November 2011
To be honest, Advent season had always come post-exam and coincided with vacation when the world was once again bright and peaceful. I was always 'ready' to be merry and happy for Christmas even without significant effort to go through the supposedly reflective and contemplative Advent Season.
But not this year. As Advent was coming near, I was reaching the edge of myself and I really did not expect much on this Christmas. 'I don't have time for you because my world is crumbling around me. Leave me alone.', I feel like being one of the people who dismissed a place for Mother Mary to give birth.
That bad.
I don't know if there is anybody else out there who is going through something like this, or maybe even worse. It's the point in life where I witness the immense desires and longings reach a point of eruption in me. It seemed helpless because I could not find inside me what is needed to fix the things I have made wrong.
Do not stop praying and hoping, even before the fact of our boundless human yearnings and the ocean of human defects. I hope this article could be useful to take back the hope and faith you have left and make good use of this momentous Advent season, because through this I finally came to a realization that this could be the Christmas when I really get to welcome my Savior. This loss and confusions that I am struggling with is the spiritual gift that assures me that the waiting for the Lord is all worthwhile.
The deepest meaning of Advent cannot be understood by anyone who has not experienced being terrified unto death about himself and his human prospects and likewise what is revealed within himself about the situation and constitution of mankind in general.
This entire message about God's coming, about the Day of Salvation, about redemption drawing near, will be merely divine game-playing or sentimental lyricism unless it is grounded upon two clear findings or fact.
The first finding : insight to, and alarm over, the powerlessness and futility of human life in relation to its ultimate meaning and fulfillment. That powerlessness and futility are both boundaries of our existence and are also consequences of sin. At the same time we are keenly aware that life does have an ultimate meaning and fulfillment.
The second finding : the promise of God to be on our side, to come to meet us. God resolved to raise the boundaries of our existence and to overcome the consequences of sin.
However, as a result, the basic condition of life always has an Advent dimension: boundaries, and hunger, and thirst, and lack of fulfillment, and promise, and movement toward one another. That means, however, that we basically remain without shelter, under way and open until the final encounter, with all the humble blessedness and painful pleasure of this openness.
Therefore, there is no interim finality and the attempt to create final conclusions is an old temptation of mankind. Hunger and thirst, and desert journeying, and the survival teamwork of mountaineers on a rope - these are the truth of our human condition. The promises given relate to this truth, not to arrogance and caprice. There really are promises given to this truth though, and we can and should rely upon them. The truth will make you free (Jn 8:32).
That truth is the essential theme of life. Everything else is only expression, result, application, consequence, testing and practice. May God help us to wake up to ourselves and in doing so, to move from ourselves toward him.
FATHER ALFRED DELP, SJ
I am so happy that the blog is once again mentally and spiritually healhty.
All our lives we've dreamed about it
Just to find that it was never real
This sure ain't no great Valhalla
Coming closer each turn of the wheel
Forlorn, adrift on seas of beige
In this our Golden Age
Even in our darkest hour
Never thought that it could get so bad
Bullied, suckered, pimped and patronised
Every day your tawdry little lives
So loose your head
And step within
The silence deafening
Now you saw it coming and I saw it coming
We all saw it coming but we still bought it
You saw it coming and I saw it coming
But still running full steam ahead
In and out of consciousness
It breaks my heart to see you like this
Crying, wringing hands and cursing fate
Always so little far too late
It's 3am I'm wide awake
There's still one call to make
One call
Now you saw it coming and I saw it coming
We all saw it coming but we still bought it
You saw it coming and I saw it coming
We all saw it coming but we still bought it
Hey, running full steam ahead
Running full steam ahead
Running full steam
Gonna cover my eyes, gonna cover my eyes
Running full steam, yeah
Now you saw it coming and I saw it coming
We all saw it coming but we still bought it
You saw it coming and I saw it coming
We all saw it coming but we still bought it
I was asking myself of what I would do if I had the remote control like in Adam Sandler's movie 'Click'.
No, not 'rewind'. I don't like my past. And the thought of having to do everything all over again, that would be like trapped in a nightmare.
'Fast forward'. Not that, not that, too. I am scared. It's like a horror movie to me.
Duh...
Honestly, I want to press 'Eject'.
'Power off'
Haha... Because I need to work harder, not to watch movies.
But seriously, it's hard.
People say : 'Ignorance is a bliss' and also that 'knowledge is power'.
I am wondering if I am the odd one out of this humanity. Everything that commonly applies to people, it just couldn't fit in me. I have been feeling taunted by things that I know and at the same time, stuck in impasse because of things that I do not.
My brain, I'm so sorry for not using you well. I cause this imbalance of serotonin and norepinephrine (correct spelling?). I feel like giving my brain a pat and a hug.
But it's not possible without having my head opened up. o.0
Hang in there.
This very touching version of Mindy's 'Child of Light'
captures very nicely the gift of our being in Divine Filiation.
We all have the Light within and it shines through the darkness of our life. We might not see it ourselves. But God see it, recognize it, know it by Heart. And He knows the way, He knows every way, even the path that passes through the valley of death. With His mighty staff, He will lead you.
The world is not as perfect as how sweet songs sound, not as exciting as the book that I am reading because I, and I guess many people out there too, keep wondering why it couldn't be as great. Can I have a friend like Sam? Will there ever be someone who sing this song to me?
Instead of waiting for a friend like Sam, be a friend like him. Sing this song to your loved one. Don't forget to be nice to yourself, too. Something that I always find hard to be.
Awww... who's the good briggy? *hug myself*
That way, we are making our own dream a reality, right?
Life is not supposed to be less inviting than any human's creation. Be romantic, be heroic, make it real.
Pat pat to myself.
It is okay to make mistake. Nothing goes in vain even when it seems that so much had been lost and regretted. At the very least, you got to be more understanding to others who probably did the same mistakes (especially this kind of seemingly silly and worthless mistake) and later on could give your shoulder to those in need. Life does not come with manual, so it is fine to make mistakes. All the more when you usually still keep making mistakes even when instruction is very straightforward. We are only human, it's just that.
Hm, actually life does come with manual. It's all in the Scripture, the Living Word.
Nothing to despair, the Manual says there is always chance to start again and everything is going to be alright.
Carry on carry on.
(Disclaimer : This post has nothing to do with cannibalism and mutilation. )
So I was walking back to my dorm with two of my classmate. There was this guy from Milan who seemed to be skeptical about the Church and her teachings, a very nice guy though.
Nice Guy : ... I mean, I can't even understand why would a woman want to be a Christian. The bible says that you are made out of a man's rib cage. Isn't that degrading?
Me : ... (stunned) Are you kidding me? That woman was created from a man's rib cage is the most romantic thing ever!
I remember reading something like this. A woman was not created from a man's head to be above him, nor was she created from his foot to be under him. A woman was taken from a man's side to stand beside him, from beneath his arm to be protected by him, from near his heart to be loved by him.
How could it be degrading? Let's see how much I got from my primary biology. Rib protects vital organs such as heart and lungs. Just imagine how the rib cage would let itself to be broken to protect the heart from damages. It shows exactly what an honorable creature a woman is to a man. You, woman, support him as the rib cage support the body. You are the rib that protects what is within himself.
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us" - Gandalf to Frodo in LOTR FOTR.
The temptations are to be 'God' of our own life and try to decide for ourselves of what will happen next (while, ironically, having the right attitude about it, that is being prudent, is one thing we have to struggle with). If you are emo like me, in your imagination life will lead to failures and eternal sadness. But we are only human, and this, fortunately, is our limit. We cannot foresee what's next and just admit this, we are always wrong about the future, no matter how good or bad we expect it to be. I am thankful that this is our limit.
No, this is a gift.
Feels like the world keeps playing tricks on me. I am running back and forth following the bait it offers to me, only to find that it is nothing but a deadly poison in candy shell. With chocolate sprinkles, how am I supposed to resist it? People from Physics Department really should stop giving out false messianic hope that everyone could actually do Physics, that a bright future comes along with a Physics degree. And everything about this exchange program, only to put me stranded in this place of exile. A cruel trick indeed.
How am I supposed to think after all of this bitter episodes? That the world hates me and everything good it seems to offer is a mere trick to play on a fool like me?
I am teetering between what's real and what's not. This cunning darkness and loneliness makes it so hard to live with.
Is this also another trick? Fool, you never learn.
What lies ahead of this darkness?
Will I just bump to another wall?
Will I fall to a deep abyss?
Why should I risk it? Another step I take would only lead me to another darkness.
But I know there is an end for this dark and cold tunnel.
And when it feels like you are all alone, not even your own shadow befriends you, believe that your friend is there. It is just this darkness. But he is there.
Courage, please.
I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for. - My hero, Samwise Gamgee