October 2011
My mind flew away into a memory box. I remembered being very small and very young.
Was thinking: if babies are smart, how is it that I am dumb? Had I failed growing up properly? Ugh..
Then, I came across an old Japanese drama that I watched when I was in kindergarten. It was a tremendously sad and emo drama. I couldn't believe I watched something like that when I was young. The story was about a 10 year old girl, but really I now think that it was not something for any children of that age. I just realised how the over dramatization of the turmoils in the story might have given me the drama and the bitterness from a very young age.
Really should pay attention on what children and even babies see and hear.
They say God is like a parent who love all His children, and all the hardships are there to teach the children to grow. Is it too much to ask Him to stop? Am I such a bad child for asking Him how could He be so mean to even think of creating something like me? Didn't He see through what mess I would become? Didn't He pity those whom I have been a burden to?
I wish I were nothing
living in a place called nowhere.
He is indeed a great man. But I might have a slightly different reason for saying that. Many people admire him for his visions in technology, especially through his Apple brands. I myself own a MacBook Pro, and I have been a satisfied user ever since I bought it 2 years ago. My first mp3 player was an iPod shuffle that my Dad bought me when it was still new in the market around 6 or 7 years ago. It still functions well, I believe. I broke the charger because of my own carelessness a year ago and could not find the replacement because apparently Apple has stopped producing that old version of iPod shuffle. I never have another mp3 player up to now. I can't say much about his other products because I don't have them. And at some point, I felt a slight dislike towards him and his Apple company for selling the most expensive products in their ecosystem. But again, I am not a person who follows the gadgets and who is savvy enough to comment on his innovations in this area.
It was last year when I was very stressed with school and myself, I tried to find some encouragement by looking for any commencement speech online because usually those speeches tend to bring uplifting messages about future - something that I was dying to hear. Then I found his commencement speech as the most recommended by my search engine.
I could not help but admire that guy. His words are so blunt and what he told the people touched exactly the things that I had been reflecting then.
I was so blown away by the story of his life and how he managed to see and think beyond of all the vicissitudes of life, and death.
It was quite dangerous, though. When he said he was a college drop-out and that he could not find any point of paying a tremendous amount of money just to get a degree, I was so inspired to quit school. Haha...
But this is what differs me so much from this Apple dude : I have no guts.
More or less one year has passed, and I am still keeping that speech on my mind. Of course this poor memory can't do, but thanks to iTunes, I downloaded his speech for free from Standford's archive and I am still having it here on my Mac.
But I am still the same miserable person as when I watched the speech for the first time, if not worse. Finding the things that you would love to do for life is not easy at all. And I envy him for having found that while he lived and worked his whole heart and mind for that. I wish I could die as someone who has lived the life fully, doing what I love, and not wasting the very limited time that I have, as he had done. So thanks to you, Steve, now I don't even feel worthy of dying.
Anyway, the last thanks is not sincere.
Then, also about his legendary temper, his tantrums, and his unabashed bashing of employees who he deemed unqualified. But yet, he was revered, respected, and loved. I am so envious for that. I hope he sees it now that that's one thing he might have missed in his life. The fact that he is a genius doesn't mean that he can treat anybody the way he feels like doing. I am saying this because I think I will get bashed a lot had I been working with him.
But that's just how the world works. How many influential people with good manners and big heart can you find? The world doesn't need nice guys, no? Again, it was him who pointed this equivocal truth to me.
Farewell, Apple dude. I wonder how it is there. Have you seen the truth? Have you finally realized what matters the most? Do you know how much I want to live the way you did? Do you know how hard it is for me? Anyway, do you regret for not going to church during your life? :p I am praying for your soul.
And guess what, at least I manage to fulfill one of your life philosophy :
Stay hungry, stay foolish
I assure you that I haven't got any smarter. I am still very much foolish, as you wish.
And I am hungry all the time. Like this time. So off I go to eat.
'There is an expiry date for blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction. - J.K. Rowling'
Well, in our case it is more of not steering us anywhere and leaving us stranded helplessly.
I wish someday I could thank them for this gift of having to figure out almost everything by ourselves and of having nowhere to take counsel. Long road to go.
I have a QM test tomorrow and I just realized that now. I haven't been touching anything about it for the last 2 weeks. Oh, when I said 2 weeks, it is equivalent to half a semester in KTH. I thought NUS was the worst university for compacting what's supposed to be learnt in 1 year in USA to 1 semester. Here, we had to finish it in 2 months. Hahahaha...
CRAZY
When I am back in Sg, I'll tell people, I failed all my modules.
'Ah, so you traveled a lot and didn't study, huh?'
Nope.
Fuuuuuu......nnnn