The term itself gives an impression of dilemma. It is so much easier when you find one of the answers comply with what you have in mind, even when you are not sure, somehow it gives assurance and helps you to build up the idea on even sturdier foundation. Problem solved. But complication starts when none corresponds to your idea. Something is wrong, the options tell you what you are supposed to think, and that it is not there, meaning you are lost, way too far from the right track or what is acceptable. And it is obvious that you can not have right and wrong answers at the same time. There you start confusing yourself. Even more irritating when it is a bonus question!
April 2012
Deactivating my facebook account. It is like an act of strike for my disappoinment of life. Of the happy statuses that I could not relate with. Of difficult conversations I could not get in. Of shallow posts, be it emo statuses that is demeaning to emo people (HAHA), unimportant updates of life and so on.
You see, I am the one with problems here.
I am not someone who camps for hours on facebook. My account activity has been almost nil and I have no interest at all to make it better. Perhaps 'losing' too much alr. I am not interested with someone else's life, as no one is to mine.
Is it applicable for my life, too? Nah, nah. I have no life. Guh.
It is another ridiculous episode of mine. But deactivating it is quite like a suicide. There s a fear of losing everything, esp the pictures from previous parts of life which is a sign that I exist.
Facebook reminded me that these people will miss me, I found most of whom I came to complete loss of contact with. It reminded me again that things are especially complicated with the parents, almost no contact in 2 weeks already now. With the sister who I spent a lot of time with last summer. And even with the brother who stays in the same area with me. Gosh, what a broken tie. I am too lazy to be the one to fix it.
See, deactivating the account can be dramatic.
Until I found out that they had the option for 'temporary'.
To my defense, I have been having a series of mild illness. I have not been studying for my coming exams, and am not getting any internship with only 3 digit savings in my account. Call it a punishment for not planning my uni life properly, but really life is that unforgiving? And may I add, unfair? I have been nothing but bitter, been sitting alone at the corner of the dining hall when even the most unsociable boy that I know was at least sitting with a group of people.
"To whom can I expose the urgency of my passion?" -Stranded alien.
I don't have intuition of what it is that is happening inside my brain without cutting it open (desperate enough to think of how it can be done). And I wish my intuitive extrapolation of my future is wrong. I don't want to lose someone whom I ever really love. I wish I could look back to this post one day without wanting to change anything of my past. Knowing how inadequate and insane I am, this is the bitter medicine the Doctor prescribed to me. But why did He make me suffer from this sickness of soul, or put me in the endemic area in the first place? I don't understand this. And I am stupid enough to be an agnostic when I think of this, not Richard Dawkins kind of atheist, but also not belong to Heavens and Its association on Earth (in Singapore where I am, surrounded by His people)
I don't want to lose my religion, really.
First-thing-first thing, I hope I am falling to sleep. It s going to be 4 am soon. I hate this. Been a long day of self talk and self thought. I am tired.
"Because I am different. So don't compare..."
Interesting. Difference is the outcome from comparing per se. So how would being different hinder someone from being compared? It already happened!
Is this the best thing we could come out as our excuse at the brink of comparison? Is it our fear of comparison (and losing!) that brings us to this pursuit of being different?
If it is comparison (and fear of losing) that we are running away from, think again about the meaning of being different. Our fear is something out of the context of the fact that things (may I say everything) are comparable. We have all the adjectives to describe our comparison. In a way, everything is different and isn't it all just the same? And so much as the comparison is an ambiguous interpretation of subjectivity, it does not change the fact of what we truly are.
So why do we have to be different? Why do we have to change? Face it and anyway, nothing could change it, we are bad at some things and to be fair, good at some things (can always change the range of spectrum of comparison :P) . No matter how little the good ones are, isn't that enough consolation?
'Tis road I have been traveling comes to a traffic light. Been ignoring one after another warning sign and not pulling the brake. I am traveling fast and proud on the wrong lane. I kept the distance vast enough to make a turning back. To security I will go and not coming back. It is such a discomfort to look back.
But is there anything that hurts more than watching someone leaving you behind, disappearing from sight?
My security is an illusion in the desert. Guilty as charged, I am running away for my own comfort.
Red light is on. Quo vadis?
Time to redefine relationship. Tough, but be a man!