head is heavy as stone
and my mind is sinking
it keeps falling down deeper and I cannot stop it
i am so scared i might kill myself
March 2011
a conversation with my mum, I shared my own reflection about my life:
sebenarnya setelah kupikir2
11:05 PM
walaupun aku nggak bagus nilainya
11:05 PM
tapi aku merasa masa mudaku benar2 anak muda deh
11:06 PM
emang seharusnya anak muda itu mencoba berbagai hal
11:06 PM
merasakan berbagai perasaan, sedih, senang, gagal, berhasil, iri, malu sama diri sendiri...
11:06 PM
bukannya mengamankan kedudukan, reputasi ato kerjaan, pikirin nanti gimana cari duit
11:06 PM
itu kan kerjaannya org tua...
11:06 PM
jadi yah
11:06 PM
walaupun kadang2 aku pikir aku rasanya banyak melakukan kesalahan
11:07 PM
salah jalan
11:07 PM
salah pilih
11:07 PM
tapi itulah masa muda
11:07 PM
masa muda itu gunanya buat mencari apa yang kita suka
11:07 PM
mencoba berbagai kesalahan dan menghadapinya
11:08 PM
supaya nanti di hari tua kita bisa menatap ke belakang dan melihat mana yang benar dan salah, dan nggak lari dari kesalahan kita
11:08 PM
aku sering takut sih ma
11:08 PM
sering takut banget
11:08 PM
tapi aku selalu punya ini di kepalaku
11:08 PM
apa pun yang terjadi
11:08 PM
pasti ada pelajaran yang bisa dipetik
11:09 PM
walau sekarang aku nggak bisa hubungin titik2 di hidupku nggak tau arahnya ke mana
11:09 PM
nanti pasti bisa lihat "ohhh ternyata seperti ituuu"
11:09 PM
masa muda itu saat di mana kita berapi-api, walaupun sama hal yang kita nggak tau benar apa nggak, inilah saat di mana kita berani pasang taruhan
11:09 PM
masa muda itu memang harus berbahaya
11:10 PM
masa muda itu memang harus menantang
after such long argument from me, guess what my mum said:
lagi jatuh cinta ya
SWT
aaaaanyway... if this is really what I think how my life should be, then despite many things that didn't go the way I want, I am on the right track.
You Were on The Cross
by Matt Maher
Lost, everything is lost
And everything I've loved before is gone
Alone like the coming of the frost
And a cold winter's chill in my stony heart
And where were You when all that I've hoped for?
Where You when all that I've dreamed?
Came crashing down in shambles around me
You were on the cross
Pain, could you take away the pain?
If I find someone to blame, would it make my life seem easier?
Alone, all my friends are asleep
And I can't find anyone to stay awake with me
Where were You when sin stole my innocence?
Where were You when I was ashamed?
Hiding in a life, I wish, I never made
You were on the cross, my God, my God, all along, all along
You were on the cross, You died for us, all along, all along
You were on the cross, victorious, all along, all along
You were there in all of my suffering
And You were there in doubt and in fear
I'm waiting on the dawn to re-appear
Hold, this is not an emo post. :D
It all started with Eli and I chatted in the bus after we fnished our class today. Somehow we chatted about how many of our friends who are now in a relationship, while the two of us are still like this. I asked Eli, "Could it be that God wants us to be single all our life? Celibacy, I mean..."
And then we sang Queen's song "Somebody to love" in the bus, quite loudly that some people stare at us. :b
I don't know what's in God's mind. But I understand my situation. I am not that lovable enough to have a relationship for the time being. It wasn’t in the right frame of mind I guess. Still can’t give myself to someone – need to achieve more for myself, need to know I am worth something on my own. Need to get own life in order before sharing someone else’s. To put it simply, I am still very selfish.
But what if I cannot change? To my consolation, I was reminded of a quote by G. K Chesterton:
“Love means loving the unlovable – or it is no virtue at all.” – Heretics, 1905
Advantage for the unlovables YAY! :D
Lent is finally here, now being the first week of lent.
Meanwhile school is getting very hectic.
I almost forgot that it is lent. Almost every night I came back very late and too tired to pray. And next morning wake up in a very unwell and emo feeling, heaviness in the heart, and eyes..
Hey, hey don't forget that it is lent! It is a moment of penance and prayer.
Let us also offer up our doings and efforts for people in Japan.
I want to fast from wasting time and emo-ing. The progress has been... errmm it can still be improved
I think I am being too proud of my spiritual life, I couldn't help but disdain people who could care so much about going on a party in times like these. People are staggering in Japan, while here in Singapore they went for (I don't know what it is meant for) party. All these "Had a great time", "I enjoyed myself" on their facebook status. :(( Think how much money they have spent on such party could have been donated for the victims.
From the beginning, I have questioned the party being held on the first sunday of lent.
I don't hate parties, I like having fun! I like pampering myself and look nice in an event. But having too much of it often makes me a self-centred person. I often lost myself in those kinds of crowds. I would think "What am I doing here?". If you take wider view, then you'll see how this world is in need of your prayer, time and money. So I prefer not having as many as I could.
Or maybe I am just a boring person. =.=
I am almost forgot that it is Lent season. I must not disdain those people, even judge them for being inconsiderate, but pray for them. For you who read it, ignore my spiritual pride, but do consider of trying to let go of self-centredness, like "I hate my acne", "I look bad in this dress", "I am so tired doing my assignments", "I am so emo, why nobody cares about me" "Why I am so stupid?" "I want to buy this" (from my very own real case :b)... Close your eyes and think of how many less fortunate people in this world. They need your prayer.
It has been a very hard week. I mentioned in my previous post, how I messed up all my midterm tests. I had been thinking about what I am going to do with so many choices available. In fact, I often feel I have no more choices left. I screwed everything up. How am I going to fix it? Will I be able to do well in final exam? I wake up everyday with all these burden. Morning shower helps me to wash that away. But, tribulation does not stop there. I went in to class and sat there, with nothing that my lecturer said coming into my head. "Bad, I cannot understand this... I am doomed " and went stress again. Lunch time, I meet people who keep talking about their grades, speaking of how "bad" he have made them (his "bad" is like 21 out of 14 class average). Having got rid of that people, I attend Choir practice. I keep singing sharp notes and I just cannot feel it. I have no idea. And people around me keep telling me that. So, I just lower down my voice for the rest of practice until 10pm. Then I still have to be there for our concert meeting. While everybody is speaking out their idea and minds, I just cannot think of any. I cannot tell which is good, which one is better. And so I just sat silently in the corner of the room. And the meeting ended at 1130pm. The last bus was 1100pm. I asked everyone how they are going to get back to the dorm, and they just said "I don't know". So must I wait for them? There is only one student with a car then. 1 car will only fit 5 persons max. I knew I have to step back, not trying to include myself into that possible 5. It is better to step aside rather than get rejected. So it was 1130pm and I walked down along the empty NUS street. I met only 2 o 3 people jogging. I was completely alone. I can hear my step. I tried to pray to calm myself down. because I was very sad. But I could not even pray. Everything came in flash back. Same old, same old, I had been through this before, this loneliness, this feeling of unworthiness, this fear of being a real failure (I keep tellling myself I am actually still not a failure). And I just cannot hold it anymore. It felt so sad. James Blunt's song played in my head
So while I'm turning in my sheets
And once again I cannot sleep
Walk out the door and up the street
Look at the stars beneath my feet
Remember rights that I did wrong
So here I go
Hello, hello
There is no place I cannot go
My mind is muddy but
My heart is heavy does it show
I lose the track that loses me
So here I go
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
And so I sent some men to fight
And one came back at dead of night
Said he'd seen my enemy
Said he looked just like me
So I set out to cut myself
And here I go
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
I'm not calling for a second chance
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice
Cause I'll just make the same mistake again
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
And maybe someday we will face
And maybe talk but not just speak
Dont buy the promises cause
There are no promises I keep
And my reflection troubles me
So here I go
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
I'm not calling for a second chance
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice
Cause I'll just make the same mistake
I'm not calling for a second chance
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice
Cause I'll just make the same mistake again
For me, being alone has been my way of living ever since I get into TOFI. Many times, it does not mean I am lonely, I could even say I feel better that way. But obviously not for this time. I know I have not been a good friend. And this loneliness is the price that I must pay for it. How should I live? How should I think of these? How should I mend all this mess?
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
And once again I cannot sleep
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
Walk out the door and up the street
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
Look at the stars
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
Look at the stars falling down
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
And I wonder where
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
Did I go wrong?
............................
Man begins in zoology
He is the saddest animal
He drives a big red car
Called anxiety
He dreams at night
Of riding all the elevators
Lost in the halls
He never finds the right door.
Man is the saddest animal
A flake eater in the morning
A milk drinker
He fills his skin with coffee
And loses patience
With the rest of his species
He draws his sin on the wall
On all the ads in all the subways.
He draws moustaches
On all the woman
Because he cannot find his joy
Except in zoology
Whenever he goes to the phone
To call joy
He gets the wrong number
Therefore he likes weapons.
He knows all guns
by their right name
He drives a big, black Cadillac
Called death.
Now he is putting
Anxiety into space.
He flys his worries
All around Venus
But it does him no good.
In space, where for a long time
there was only emptiness
He drives a big white globe
Called death.
Now, dear children, you've learned
The first lesson about man.
Answer your test:
Man is the saddest animal
He begins in zoology
And gets lost
In his own bad news.
I saw too many choices, and cannot pick a single one. I pursued those chances, stick myself to a lot of things, and in the end, only to find them disintegrate myself.
should I do internship, or summer research?
should I focus on my study, so I could have a scholarship and pursue my study, or start building up my resume?
will I like it in industrial workplace? or should I just be a researcher?
I still cannot decide on these things. I am still not sure of my capability either in doing research or working. These really stress me up. I am year 2 already and still have not found out what I am going to do. I imagined one day in the future, I meet my working friends with great pay and my researcher friends doing cool projects, while I am XXXXX, not sure what I will be in the future. I worry about how much money will I have, worry about being a failure in life and I am not helping myself cos worrying does not help me to study, to work well. And I know that I need to set up my mind in order to get out of this vicious cycle.
Sometimes it is better not to have any choices. So, today, I have finally decided. Since I am stuck here in Physics Department, due to my "infatuation" to Physics during my high school years (and that happened when I have no other choices, too), it is the cost of my narrow-mindedness, I know, but thanks to religion, I could believe that God is behind all these things, that nothing would ever happen without God concurring it.
Despite everything, many things that make me unworthy to be a good Physics student....
... I will be a good Physics undergraduate, as what I am called to do now.
So that's my only choice right now.
seduce me, Physics. ;b
I was lying on my bed, too lazy to get up and pray before I sleep
At the same time, someone went her way, deep to an underground tunnel, in order to pray
While I was wondering how it could be that despite the time and effort that I have made to serve my Lord, I still feel so unfortunate, bad marks in tests, unsatisfied with my life and myself.
At the same time, someone who has given up everything to serve the Lord, is tortured, ill-treated, and even killed. Yet they keep their faith in God.
I can go to church anytime I want, I can pray wherever I need to, I can practice my faith freely, but I hardly have made the best of this opportunity
Somewhere in this world, a man was condemned and killed only because he is a Christian. People are really ready to die for Christ.
Then why should I think that because I have prayed I would get what I want?
Why keep whining on hardships and misfortunes?
"God himself spare His own son to die THAT way, what makes you think He will spare the rest of us?"
God does not even spare Himself, ever imagine the heart of a parent who watched his son died? Painful it must be.
Shabaz Bhatti and many people like him died for their faith. Here I am living as freely as I could as a Catholic. What I could do is study well, instead of my slowness, my inclination to do whatever things that I enjoy more than facing my stupidity, my already wretched school life, and life.
Learn from your brothers and sisters, will you? -God