I am mugging alright.
I am by myself (as always) and when I was tired I felt so lonely and sad (as always).
But actually solitude is not that bad. I prefer being in solitude rather than wasting time with people who don't give a damn. Ya, I don't like them.
I don't like anything. I don't know how to love, I can't force myself to love people cos nobody loves me. and because actually no one takes time to love.
I have forgotten how to love.
STOP!!!!
Lord, I need to talk...
April 2011
The Donkey
by G K Chesterton
When fishes flew and forests walked
And figs grew upon thorn,
Some moment when the moon was blood
Then surely I was born;
With monstrous head and sickening cry
And ears like errant wings,
The devil's walking parody
On all four-footed things.
The tattered outlaw of the earth,
Of ancient crooked will;
Starve, scourge, deride me: I am dumb,
I keep my secret still.
Fools! For I also had my hour;
One far fierce hour and sweet:
There was a shout about my ears,
And palms before my feet.
I woke up today with so heavy heart, felt like failure once I opened my eyes. :(
I just went to library and study there, very quickly. My time is running out and I need to rush because today I will have to go for Legion Curia and I promised the people at Hillcrest to go for their Spanish Night.
I could just skip it if I want. Honestly I really did not feel like going. I was sleep deprived and was so stressed and emo, that made me, without any reason (well, you dont need reason to feel sad. No argument could ever console someone who wants to be sad even when there are enough reasons to be happy), I became very hateful towards life and people, and frankly... God.
Actually, my problem is I had not been going for confession for like several weeks, and I felt like a crap. especially during these past few weeks, I had committed many awful sins. But I am so ashamed of myself. It is very embarrassing to talk about the same sins over and over again to the same priest. In my case, it is even worst, the priest and I know each other. Not that he will scold me or whatever, this priest is a very kind and good priest. I really dont know how to look at him if he knew about it. And I was also discouraged on myself keep confessing the same things every time I go for confession. Bluntly speaking, someone so self-centered like me goes to confession because I dread that someday I will die and go to hell. The fact that I keep repeating the same mistakes is a big question "Do you really love God?"
But the good thing is, I don't stop going for confession. Because I am a physicist, and I am insane! (Einstein defined insanity as doing the same things over and over again and hoping to get different results) ;p Nope nope. It is because I know that the problem is with myself, and not with the confession.
I was scared and I pray hard. I wrote down my sins and was tempted to confess only the small sins. But with a lot of courage, I finally write down the lethal ones. And I went into the confession room. Still hoping that the priest won't recognize my voice... But when I looked at the cross, my heart beat and somehow I speak even louder and clearer. As usual, Fr Joe gave a very nice spiritual direction.
And about my self-interested love of God (I love God because He happens to be the one who in the end will be the answer of my happiness and salvation, not because of Him being who He is), I would now think it more of this way: Like when I have a courtship with a boy, I would want the boy to love me for who I am. Not because he likes to see my beautiful face, or because he is proud of having a smart and cool girl like me as his girlfriend, or because he needs a girlfriend because he doesn't want people think that he is gay or uncool. That's not the kind of love that I want. I have been through this and I know how it feels. But of course the boy will always start with that kind of love. With good direction and courtship, he will definitely be able to love me as I am. So, the same applies to loving God. It is much better to start with this puppy love towards God (rather than being a skeptic who refuse to love anything) , so long as you keep growing and nurturing it to be a real love.
At the end of my confession, he asked me, "what do you have for Spanish dinner?"
"CRAP! He knows it is me!!!"
I was so embarrassed and no words came out of my mouth. The only thing that came across my mind that time is to get out of the confession chamber as soon as I could. So I awkwardly say:
"Well, Father, they are waiting for me downstairs."
And Father said :
"Oh, OK then. God bless you with your exams and apostolate"
I was making this face >:0 *shock* He definitely knew that it is me, the girl he meets every Thursday at Legion Meeting.
I know that I am not supposed to see confession that way. My bad.. my bad..
But above all, I am so grateful for the courage. I am now so much at peace, and optimist about my future. Thank God for today, for the consolations. I feel so brand new and I can see so many chances that God has offered to me. Thanks for the forgiveness and for this new outlook on life. Go for confession. Pray for a while and be humble upon God. He wants you to be clean (and it is so good to be clean) and He helps you to do the cleaning!
I am now so much at peace. I have reserved a day of retreat next Saturday to thank God, to receive many more graces.
I have to stay focused when studying!!!! AYO GGGGIIITTTT!!!!!!!!!
I hope someone's smile could distract me
I hope someone's fists could fight for me
So I don't have to see what lies ahead
I hope someone's love could blind me
I hope someone's arms could bind me
So I will never have to see what I've grown to be
One may think I am alright
But I need pills to sleep at night
and tonight the pills don't work
my body aches and head as heavy as stone
One may think I am alright
But I need lies to make it through the day
I am not okay
One may think I am doing fine
but if I have to draw it on a line
I am losing ground for every passing day
I am really not okay
But that's the thing that I will never say to you
Single Girl
by Sandy Posey
The single girl all alone in a great big town
The single girl gets so tired of love lettin' her down
The life's unreal and the people are homely
And the nights can get so lonely
The single girl needs a sweet lovin' man to lean on
I'm a single girl wonderin' if love could be passin' me by
I'm a single girl and I know all about men and their lies
Nobody loves me 'cause nobody knows me
Nobody takes the time to go slowly
The single girl needs a sweet lovin' man to lean on
I gotta make my own way
There's rent I gotta pay
I need a night-time love
To get me through the day
I'm a single girl all alone in a great big town
I'm a single girl and I get so tired of love lettin' me down
But there's a man I've yet to know
Waiting somewhere I've yet to go
Someday I'll have a sweet loving man to lean on
The single girl needs a sweet lovin' man to lean on
The single girl needs a sweet lovin' man to lean on
"..Opa sudah ndak ada..."
My mum called me this morning. She told me Opa passed away last night. He had been suffering from heart and lung complication for the last 5 months of his life.
Goodbye Opa. Even without your blood flowing in my vein, you are the best grandparent I could ever have. How I wish I had been a better grandchild for you.
And on this night, I once again ride on my train of thoughts..
Money can't buy happiness. But people say money can buy things that make you happy. Well, I have been spending a lot of money on several things this past few weeks. A lot, I mean it, A LOT. How come I still don;t feel happy? I guess the money-buy-things-that-make-you-happy philosophy only applies to another class of people. I felt so unhappy because of this, and when I think of my parents at home I felt so bad and felt very guilty. When you don't have it you desperately want it. When you pay for it, the guilts come along. Would I feel the same way if I am a rich person? I don't know. Have never been one.. But for now, the closer I could get is to think of what I am going to do in the future that will enable me to be a rich person. That really doesn't help.
There are more things in this life other than money...
...
...
...
Friends, for example.
But where are they tonight?
Do I really have one?
Do I really know that I have any?
As I recall the friendships I have made since I was young, I remembered feeling unsatisfied with each single one. I end up parting with my "gangs" and wandered around trying to find my "real besties".
"Real Besties", you know, like the ones in the movies, someone you could share your problems and feelings, without any threat of insecurity.
I have always been insecure. I am always afraid of being alone. Though it may seems to other people that "Leave me alone" is well written on my face..
The problem is on me. I fear I will end up living like this for the rest of my life.
The truth is, I have kept too many secrets to myself. I have been living a life of secret. And since it is very clear that it is a secret, I can't tell anyone.
Because I feel so insecure.
I can't seem to find anyone to tell how heavy my heart is. Can't even find the words to describe it.
What's the use of going for exchange? I would only waste my parents' money to go far away only to emo myself there.
What's the use of being a Physics student if you are that stupid? Even worse, if you don't have any idea what you are doing, or what you are going to do. The only thing I am sure of is that I am unsure. Or maybe I just pretend to be unsure despite my very consent of me hating this Physics things.
What's the use of going to World Youth Day? Hoping for a real conversion? I have seen myself kept falling, even in this momentous Lent season. I have been going to confession only to confess the same sins every week.
The faith is beautiful, and God is good, the problem is only with myself.
What's the point of it all???
If you know you are a chronic emo person, maybe you should stop listening to emo songs, like what I did recently. I enjoy listening to Chopin's Nocturne in C, C sharp minor, E minor... Mercy Street, Bohemian Raphsody, Stairway to Heaven... When I am emo, I listen to songs like these, altho they do not make me happier, I do enjoy them.
In fact, that's the dangerous thing. You are compiling an album of "Compilation for Suicide". It took a friend to make me realize that I enjoy them because I was indulging too much self-pity/ self centeredness.
Help yourself, change your playlist. Fill it with songs like these :
In my playlist now :
1. Kenny G - Sentimental
2. Ben E King - Stand by Me
3. Percy Sledge - When a Man Loves a Woman
4. Peggy March - I will follow him
5. Doris Troy - Just One Look
6. Buddy Holly - true Love Ways
7. Otis Redding - Sitting on the Dock on the Bay
8. George Michael - Kissing a Fool
9. Survivor - Eye of the Tiger
10. Close to You - Trixx
and the likes.
You need to get out of the vicious cycle, start with your playlist.
BadCatholic: Because the Church Is Too Powerful: "The second issue for me is the institution... the Catholic church... it had and still has too much power.. and it's authority is justified t..."
Tick.. tick..
is the sound of the clock
Nguuungggg...
is the sound of air con machine
I need to talk
but they just ignore me
it is 235am
I'd rather sleep than accompanying my self hatred thoughts
But 50 pages more to read, derive and comprehend
3 more reports to be done
How I wish I could call someone
just to tell I have been missing him/her
to tell how I am so tired and scared
to listen what he/she would suggest me to do
maybe I will whine quite a lot
but he/she will patiently bear with me
and in the end, he/she would say
"Whatever happens, I will still happy to have you"
Then he/she ask me to calm down
perhaps tell a short story
inspiring story
or some funny jokes
and lastly he/she will say to me
"Life is beautiful, isn't it??
He/she has made me couldn't agree more
Ya, life is beautiful
Ya, this sufferings are only small small tiny bits part of this vast magnificence
Then he/she says "I am glad you are cheered"
and tell me that he/she will call me back next day
or maybe have a lunch together after I finish all my deadlines
And then I hang up the phone
And starts working
...
and that's when I realized I need to sleep
mind is going wild
wildly emo