Last weekend was awful and I can't help but projecting the heaviness to upcoming weeks.
It was just week 1 and already I felt worn and torn. And this is bad because when I did so, the ghost of the past came haunting altogether. My strategy was to rationalize the fears and feelings, to step back and see the big picture of it all. And I have to do all of this by myself. I woke up everyday feeling that I am going to have my head cut off my body. This, is almost like living in a cell, waiting for the sentence for the crime I have committed. It is sure to be dead sentence, but somehow, deep inside, I still hope to see that it was not that bad, that I can come out of this in one full body.
If anyone tell me that this is just about finishing school and coping alone, I would laugh at how exaggerated the rendition is. But it is, it is.
Starting week 2 with Mozart's Requiem: Kyrie. If there's a God, He would take pity on me. But there doesn't seem to be any.
Been thinking of how deeply in love I am with music. I was high and low, here and there, with and without and survived through it all. As addicting as morphine to my pains, I feel being understood as much as I want to be. Music is a company, like a friend (-only better). In case of obsession, it became like a religion (-only better). Oh maaaan...
In my dream I were grooving with XX's Romy Madley Croft
I have watched several versions of the 'Phantom of the Opera' and I have never loved the musical more than after I watched Sierra Borges and Ramin Karimloo's rendition of it. Ramin especially, played a very endearingly dramatic Phantom.
It took me a while to be able to digest something as full of emotion such as this story. After what I had gone through last semester, I seemed to be more aware of this bundle of impulses and ignorance that I am. It made me want to curl up in a ball everytime I remembered the shameful things that I did in the name of standing up for the thing that I thought made me human. And everyone else thought I was crazy.
I had my Phantom period. (oh yeah that term 'emo' is so mainstream)
Head and heart a universe apart, yet we battled our whole lives working to disentangled these two. And in this world, of sanity and civility, in any case of battle between our head and heart, the head must win.
The head must win. So only in Phantom's cave can one helplessly scream, wail, long and gaze upon love and loss. And Ramin haunted the audience with these scenes which are not possible in this world; we humans live and move on.