I was about to post emo stuffs and whinings again.
But after some sentences, I remembered something about "offering up our anxiety, discomfort as a prayer".
Hence, backspace <--
February 2011
Recess week is over. Another week has gone, a week of chance to fix things up, to sort-of start over, to make amends for all the mess I've done. I wish I have used all my capacity to make the most of it. Because my heart pounds fast, and I am very scared. I have not finished the materials and assignments that I was supposed to finish by the end of this week. My feeling said I have failed again.
I can't study. I can't do anything.
So I stepped away from my desk and open my "memory box". I put program booklet of concerts that I have been to, pictures of exhibitions, tickets, letters and notes from friends. But 1 thing intrigued me to have a look on them. They are the Christmas cards from Imma, Brother Dom and notes from legionary friends during our last retreat. I read them one by one and I found the sentence "...i will keep you in my prayer..." (or the likes) written on each of them.
Someone's praying for me. Many of them, thank God for this. They remind me of a Simon & Garfunkel's song, Bridge over troubled water it is
When you're weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all
I'm on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Sail on Silver Girl,
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Of course sometimes your own feeling deceives you. I believe this time it does. Remind me again, how generous God has been this whole week; I went to Curia meeting and was inspired to start trying to be a better legionary, I learned something about it, my application for SEP and UTown were accepted, I studied at arts canteen everyday with companion of legionary friends, I could finish 40% of what I should study, I received Sacrament of Reconciliation today, I read a lot of inspiring and insightful Catholic writings,.. and many things that I have missed, ah, including the very easy and economical and healthy tuna sandwich I have been having these past few days for my meals.
Thank God for good companions.
Thank God for things that still can be improved
Thank God for the consolations
A new week has arrived, I fear it, I feel so not ready for it
But I take my comfort in You
Even though I could not achieve what I want (because of my own faults, not Yours)
As You showed me in Your Via Crucis
I, too, with all my efforts and my faith, shall rise up again once I fall and hit the ground
So even if I cannot score well in my tests
I will rise again and focus on final exam!
I feel like a warrior
ready to die in the battlefield
few hours towards mid term test
I could have died there (literally)
but I will focus on sharpening my sword now
Mercy Street is a song by Peter Gabriel, dedicated to Anne Sexton, who wrote a poem with the same same title. It seems to me that Anne Sexton was a successful poet. She made a lot of poets and won Pulitzer awards for poetry. As you read most of her collection, you will find how "emo" and desperate this woman was. And as I google-ed her, I found that she suffered from manic depression until she died. She attempted suicides for several times and died after "successfully" committing suicide in her own garage.
The song by Peter Gabriel may be depicting the moment before Anne committed her suicide. Many say that her depression was mainly due her exasperation with her inability to become a daughter, mother and wife that she wanted herself to be. Whether it is because of some bad experiences or because of something very awful she had done. I don't know. All I know is that she was searching for the mercy street.
I am also searching for it.
looking down on empty streets, all she can see
are the dreams all made solid
are the dreams all made real
all of the buildings, all of those cars
were once just a dream
in somebody's head
she pictures the broken glass, she pictures the steam
she pictures a soul
with no leak at the seam
lets take the boat out
wait until darkness
let's take the boat out
wait until darkness comes
nowhere in the corridors of pale green and grey
nowhere in the suburbs
in the cold light of day
there in the midst of it so alive and alone
words support like bone
dreaming of mercy st.
wear your inside out
dreaming of mercy
in your daddy's arms again
dreaming of mercy st.
'swear they moved that sign
dreaming of mercy
in your daddy's arms
pulling out the papers from the drawers that slide smooth
tugging at the darkness, word upon word
confessing all the secret things in the warm velvet box
to the priest-he's the doctor
he can handle the shocks
dreaming of the tenderness-the tremble in the hips
of kissing Mary
dreaming of mercy st.
wear your insides out
dreaming of mercy
in your daddy's arms again
dreaming of mercy st.
'swear they moved that sign
looking for mercy
in your daddy's arms
mercy, mercy, looking for mercy
mercy, mercy, looking for mercy
Anne, with her father is out in the boat
riding the water
riding the waves on the sea
Have you ever done something very wrong and awful in your life? I have.
I believe that God is justice, and I often feel that I have no excuse to be spared of His judgement. I feel very disgusted with myself. The flashback of what happened in the past often comes again and haunts me. How am I going to forgive myself for having marked my own soul with such scar? I find it very hard even for myself to forgive such offense.
But still here I am dreaming of Mercy Street. Anne went into disappointments and failed to find the street in her life, so she took out the boat and thought she could go there in whatever she believed afterlife is. As for me; past, present, future and afterlife belong to God only. And while He is just in His judgement, His love is abundant and vast. I take that faith and continue on my journey to find the Mercy Street. Although in this world, many things happened and seemed to assure you that "they moved the sign", God will show the way. The scar would open in some days, and you feel the depressing remorse again. But, as I quote:
In some ways, forgiving yourself for your own mistakes is similar to forgiving someone else who has hurt you. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean that you do not feel the pain anymore. In the words of the Catechism of the Catholic Church: “It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory in transforming the hurt into intercession.”[1] The pain you feel over your own failures can be transformed in the same way. You actually can use the bad memories and wounds of sin that rush back into your mind as a way to heal the past.
Because the past sometimes hurts, we try to suppress the memories and shove them to a place in our mind where they will stop haunting us. There is a better way. When the hurts of the past weigh upon your heart, take those pains and offer them as a prayer for all who may have been hurt in these past experiences including yourself. When the flashbacks happen, take that as a reminder to offer up a prayer for healing.
Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2843.
...And a crook like I, am trying to serve our Lord.
Because God can write beautifully even with crooked lines.
Love can accept you for what you are
Love can embrace your flaws and imperfections
Love can see the beauty within you
Love can understand why you cry
Love can wipe your tears
Love can shape a smile on your face
Love can bring out happiness from the inside
Love can stand by you in the middle of storm
Love can strengthen you amidst vicissitudes of life
Love can listen to your words
Love can comprehend what's unsaid
Love can see with its eyes wide open
Love can encourage you to do better
Love can wash away your self-centredness
Love can sacrifice
Love can do without anything this world can offer
But love can live only by doing what it is able to do
Love can live only by loving
I went for my first curia meeting today and get very inspired. Unlike other conventional (worldly) meetings where people demand a lot of you and they just put more and more stress on your already pressure-cooker-ish life, the meeting went more like a family gathering. It embraces its members, no matter how incompetent they maybe, and give everybody a chance to grow and learn. It does not mean that it does not demand anything. It serves a lot bigger purpose than our daily worldly works: the salvation of souls and the glory of God. It demands a lot of your time, energy and efforts. But at the same time facilitates its members to be able to provide such commitment and dedication.
Some people might disappoint you, discourage you, give little meaning to what you do or serve; but we still treasure those people. Not because we are lack of members, simply because they are human. We are always tempted to think like "what value does a person have if he does not do anything worthy enough?" But human's value does not come from what he/she does. No one is as bad as the worst thing he/she ever did in his/her life. Neither is someone as good as what he/she manage to achieve for everything is given from the mighty. We believe that everything comes out of nothing from God's hand. With this faith, we can see that someone is precious simply because he IS. That's what I see and what I feel from being in NUS Legion of Mary. People would usually turn down other people who they think might not be able to perform as what is expected. In some occasion, they do not even give a damn about these people, ignore them as they do not matter. It is very sad because those who are needy will never be able to improve and will stay crooked until the end. In legion, we are very eager to bring as many people as we could to what we believe is good. "...so that - the battle of life over - our Legion may reassemble, without the loss of any one, in the kingdom of Your love and glory..."
No one is left out. What you need to have is willingness to serve, and everything will be given unto you. You could learn about the thing that matter most in your life; your faith, and you are surrounded by people with this value, ready to help you anytime, sometimes even when you don't ask at all. Not saying I am an already good one, but I wish to be a good legionary and bring more people in to let them really see how this religious organization could be an answer on how we are supposed to live this life. You need to be professional, you have to be responsible of whatever mandate you are trusted to, you need to think to win people's heart and bring them closer to God; organize events, facilitate forums, public outreach, meetings to keep everyone on the right track, you have to give your best and make the best of your effort to please your ultimate CEO, God. But putting everyone into a pressure cooker is not the way we do our works. What comes out of love is always far better than something that comes out of fear.
I wish every legionary could see this value. It is okay to be inexperienced and unknowledgeable, it is okay if you make mistakes. So long as you have the desire to do better, you'll definitely reach there.
And I wish people outside legionary could also look deeper on Legion of Mary. It is more than a stereotypical rosary praying group full with aunties, or the only CCA an incompetent people could get in cos it requires no interviews and it will have no power to boost your CV and all u have to do is just praying. We have a lot of great legionaries role model who lived a heroic living. In NUS itself, I have a number of seniors (pretty much all of them) who live with this value. They are great friends to everyone, passionate students, heroic leaders and devoted prayers.
And the secret, as my senior shared with me : "..it's not about being senior - somehow this wonderful spirit is passed to every member who joins..."
"I wish I do not add stress to your life.. you know, you should not add stress to people's life." -Aunty Mary
My life has been stressful enough, and I believe many other people's too. We are all living in a pressure cooker. What a nice world it would be if everyone knows how to "be tough on yourself, but try to be understanding toward others."
It is the Valentine's Day. It was quite happening at school. I saw people carrying bouquets and love balloons, and other fancy stuffs. and I am still in my very own pressure cooker. :D But seeing all that, had made me think to redefine relationship. In a world where so much can go wrong over a little, it's easier just not to get involved at all. But how much can you stay away? Does nothing matter to you at all? Does something or someone ever really matter to you? The border between true friendship and mere mutualism networking gets more and more vague these days. People make time for you because you are important to them, so they are investing their time with you because they no they can get something in return in the future, be it companion ( cos no one wants to be alone ), connection/network, help. So it follows that things/people they dont make time for are unimportant, is it...?
...
...
...
Why adding stress to your own life? This week's stresses are strenuous enough to explode several blood vessels in my body, it is a very slow suicide.
She maybe wearing wolf's fur clothing
But a lamb is never a wolf
Whatever efforts she tries to do.
You'll see it clearly when the rain wash everything away
A lamb stays a lamb
and it is more than just skin-deep
it is what lies beneath
...sometimes by pretending to be someone we are not
we find who we really are...
while the later makes self cooking accomplishing by using only fridge ingredients and hot pan (ps: it goes very well pretty much with any stir fry), what the former does is only getting yourself hungry all the time.
If pepper is the flavoring,
then paper is the appetizer, huh?
Well I wish all I have to do with papers is to eat them up.
I wish
I can't actually believe that it is week 5 already. Tests, projects, quizzes, deadlines keep coming up. My nearest escape now is recess week, after week 6. But I have to pass this coming week 6 in the first place.
I have 2 mid term tests next week, Chinese and Stats Mechanics. I am well prepared for the CHinese one. I have been following the lecture closely, I updated the podcasts, did my homework and practice every now and then. But then, Stats Mech... I am still stuck with tutorial 1. I have been skipping lectures and tutorials. I really don't have any idea what the lecturer was talking about at class. All I can grasp is, how his voice so much resemble Louis Armstrong (the uncle who sang a famous version of What a Wonderful World)
I also have a long lab report due next week. I need to finish my draft by this Wed cos I have to go for viva.
and instead of locking myself inside my bedroom and start studying, I have been nowhere near there these past few days.
Wednesday night I went to watch drama fest. Except for a friend was playing there, I really did not enjoy the show. Ended up reaching hostel at 1am++ cos I joined supper and chit chat with others.
Thursday night, been preparing myself for SEP interview. Spent nearly a whole day to train myself to answer potential questions. But was too nervous on the interview day itself. I think I did not manage to promote myself as good as when I was practicing. I joined a lot of activities, I prepared a lot of reasons on why I want to go for SEP, and then I just forgot. T_T
followed by a long practice for NUSChoir, till 11pm.
Friday night I went to Friday Mass at school. Eventhough the organizer starts very late, as usual, nearly 1.5hr late, but I tried not to use that as my alibi for not attending God's invitation. After that, I went to In Fusion Night at UCC Hall. I enjoyed Indian Dance, it makes me more and more amazed with the nation. I am more assured to go for NOC India if I cannot get the SEP program. I was there for my friends. Some friends are the organizer and I know they have been working very hard on it. So I think it can be a support for them. Also, because not so many Indons are coming to support the Indon performer that night. I think my claps can add more encouragement.
But I don't know. I keep doing this and that for friends, I mean, someone I deem to be friend. I really have no idea if this is working. I often feel that no one really regard me as a friend, I mean, a friend as I define it to be, someone who cares, someone who would look for me when I suddenly disappear from this world. I keep going here and there, meeting a lot of people, but still I feel very lonely. I don't know if somebody ever really give a damn on how hard it is for me to organize my time, amidst of school demand and CCA activities, not to mention those outside school, yet I still try my best to be there for them. I really don't know.
Hah. I should stop all of this "I-could-read-people's-mind-and-really-tell-if-someone-dislikes-me" attitude.
People are good. *self-hypno*
This Saturday, I woke up early in the morning (won't tell you how "early" it is ;b) and went to CFA, for another lengthy NUSChoir practice. It finished at 1230pm, and then I went to Little India to help the concert's logistic team to find several things. It was so hot, the sun was like biting my skin. I really felt like opening up my umbrella, was so afraid that my acne got worsen. But I was too embarrassed to do so. =.= aah... God, why do I have to endure all these things? I have given up on these helplessly shorty legs, plump body and I think one of my X-chromosome has a bit of Y-chromosome, too. T_T why do you still give me mad acne breakouts all over my already dull face? Really cannot help it. Sometimes I felt like crying when I look at it. But again, God is good and maybe he thinks I am beautiful this way..? *another self-hypno, AAHH, hold that tear!* Haha.. that was all true, I don't really like myself this way, and I am not a saint, sometimes I would question God for all these things. But I try not to let myself get me. I know that I am just another victim of media, of what media makes us perceive of beauty and all that. .
Back to topic. It was 3pm already and we still could not find many things we need. We decided to call it a day and continued next week. I then went to Queensway Shopping Centre to get myself a new sport shoe. Mine has been used for 3 years and it is now severely broken. I had glued it with super glue several times, but it couldn't last long. Ma asked me to buy a new one since it really does not look like shoes anymore, more like a karong wrapped around the foot. It also made me stumbled down many times during aerobics and running, the sole has been badly worn out. I spent hours looking for a good one, because I cannot find a cheap one so I need to buy a really good one, the one which deserve the price. finally at 6pm, found 1. Yeah!
My mind was filled with anxiety of not being able to finish all the school stuff. and with that I rushed back to PGP. I was hungry and thought of eating at canteen, but I still have a lot of food which ma brought last time she came here, there are a lot of them, stffed in the refrigerator, if I do not start eating them now, they will surely rotten before I could finish all of them. Cannot lah! ma had perpared all these things with efforts and love, must not let them spoilt! It is not that they are not good to eat, ma's cooking is always my favourite. But I need to cook them, then wash the dishes and all that.,, spent almost 1.5 hours. =.=
And now here I am in my room.
Quit idle-ing
Quit worrying
May the hard work begins.
Ganbatte brig!!
Last Monday, I went to a voice lesson with Aunty Mary. When I reached the practice room, nobody is there, only Aunty Mary, sitting by the piano. I swallowed a big gulp. One on one lesson. She would find out how I am a miserable singer. >.< And yeah, I sang a lot of sharp notes, I was out of breath many times and sang as if I was about to push my intestine out of my ass. I was so embarrassed.
But Aunty Mary never looked me down. She patiently guided me and taught me the right way. She understood this being my first time to really learn how to sing. There are techniques and skills you cannot develop only in one night, and most importantly... the mindset.
There were points where I really could not help but sing terribly, and I was a bit discouraged. And that's just how my life goes. I dream, I wish, I hope, I have visions of what kind of person I would like myself to be. I tried and pushed myself. I could stagger with the unpleasant feelings that I have to endure. But there is always one point in time, where I could not help it anymore. Many times, I felt like I am not being myself. I am tired of pretending to be someone else, veiled by many people's shadows.
and Aunty Mary had a very good saying regarding my singing:
"... So you like Celine Dion. I know she is very beautiful and skillful and I believe she has practiced every now and then. You know, everyone and everything is created by God, there is no way it can be bad, You don't have to sound like her to be a good singer. It's not that you have to sing like me then you are right, Everyone has her own color. All we have to do is to bring out that color and make it beautiful in our own way. I can still be Mary Tan, and you can still be Brigitta and we are beautiful in our own way..."
That means a lot to me.
That one on one lesson had taught me more than anything I could expect and I am thankful for it. Maybe it s a blessing in disguise.
time paces
things happened so fast
I often feel like writing all those things down
but they blow like the wind
they blow my papers away with their presence
and go away just like that
Gosh! It's week 4 already! What have I missed? It has been a hectic week.
1. Went to Legionary Retreat and got refreshed and pumped up to do works for the glory of God. YAY..! So I went to help out with Catholic Awareness Week and try to reach out to people about our beautiful Catholic faith.
2. My parents are coming to Sg during Chinese New Year! I spent many hours to look for budget and proper accommodation and flight and thank God we manage to settle things down! This is gonna be very remarkable for our family. Papa almost never could find time to gather with us overseas. Yeah, we are on tight budget. But he needs to standby at his shop everyday. Altho jie jie cannot join us, she is busy with her moving out from Netherlands to pursue minor study in Czech Rep. Sounds very cool! :)) gonna be fun! People have been asking me if I am going back home this CNY. I am staying in Sg. But Yes, I am going home. Cos, as I quote from someone I forgot, home is not a place, it is when you get to be with your family. :D
3. I decided to apply for SEP. I have always want to study abroad. (Sg-Indo is not broad enough Xb). But I have always thought that I could not afford the price! Since it is 2nd round already, there are not much available places. I would like to go to UK, Canada.... All that's left is France, Germany, Sweden, Europe countries, non-English speaking countries... Ok, Sweden's not bad, too! So, with all my guts, I applied for it and spend 2 whole days doing the study plan. Whatever will be, will be. IF I cannot have it, it is okay. At least I don't have to spend very large amount of money :D But if I could have it... well... I would have to figure out how to fund the exchange. But above all, I will never regret because I DID try to apply for it.
4. Have been thinking about my CCA "commitments". I am currently active in 3 CCAs; NUS Legion of Mary, NUS Choir, and NUS Physics Society; and I am giving different kinds of "commitments" in each. As for NUS CHoir, going to practices, attend voice lessons, memorize songs and stuffs; I do all of that out of fear. I am aware how incompetent I am compared to other singers in the choir, and I feel like a loser everytime I went there. Sometimes I feel like quitting. This is where I learn to push myself, to teach myself of personal responsibility. As for Physoc, weekly meetings, and they always dragged... I really think that it is really an immature and unprofessional organization. No clear agenda, no discipline, and most of all, no appreciation towards time. The meeting always drags. Still, I try to be active during this one year service. Next year I am certainly gonna drop this one. And lastly, NUS Legion of Mary. All I could say, this is the best and my most treasured CCA in NUS. Good and warm friendship, responsible and committed members, strong structure,... This is where I learn about almost everything. How to live my faith, how to take care of things, how to have fun.. :)
5. Went to Dr Chan Clinic at Hougang to treat acne.
6. Went for sushi buffet with di di. I love my di di. He is very open minded and it is always insightful to chat with him. He would talk about his friends, his really smart friends. I really want to be a good jie jie for him. Sometimes I feel really bad, I keep asking him to do this and that. Keep telling him what s good and bad. But I have not really show him. I myself still slack when studying, still cannot be punctual, organized and all that... He is like the only indon at his school, and it is really a very different environment compared to our hometown. Many of his friends come from well educated family. I am not saying my papa and mama is not educated, but they were from a very very small and poor family in the countryside. They did not have the chance to know and experience a lot of things. And it is very different; Pontianak and Sg is very different. what works in Ponti often cannot work in Sg. I am making efforts to be a good jie jie. Everytime I am tempted to slack in my study, I always remember my di di. my di di is a very good boy and I know that he knows it too, and I really wish him all the best! Oooohhh, this is the heart of a jie jie... >.<
7. Found an old J-dorama that I used to watch back in indon during 1995s. "Rindu-rindu Aizawa" (Ienaki ko), I recalled watching ot every 130pm while my babysitter spoon my lunch. I would cry at many sad scenes... T_T
8. Buy myself a self-help book. Heroic Living, by Chris Lowney, check this out. I will write more about this when I finish reading it.
9. Start to attend cardio aerobic class in NUS, my mama asked me to. My whole body aches, it really is a rigorous one. I cannot do sit up. And compared to other girls, I am like one of the few pear shaped girl, WIDE SHORT pear. :b Many slim girls are there doing the aerobics, I wonder why.. ah maybe to maintain the shape! I felt shy when I looked at us in the mirror. But as I go through the session, somehow I gain positive thinkings. Like, I do this for my health, I am a God's masterpiece too. That's why I am taking care of this good piece he s given me.
10. I was trying to find an old chinese song. I remember the tones only and it is sooo hard to find it. I came across this lady Teresa Teng singing this very beautiful ballad. She is so captivating, like a goddess, and graceful like a fairy. THE CRAZIEST THING: at some point I feel I resemble her from some view angle. HAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHLOLROFLHUAHAHAHAHAHA... I know I would be stoned to death by bringing about such non sense. But seriously! I remembered Br. Kelvin told me that I look very familiar to him in fact we never met. And when I visit Dr Chan's Clinic the nurse also said so.
nuf said. I dont want to get killed.
That's all for now. Still have so many things but it is very late already. I feel my English gets worsen. I can't speak properly; bad grammar, singlish accent aih!!!! NIGHTMARE! I can't really write, too! That's why I decide to spend some time blogging. Hehe... Is it the side effect of learning Chinese? No No NO I only need to practice more --> self hypnotherapy
I havent really studied these past few weeks, and my parents are coming down this week. Feels like I really have no time, but my books are still left untouched. Uuugghhh, the guilt and pressure!
I could spend whole my life being mad at myself and still study nothing. Ganbatte! At least I pointed out things to be thankful for this week.
Aaaaahhh lifeee ^^