December 2010

The road of university life become more hostile toward myself.

I think last semester has given me enough glimpse of how vicious level 2 modules can be.

It is still level 2, LOL...

Maybe I am stupid.

Ya, the thought haunts me many times this semester. Even tops my list of of "suicidal impulses".

Wait, maybe it is the thought. Maybe my resentment towards that thought hinders me from doing well. Maybe I am not THAT stupid.

Or, maybe it is those tons of CCAs activities that I took last semester; NUSChoir, NUANSA, Physics Society.

I have one more; NUS Legion of Mary. But I enjoy myself there.

Really, though with so many people you see and meet during those activities, with noises so loud and the sun shining bright, you feel alone, you hear nothing, and you see nothing at all.

I met a lot of people; grown up people; who probably see everything merely through what it seems. I faced the real life version of kiasu-ness, bossy-ness, so-called professionalism... 1 minute with these kind of people is enough to make you realize how cold and bitter reality is.

I also met people who seems to be way too perfect; with attribute like that of heroic protagonist in a drama, high class life style, smart and creative; all packaged in a good looking shell.

I envy them.

But I am helpless.

Then, I would blame.

Ah, I am so not contented with my life.

...

...

But I would hate myself even more if I keep letting myself down like this.

I will do better next year.

I plan to go for exchange, get rid of Singapore, and travel far. Let go off the blindfold that has been covering my eyes all this time. Yale, Japan, Canada, New Zealand.

There is no easy way. I will have to do a lot of things, be prepared of rejections and push myself against my own weaknesses.

But maybe I could go for exchange, and be insighted, be inspired.

I will do what it takes to reach my dream to be technology enterpreneur. So far, I am still narrowing my option to energy and resource technology.

Ah, if there is one good thing from 2010, that would be me finding one direction to go. It feels so doomed, to wander around without any goal to aim. Research in physics has already been out of my list. I am very assured of this. Number 1 is because there is no motivation, number 2 is I don't even like being with Physics people. Most of them are irritating :( and self-absorped.

I will work, hopefully I can get internship during semester 2 vacation. I will try to find a way to technology companies, recycling companies in Singapore.

I am fully aware of how hard this could be. I am an absent minded and childish girl. But I am willing to change and learn to be a good career person. Yosh! Yosh!

I am taking Japanese module this semester, and looking forward to better my Chinese.

I will swim regularly and join aerobic class in NUS, also bring my brother along for swimming! :)) I want to be fit and healthy!


For my love life.... who doesn't want to have someone to love and care for you? Maybe not.. I am still very pessimistic and skeptical about myself being able to find someone humble enough to take me as I am. And yet too picky to accept available chance.

Who am I try to fool? I won't say I love myself as I am. I hate seeing my own self (witness how one could be doomed in genetic lottery), I am selfish and childish, and I hate myself that way.

I see, and maybe you see it too... How could one be happy if she is even unhappy with herself?

I will try to work this out too... Read self-improvement books (Yeah right) , get a plastic surgery (LOL), meet more people...

Maybe somehow I could befriend with myself.

There is nobody to impress; I need to show myself that I can live my life.

Maybe next year...

I could be happy :)

Maybe next year...

Posted on

Friday, December 31, 2010

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries.

---

No songs could describe my nagging adolescent angst any better than this. Ah, youth... With so many explosive dendrite growth inside the brain, not to mention, bombarded by stimulation of physical, emotional, and social change, every youth struggles with planning, reasoning, and making decisions. Sometimes I think my stimulations are way too volatile, that when everyone has found their way to move on, I keep myself being stranded on the ground.

It is a matter of attitude. Anything can be said and done, it is yourself who decide what's good or bad. And that is why people say "Attitude makes up altitude". I haven't got that attitude, yet. I am still living life as naive as can be; playing on the safe side, blaming others when things get wrong; and thus here I am, deep down in the dark abyss.

Don't get me wrong. I really don't like myself that way. I want to be happy, I just have not yet figured out how; sometimes even convinced that I would probably never be... --> Bad thoughts, I think they are my best companion. When everyone seems not to give a damn of my life, when I am most alone, they are always there with me. But they will only lead me to their vicious cycle.

Anyway, I changed my blog layout. I am sick of pretending to have bright colors to display my life. I want to hide from this bitter world; of its labeling this and that, of its demanding this and that, of its judging who and what, of its unfairly destined lottery of life... For this moment, I'd rather hide, and thus, black ftw. :)

I am a rock

Posted on

Thursday, December 30, 2010

I once thought of going there, wondering if they could help me with my woes.


Psychiatrist : (Hypnotherapy-ing) ...Now I want you to open your hard drive. Click on your application folder. Do you see a folder marked "Suicidal Impulses"? I want you to drag that to the trash.

Well, I wish...

Psychiatry, Hypnotherapy

This semester has been a complete disaster for me. I wept, got stressed and alone so many times. I suspected myself to suffer from depression. I cannot concentrate on school, CCA, my faith and friendship. I am not happy with anything, am not contented with myself, with people around me, with my environment, yet, I can't figure out how I want them to be.

Someone like me, might be too much of drama, or soaps, naive... But it just happened and I lost control of my mood, my emotion and everything. Exasperate and desperate as can be, I never thought I would ever live this way. By desperate I mean I could think of committing suicide, of anyway to put an end to my life and if I may, I would just restart it. God won't like it, Mum won't like it, she keeps saying that suicide is a cowardly action. But, if I can make my defense, I am not trying to run away, because I lost sight of where else to run, I just think that I do not deserve to live. But I am afraid of the pain, yeah, maybe I am a coward, I don't even dare to face the pain of suicide.

There is this crazy lady in my head, she keeps accusing me of my failures at school, she keeps telling me that nobody could even like me because I am ugly inside out, she keeps whispering to my head how unfortunate everything is to me, how I could have been better, if only I were him or her, of only I had him or her... I can not stop her. She is corrupting my brain and my soul, she is tearing me to pieces.

I think of school, how I have failed to educate myself, to take chances, to figure out where I belong
I think of my mum, how I have let her down, how I fear that I could never make her happy
I think of my siblings, how I have failed to be a good and dependable sister
I think of my friends, so few come to mind
I think of my life, I can't seem to connect the dots of my past, the future, if I may have one, is bleak and gray

I am scared.
I am scared of life to death.

What's the feeling?

Posted on

Wednesday, December 22, 2010