well, I have been spending a lot of money on several things this past few weeks. A lot, I mean it, A LOT. How come I still don;t feel happy? I guess the money-buy-things-that-make-you-happy philosophy only applies to another class of people. I felt so unhappy because of this, and when I think of my parents at home I felt so bad and felt very guilty. When you don't have it you desperately want it. When you pay for it, the guilts come along. Would I feel the same way if I am a rich person? I don't know. Have never been one.. But for now, the closer I could get is to think of what I am going to do in the future that will enable me to be a rich person. That really doesn't help.

There are more things in this life other than money...

...

...

...

Friends, for example.

But where are they tonight?

Do I really have one?

Do I really know that I have any?

As I recall the friendships I have made since I was young, I remembered feeling unsatisfied with each single one. I end up parting with my "gangs" and wandered around trying to find my "real besties".

"Real Besties", you know, like the ones in the movies, someone you could share your problems and feelings, without any threat of insecurity.

I have always been insecure. I am always afraid of being alone. Though it may seems to other people that "Leave me alone" is well written on my face..

The problem is on me. I fear I will end up living like this for the rest of my life.

The truth is, I have kept too many secrets to myself. I have been living a life of secret. And since it is very clear that it is a secret, I can't tell anyone.

Because I feel so insecure.

I can't seem to find anyone to tell how heavy my heart is. Can't even find the words to describe it.

What's the use of going for exchange? I would only waste my parents' money to go far away only to emo myself there.

What's the use of being a Physics student if you are that stupid? Even worse, if you don't have any idea what you are doing, or what you are going to do. The only thing I am sure of is that I am unsure. Or maybe I just pretend to be unsure despite my very consent of me hating this Physics things.

What's the use of going to World Youth Day? Hoping for a real conversion? I have seen myself kept falling, even in this momentous Lent season. I have been going to confession only to confess the same sins every week.

The faith is beautiful, and God is good, the problem is only with myself.

What's the point of it all???

If you know you are a chronic emo person, maybe you should stop listening to emo songs, like what I did recently. I enjoy listening to Chopin's Nocturne in C, C sharp minor, E minor... Mercy Street, Bohemian Raphsody, Stairway to Heaven... When I am emo, I listen to songs like these, altho they do not make me happier, I do enjoy them.

In fact, that's the dangerous thing. You are compiling an album of "Compilation for Suicide". It took a friend to make me realize that I enjoy them because I was indulging too much self-pity/ self centeredness.

Help yourself, change your playlist. Fill it with songs like these :



In my playlist now :
1. Kenny G - Sentimental
2. Ben E King - Stand by Me
3. Percy Sledge - When a Man Loves a Woman
4. Peggy March - I will follow him
5. Doris Troy - Just One Look
6. Buddy Holly - true Love Ways
7. Otis Redding - Sitting on the Dock on the Bay
8. George Michael - Kissing a Fool
9. Survivor - Eye of the Tiger
10. Close to You - Trixx

and the likes.

You need to get out of the vicious cycle, start with your playlist.

BadCatholic: Because the Church Is Too Powerful: "The second issue for me is the institution... the Catholic church... it had and still has too much power.. and it's authority is justified t..."

My faith,

It is none larger than my pimples

Tick.. tick..
is the sound of the clock
Nguuungggg...
is the sound of air con machine

I need to talk
but they just ignore me

it is 235am
I'd rather sleep than accompanying my self hatred thoughts
But 50 pages more to read, derive and comprehend
3 more reports to be done

How I wish I could call someone
just to tell I have been missing him/her
to tell how I am so tired and scared
to listen what he/she would suggest me to do
maybe I will whine quite a lot
but he/she will patiently bear with me
and in the end, he/she would say
"Whatever happens, I will still happy to have you"
Then he/she ask me to calm down
perhaps tell a short story
inspiring story
or some funny jokes
and lastly he/she will say to me
"Life is beautiful, isn't it??
He/she has made me couldn't agree more
Ya, life is beautiful
Ya, this sufferings are only small small tiny bits part of this vast magnificence
Then he/she says "I am glad you are cheered"
and tell me that he/she will call me back next day
or maybe have a lunch together after I finish all my deadlines
And then I hang up the phone
And starts working

...

and that's when I realized I need to sleep
mind is going wild
wildly emo

head is heavy as stone
and my mind is sinking
it keeps falling down deeper and I cannot stop it
i am so scared i might kill myself

a conversation with my mum, I shared my own reflection about my life:

sebenarnya setelah kupikir2
11:05 PM
walaupun aku nggak bagus nilainya
11:05 PM
tapi aku merasa masa mudaku benar2 anak muda deh
11:06 PM
emang seharusnya anak muda itu mencoba berbagai hal
11:06 PM
merasakan berbagai perasaan, sedih, senang, gagal, berhasil, iri, malu sama diri sendiri...
11:06 PM
bukannya mengamankan kedudukan, reputasi ato kerjaan, pikirin nanti gimana cari duit
11:06 PM
itu kan kerjaannya org tua...
11:06 PM
jadi yah
11:06 PM
walaupun kadang2 aku pikir aku rasanya banyak melakukan kesalahan
11:07 PM
salah jalan
11:07 PM
salah pilih
11:07 PM
tapi itulah masa muda
11:07 PM
masa muda itu gunanya buat mencari apa yang kita suka
11:07 PM
mencoba berbagai kesalahan dan menghadapinya
11:08 PM
supaya nanti di hari tua kita bisa menatap ke belakang dan melihat mana yang benar dan salah, dan nggak lari dari kesalahan kita
11:08 PM
aku sering takut sih ma
11:08 PM
sering takut banget
11:08 PM
tapi aku selalu punya ini di kepalaku
11:08 PM
apa pun yang terjadi
11:08 PM
pasti ada pelajaran yang bisa dipetik
11:09 PM
walau sekarang aku nggak bisa hubungin titik2 di hidupku nggak tau arahnya ke mana
11:09 PM
nanti pasti bisa lihat "ohhh ternyata seperti ituuu"
11:09 PM
masa muda itu saat di mana kita berapi-api, walaupun sama hal yang kita nggak tau benar apa nggak, inilah saat di mana kita berani pasang taruhan
11:09 PM
masa muda itu memang harus berbahaya
11:10 PM
masa muda itu memang harus menantang

lagi jatuh cinta ya

of myself

You Were on The Cross
by Matt Maher

Lost, everything is lost
And everything I've loved before is gone
Alone like the coming of the frost
And a cold winter's chill in my stony heart

And where were You when all that I've hoped for?
Where You when all that I've dreamed?
Came crashing down in shambles around me
You were on the cross

Pain, could you take away the pain?
If I find someone to blame, would it make my life seem easier?
Alone, all my friends are asleep
And I can't find anyone to stay awake with me

Where were You when sin stole my innocence?
Where were You when I was ashamed?
Hiding in a life, I wish, I never made

You were on the cross, my God, my God, all along, all along
You were on the cross, You died for us, all along, all along
You were on the cross, victorious, all along, all along

You were there in all of my suffering
And You were there in doubt and in fear
I'm waiting on the dawn to re-appear

Hold, this is not an emo post. :D

It all started with Eli and I chatted in the bus after we fnished our class today. Somehow we chatted about how many of our friends who are now in a relationship, while the two of us are still like this. I asked Eli, "Could it be that God wants us to be single all our life? Celibacy, I mean..."

And then we sang Queen's song "Somebody to love" in the bus, quite loudly that some people stare at us. :b


I don't know what's in God's mind. But I understand my situation. I am not that lovable enough to have a relationship for the time being. It wasn’t in the right frame of mind I guess. Still can’t give myself to someone – need to achieve more for myself, need to know I am worth something on my own. Need to get own life in order before sharing someone else’s. To put it simply, I am still very selfish.

But what if I cannot change? To my consolation, I was reminded of a quote by G. K Chesterton:

“Love means loving the unlovable – or it is no virtue at all.” – Heretics, 1905

Lent is finally here, now being the first week of lent.

Meanwhile school is getting very hectic.

I almost forgot that it is lent. Almost every night I came back very late and too tired to pray. And next morning wake up in a very unwell and emo feeling, heaviness in the heart, and eyes..

Hey, hey don't forget that it is lent! It is a moment of penance and prayer.

Let us also offer up our doings and efforts for people in Japan.

I want to fast from wasting time and emo-ing. The progress has been... errmm it can still be improved

I think I am being too proud of my spiritual life, I couldn't help but disdain people who could care so much about going on a party in times like these. People are staggering in Japan, while here in Singapore they went for (I don't know what it is meant for) party. All these "Had a great time", "I enjoyed myself" on their facebook status. :(( Think how much money they have spent on such party could have been donated for the victims.

From the beginning, I have questioned the party being held on the first sunday of lent.

I don't hate parties, I like having fun! I like pampering myself and look nice in an event. But having too much of it often makes me a self-centred person. I often lost myself in those kinds of crowds. I would think "What am I doing here?". If you take wider view, then you'll see how this world is in need of your prayer, time and money. So I prefer not having as many as I could.

Or maybe I am just a boring person. =.=

I am almost forgot that it is Lent season. I must not disdain those people, even judge them for being inconsiderate, but pray for them. For you who read it, ignore my spiritual pride, but do consider of trying to let go of self-centredness, like "I hate my acne", "I look bad in this dress", "I am so tired doing my assignments", "I am so emo, why nobody cares about me" "Why I am so stupid?" "I want to buy this" (from my very own real case :b)... Close your eyes and think of how many less fortunate people in this world. They need your prayer.

It has been a very hard week. I mentioned in my previous post, how I messed up all my midterm tests. I had been thinking about what I am going to do with so many choices available. In fact, I often feel I have no more choices left. I screwed everything up. How am I going to fix it? Will I be able to do well in final exam? I wake up everyday with all these burden. Morning shower helps me to wash that away. But, tribulation does not stop there. I went in to class and sat there, with nothing that my lecturer said coming into my head. "Bad, I cannot understand this... I am doomed " and went stress again. Lunch time, I meet people who keep talking about their grades, speaking of how "bad" he have made them (his "bad" is like 21 out of 14 class average). Having got rid of that people, I attend Choir practice. I keep singing sharp notes and I just cannot feel it. I have no idea. And people around me keep telling me that. So, I just lower down my voice for the rest of practice until 10pm. Then I still have to be there for our concert meeting. While everybody is speaking out their idea and minds, I just cannot think of any. I cannot tell which is good, which one is better. And so I just sat silently in the corner of the room. And the meeting ended at 1130pm. The last bus was 1100pm. I asked everyone how they are going to get back to the dorm, and they just said "I don't know". So must I wait for them? There is only one student with a car then. 1 car will only fit 5 persons max. I knew I have to step back, not trying to include myself into that possible 5. It is better to step aside rather than get rejected. So it was 1130pm and I walked down along the empty NUS street. I met only 2 o 3 people jogging. I was completely alone. I can hear my step. I tried to pray to calm myself down. because I was very sad. But I could not even pray. Everything came in flash back. Same old, same old, I had been through this before, this loneliness, this feeling of unworthiness, this fear of being a real failure (I keep tellling myself I am actually still not a failure). And I just cannot hold it anymore. It felt so sad. James Blunt's song played in my head

So while I'm turning in my sheets
And once again I cannot sleep
Walk out the door and up the street
Look at the stars beneath my feet
Remember rights that I did wrong
So here I go

Hello, hello

There is no place I cannot go
My mind is muddy but
My heart is heavy does it show
I lose the track that loses me
So here I go

Uhuh uhuh uhuh

And so I sent some men to fight
And one came back at dead of night
Said he'd seen my enemy
Said he looked just like me
So I set out to cut myself
And here I go

Uhuh uhuh uhuh

I'm not calling for a second chance
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice
Cause I'll just make the same mistake again

Uhuh uhuh uhuh

And maybe someday we will face
And maybe talk but not just speak
Dont buy the promises cause
There are no promises I keep
And my reflection troubles me
So here I go

Uhuh uhuh uhuh

I'm not calling for a second chance
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice
Cause I'll just make the same mistake

I'm not calling for a second chance
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice
Cause I'll just make the same mistake again

Not that easy

Man begins in zoology
He is the saddest animal
He drives a big red car
Called anxiety
He dreams at night
Of riding all the elevators
Lost in the halls
He never finds the right door.

Man is the saddest animal
A flake eater in the morning
A milk drinker
He fills his skin with coffee
And loses patience
With the rest of his species
He draws his sin on the wall
On all the ads in all the subways.

He draws moustaches
On all the woman
Because he cannot find his joy
Except in zoology
Whenever he goes to the phone
To call joy
He gets the wrong number
Therefore he likes weapons.

He knows all guns
by their right name
He drives a big, black Cadillac
Called death.
Now he is putting
Anxiety into space.
He flys his worries
All around Venus
But it does him no good.


In space, where for a long time
there was only emptiness
He drives a big white globe
Called death.
Now, dear children, you've learned
The first lesson about man.
Answer your test:

Man is the saddest animal
He begins in zoology
And gets lost
In his own bad news.

I saw too many choices, and cannot pick a single one. I pursued those chances, stick myself to a lot of things, and in the end, only to find them disintegrate myself.

should I do internship, or summer research?
should I focus on my study, so I could have a scholarship and pursue my study, or start building up my resume?
will I like it in industrial workplace? or should I just be a researcher?

I still cannot decide on these things. I am still not sure of my capability either in doing research or working. These really stress me up. I am year 2 already and still have not found out what I am going to do. I imagined one day in the future, I meet my working friends with great pay and my researcher friends doing cool projects, while I am XXXXX, not sure what I will be in the future. I worry about how much money will I have, worry about being a failure in life and I am not helping myself cos worrying does not help me to study, to work well. And I know that I need to set up my mind in order to get out of this vicious cycle.

Sometimes it is better not to have any choices. So, today, I have finally decided. Since I am stuck here in Physics Department, due to my "infatuation" to Physics during my high school years (and that happened when I have no other choices, too), it is the cost of my narrow-mindedness, I know, but thanks to religion, I could believe that God is behind all these things, that nothing would ever happen without God concurring it.

Despite everything, many things that make me unworthy to be a good Physics student....

... I will be a good Physics undergraduate, as what I am called to do now.

So that's my only choice right now.

seduce me, Physics. ;b

By today, I have finally finished all my mid term tests.

...and screwed all of them.

I am very sad.

I know it's all my own fault.

I was lying on my bed, too lazy to get up and pray before I sleep
At the same time, someone went her way, deep to an underground tunnel, in order to pray

While I was wondering how it could be that despite the time and effort that I have made to serve my Lord, I still feel so unfortunate, bad marks in tests, unsatisfied with my life and myself.
At the same time, someone who has given up everything to serve the Lord, is tortured, ill-treated, and even killed. Yet they keep their faith in God.

I can go to church anytime I want, I can pray wherever I need to, I can practice my faith freely, but I hardly have made the best of this opportunity
Somewhere in this world, a man was condemned and killed only because he is a Christian. People are really ready to die for Christ.

Then why should I think that because I have prayed I would get what I want?
Why keep whining on hardships and misfortunes?

"God himself spare His own son to die THAT way, what makes you think He will spare the rest of us?"
God does not even spare Himself, ever imagine the heart of a parent who watched his son died? Painful it must be.

Shabaz Bhatti and many people like him died for their faith. Here I am living as freely as I could as a Catholic. What I could do is study well, instead of my slowness, my inclination to do whatever things that I enjoy more than facing my stupidity, my already wretched school life, and life.

Learn from your brothers and sisters, will you? -God

Always see the big picture, don't sweat the small picture.

Happiness is a small thing. Sainthood is the big picture.

I was about to post emo stuffs and whinings again.
But after some sentences, I remembered something about "offering up our anxiety, discomfort as a prayer".

Hence, backspace <--

Recess week is over. Another week has gone, a week of chance to fix things up, to sort-of start over, to make amends for all the mess I've done. I wish I have used all my capacity to make the most of it. Because my heart pounds fast, and I am very scared. I have not finished the materials and assignments that I was supposed to finish by the end of this week. My feeling said I have failed again.

I can't study. I can't do anything.

So I stepped away from my desk and open my "memory box". I put program booklet of concerts that I have been to, pictures of exhibitions, tickets, letters and notes from friends. But 1 thing intrigued me to have a look on them. They are the Christmas cards from Imma, Brother Dom and notes from legionary friends during our last retreat. I read them one by one and I found the sentence "...i will keep you in my prayer..." (or the likes) written on each of them.

Someone's praying for me. Many of them, thank God for this. They remind me of a Simon & Garfunkel's song, Bridge over troubled water it is

When you're weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all

I'm on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you

I'll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

Sail on Silver Girl,
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way

See how they shine
If you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind

Mercy Street is a song by Peter Gabriel, dedicated to Anne Sexton, who wrote a poem with the same same title. It seems to me that Anne Sexton was a successful poet. She made a lot of poets and won Pulitzer awards for poetry. As you read most of her collection, you will find how "emo" and desperate this woman was. And as I google-ed her, I found that she suffered from manic depression until she died. She attempted suicides for several times and died after "successfully" committing suicide in her own garage.

The song by Peter Gabriel may be depicting the moment before Anne committed her suicide. Many say that her depression was mainly due her exasperation with her inability to become a daughter, mother and wife that she wanted herself to be. Whether it is because of some bad experiences or because of something very awful she had done. I don't know. All I know is that she was searching for the mercy street.

I am also searching for it.

looking down on empty streets, all she can see
are the dreams all made solid
are the dreams all made real

all of the buildings, all of those cars
were once just a dream
in somebody's head

she pictures the broken glass, she pictures the steam
she pictures a soul
with no leak at the seam

lets take the boat out
wait until darkness
let's take the boat out
wait until darkness comes

nowhere in the corridors of pale green and grey
nowhere in the suburbs
in the cold light of day

there in the midst of it so alive and alone
words support like bone

dreaming of mercy st.
wear your inside out
dreaming of mercy
in your daddy's arms again
dreaming of mercy st.
'swear they moved that sign
dreaming of mercy
in your daddy's arms

pulling out the papers from the drawers that slide smooth
tugging at the darkness, word upon word

confessing all the secret things in the warm velvet box
to the priest-he's the doctor
he can handle the shocks

dreaming of the tenderness-the tremble in the hips
of kissing Mary

dreaming of mercy st.
wear your insides out
dreaming of mercy
in your daddy's arms again
dreaming of mercy st.
'swear they moved that sign
looking for mercy
in your daddy's arms

mercy, mercy, looking for mercy
mercy, mercy, looking for mercy

Anne, with her father is out in the boat
riding the water
riding the waves on the sea

In some ways, forgiving yourself for your own mistakes is similar to forgiving someone else who has hurt you. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean that you do not feel the pain anymore. In the words of the Catechism of the Catholic Church: “It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory in transforming the hurt into intercession.”[1] The pain you feel over your own failures can be transformed in the same way. You actually can use the bad memories and wounds of sin that rush back into your mind as a way to heal the past.

Because the past sometimes hurts, we try to suppress the memories and shove them to a place in our mind where they will stop haunting us. There is a better way. When the hurts of the past weigh upon your heart, take those pains and offer them as a prayer for all who may have been hurt in these past experiences including yourself. When the flashbacks happen, take that as a reminder to offer up a prayer for healing.
Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2843.

Love can accept you for what you are
Love can embrace your flaws and imperfections
Love can see the beauty within you
Love can understand why you cry
Love can wipe your tears
Love can shape a smile on your face
Love can bring out happiness from the inside
Love can stand by you in the middle of storm
Love can strengthen you amidst vicissitudes of life
Love can listen to your words
Love can comprehend what's unsaid
Love can see with its eyes wide open
Love can encourage you to do better
Love can wash away your self-centredness
Love can sacrifice
Love can do without anything this world can offer


But love can live only by doing what it is able to do
Love can live only by loving

I went for my first curia meeting today and get very inspired. Unlike other conventional (worldly) meetings where people demand a lot of you and they just put more and more stress on your already pressure-cooker-ish life, the meeting went more like a family gathering. It embraces its members, no matter how incompetent they maybe, and give everybody a chance to grow and learn. It does not mean that it does not demand anything. It serves a lot bigger purpose than our daily worldly works: the salvation of souls and the glory of God. It demands a lot of your time, energy and efforts. But at the same time facilitates its members to be able to provide such commitment and dedication.

Some people might disappoint you, discourage you, give little meaning to what you do or serve; but we still treasure those people. Not because we are lack of members, simply because they are human. We are always tempted to think like "what value does a person have if he does not do anything worthy enough?" But human's value does not come from what he/she does. No one is as bad as the worst thing he/she ever did in his/her life. Neither is someone as good as what he/she manage to achieve for everything is given from the mighty. We believe that everything comes out of nothing from God's hand. With this faith, we can see that someone is precious simply because he IS. That's what I see and what I feel from being in NUS Legion of Mary. People would usually turn down other people who they think might not be able to perform as what is expected. In some occasion, they do not even give a damn about these people, ignore them as they do not matter. It is very sad because those who are needy will never be able to improve and will stay crooked until the end. In legion, we are very eager to bring as many people as we could to what we believe is good. "...so that - the battle of life over - our Legion may reassemble, without the loss of any one, in the kingdom of Your love and glory..."

No one is left out. What you need to have is willingness to serve, and everything will be given unto you. You could learn about the thing that matter most in your life; your faith, and you are surrounded by people with this value, ready to help you anytime, sometimes even when you don't ask at all. Not saying I am an already good one, but I wish to be a good legionary and bring more people in to let them really see how this religious organization could be an answer on how we are supposed to live this life. You need to be professional, you have to be responsible of whatever mandate you are trusted to, you need to think to win people's heart and bring them closer to God; organize events, facilitate forums, public outreach, meetings to keep everyone on the right track, you have to give your best and make the best of your effort to please your ultimate CEO, God. But putting everyone into a pressure cooker is not the way we do our works. What comes out of love is always far better than something that comes out of fear.

I wish every legionary could see this value. It is okay to be inexperienced and unknowledgeable, it is okay if you make mistakes. So long as you have the desire to do better, you'll definitely reach there.

And I wish people outside legionary could also look deeper on Legion of Mary. It is more than a stereotypical rosary praying group full with aunties, or the only CCA an incompetent people could get in cos it requires no interviews and it will have no power to boost your CV and all u have to do is just praying. We have a lot of great legionaries role model who lived a heroic living. In NUS itself, I have a number of seniors (pretty much all of them) who live with this value. They are great friends to everyone, passionate students, heroic leaders and devoted prayers.

And the secret, as my senior shared with me : "..it's not about being senior - somehow this wonderful spirit is passed to every member who joins..."

no excuse

I should have sought to tackle procrastination
not to perfect it

:'-(
I can stand feeling sad and down
but I really cannot face my own resentment towards myself

Aku ingin mengubur wajahku ke dalam tanah

ZaaaaaaZaaaaaaZaaaaaa

Perhaps I am one of few people who prefer it dark, cold and wet in Singapore.

Rain, rain!

"I wish I do not add stress to your life.. you know, you should not add stress to people's life." -Aunty Mary

My life has been stressful enough, and I believe many other people's too. We are all living in a pressure cooker. What a nice world it would be if everyone knows how to "be tough on yourself, but try to be understanding toward others."

It is the Valentine's Day. It was quite happening at school. I saw people carrying bouquets and love balloons, and other fancy stuffs. and I am still in my very own pressure cooker. :D But seeing all that, had made me think to redefine relationship. In a world where so much can go wrong over a little, it's easier just not to get involved at all. But how much can you stay away? Does nothing matter to you at all? Does something or someone ever really matter to you? The border between true friendship and mere mutualism networking gets more and more vague these days. People make time for you because you are important to them, so they are investing their time with you because they no they can get something in return in the future, be it companion ( cos no one wants to be alone ), connection/network, help. So it follows that things/people they dont make time for are unimportant, is it...?

...
...
...

Why adding stress to your own life? This week's stresses are strenuous enough to explode several blood vessels in my body, it is a very slow suicide.

She maybe wearing wolf's fur clothing
But a lamb is never a wolf
Whatever efforts she tries to do.
You'll see it clearly when the rain wash everything away
A lamb stays a lamb
and it is more than just skin-deep
it is what lies beneath

...sometimes by pretending to be someone we are not
we find who we really are...

...to all those celebrating it.

DISCIPLINE, please!

while the later makes self cooking accomplishing by using only fridge ingredients and hot pan (ps: it goes very well pretty much with any stir fry), what the former does is only getting yourself hungry all the time.

If pepper is the flavoring,
then paper is the appetizer, huh?

Well I wish all I have to do with papers is to eat them up.
I wish

I can't actually believe that it is week 5 already. Tests, projects, quizzes, deadlines keep coming up. My nearest escape now is recess week, after week 6. But I have to pass this coming week 6 in the first place.

I have 2 mid term tests next week, Chinese and Stats Mechanics. I am well prepared for the CHinese one. I have been following the lecture closely, I updated the podcasts, did my homework and practice every now and then. But then, Stats Mech... I am still stuck with tutorial 1. I have been skipping lectures and tutorials. I really don't have any idea what the lecturer was talking about at class. All I can grasp is, how his voice so much resemble Louis Armstrong (the uncle who sang a famous version of What a Wonderful World)

I also have a long lab report due next week. I need to finish my draft by this Wed cos I have to go for viva.

and instead of locking myself inside my bedroom and start studying, I have been nowhere near there these past few days.

Wednesday night I went to watch drama fest. Except for a friend was playing there, I really did not enjoy the show. Ended up reaching hostel at 1am++ cos I joined supper and chit chat with others.

Thursday night, been preparing myself for SEP interview. Spent nearly a whole day to train myself to answer potential questions. But was too nervous on the interview day itself. I think I did not manage to promote myself as good as when I was practicing. I joined a lot of activities, I prepared a lot of reasons on why I want to go for SEP, and then I just forgot. T_T

followed by a long practice for NUSChoir, till 11pm.

Friday night I went to Friday Mass at school. Eventhough the organizer starts very late, as usual, nearly 1.5hr late, but I tried not to use that as my alibi for not attending God's invitation. After that, I went to In Fusion Night at UCC Hall. I enjoyed Indian Dance, it makes me more and more amazed with the nation. I am more assured to go for NOC India if I cannot get the SEP program. I was there for my friends. Some friends are the organizer and I know they have been working very hard on it. So I think it can be a support for them. Also, because not so many Indons are coming to support the Indon performer that night. I think my claps can add more encouragement.

But I don't know. I keep doing this and that for friends, I mean, someone I deem to be friend. I really have no idea if this is working. I often feel that no one really regard me as a friend, I mean, a friend as I define it to be, someone who cares, someone who would look for me when I suddenly disappear from this world. I keep going here and there, meeting a lot of people, but still I feel very lonely. I don't know if somebody ever really give a damn on how hard it is for me to organize my time, amidst of school demand and CCA activities, not to mention those outside school, yet I still try my best to be there for them. I really don't know.

Hah. I should stop all of this "I-could-read-people's-mind-and-really-tell-if-someone-dislikes-me" attitude.

People are good. *self-hypno*

This Saturday, I woke up early in the morning (won't tell you how "early" it is ;b) and went to CFA, for another lengthy NUSChoir practice. It finished at 1230pm, and then I went to Little India to help the concert's logistic team to find several things. It was so hot, the sun was like biting my skin. I really felt like opening up my umbrella, was so afraid that my acne got worsen. But I was too embarrassed to do so. =.= aah... God, why do I have to endure all these things? I have given up on these helplessly shorty legs, plump body and I think one of my X-chromosome has a bit of Y-chromosome, too. T_T why do you still give me mad acne breakouts all over my already dull face? Really cannot help it. Sometimes I felt like crying when I look at it. But again, God is good and maybe he thinks I am beautiful this way..? *another self-hypno, AAHH, hold that tear!* Haha.. that was all true, I don't really like myself this way, and I am not a saint, sometimes I would question God for all these things. But I try not to let myself get me. I know that I am just another victim of media, of what media makes us perceive of beauty and all that. .

Back to topic. It was 3pm already and we still could not find many things we need. We decided to call it a day and continued next week. I then went to Queensway Shopping Centre to get myself a new sport shoe. Mine has been used for 3 years and it is now severely broken. I had glued it with super glue several times, but it couldn't last long. Ma asked me to buy a new one since it really does not look like shoes anymore, more like a karong wrapped around the foot. It also made me stumbled down many times during aerobics and running, the sole has been badly worn out. I spent hours looking for a good one, because I cannot find a cheap one so I need to buy a really good one, the one which deserve the price. finally at 6pm, found 1. Yeah!

My mind was filled with anxiety of not being able to finish all the school stuff. and with that I rushed back to PGP. I was hungry and thought of eating at canteen, but I still have a lot of food which ma brought last time she came here, there are a lot of them, stffed in the refrigerator, if I do not start eating them now, they will surely rotten before I could finish all of them. Cannot lah! ma had perpared all these things with efforts and love, must not let them spoilt! It is not that they are not good to eat, ma's cooking is always my favourite. But I need to cook them, then wash the dishes and all that.,, spent almost 1.5 hours. =.=

And now here I am in my room.

Quit idle-ing
Quit worrying
May the hard work begins.

Ganbatte brig!!

Last Monday, I went to a voice lesson with Aunty Mary. When I reached the practice room, nobody is there, only Aunty Mary, sitting by the piano. I swallowed a big gulp. One on one lesson. She would find out how I am a miserable singer. >.< And yeah, I sang a lot of sharp notes, I was out of breath many times and sang as if I was about to push my intestine out of my ass. I was so embarrassed.

But Aunty Mary never looked me down. She patiently guided me and taught me the right way. She understood this being my first time to really learn how to sing. There are techniques and skills you cannot develop only in one night, and most importantly... the mindset.

There were points where I really could not help but sing terribly, and I was a bit discouraged. And that's just how my life goes. I dream, I wish, I hope, I have visions of what kind of person I would like myself to be. I tried and pushed myself. I could stagger with the unpleasant feelings that I have to endure. But there is always one point in time, where I could not help it anymore. Many times, I felt like I am not being myself. I am tired of pretending to be someone else, veiled by many people's shadows.

and Aunty Mary had a very good saying regarding my singing:
"... So you like Celine Dion. I know she is very beautiful and skillful and I believe she has practiced every now and then. You know, everyone and everything is created by God, there is no way it can be bad, You don't have to sound like her to be a good singer. It's not that you have to sing like me then you are right, Everyone has her own color. All we have to do is to bring out that color and make it beautiful in our own way. I can still be Mary Tan, and you can still be Brigitta and we are beautiful in our own way..."

That means a lot to me.

That one on one lesson had taught me more than anything I could expect and I am thankful for it. Maybe it s a blessing in disguise.