Anything associated to time is now a horror to me.
Everything about going back to Sg has been my fear.
But there is nothing left for me in this town.
Swollen...
is my head.
bumped to the water slide this morning.
June 2010
My mum, dad and little brother went to Singkawang. I, for some reasons, did not go. My school is having their 60th anniversary and they (claimed) they had quiet a big celebration for that. They got bazaar, snacks, got mass jogging... But, I was expecting something too much, It was sooo hot, and soooo boring, there are old aunties and uncles everywhere having reunion. I met old teachers from my high school. Bite me, the meeting was not interesting at all. I never like my school in my hometown. I went to school only to meet friends, to win prizes got some certificate needed for me to go to university. The teachers are so annoying, unappreciative, boring and narrow-minded. I did not demand them to be as smart as whatever is smart. enough badmouthing.
So, I invited my friends for a sleepover in my house! We can go loud and nobody would complain. Finally, there were 4 of us. Caroline, Hilda, Marini and I. Eventhough everybody is in town, it is still not easy to gather all crew of the gank. There is always something. Rena had to go to mass jogging this morning so she cannot join, Erni got something to d, we don't know what that is.. Sigh... But, that's OK! Still got Karaoke, Kakap outing on the list! They cannot miss the other ones.!
But it is fun already with 4 of us together. We gathered quite often this vacation. 2 days before, we went to Marini's house and played board games, we played the Game of LIfe, and then I teached them how to play Ninja, it was very fun, I had been talking about this game that I learned from youTube back in Singapore, but nobody seems to care enough to give a try, it was very entertaining yet exhausting. Afterwards, we played badminton. I did not play for quite a long time. Never managed to find a mate to play with at SG. I am a picky player, I suck at it so I do not reveal my badminton skill to too many people. LOL
Hilda and CP came first. We prepared my room and everything. I have this inflatable bed at home, it is quite big, 2 people can sleep on it comfortably. So we inflated it by using an electric air pump. 2 people can sleep on my bed. So, 4: perfect number.
Hilda, CP and I then watched "She's the man". Quite Hilarious. Good to build up our mood.
It is a typical Disney's teenage movie (I am talking about old Disney's, Today's Disney's are doomed). Will entertain a high school girl a lot.
Then, the three of us felt hungry. So we just went to the street by foot and hunt for food. Finally, we ate Keng Ci Kwe Tiaw. It has been a while since I eat it. It is so unhealthy. They put so many MSG in it, use much oil and soy sauce. And, it is sold in a hawker stall. Typical hawker in Indo, it is very unhygienic. But it tastes fine. And the atmosphere is so alive, very classic like in old Chinese movies.
We went to supermarket and bought snacks for ourselves. We bought old school snacks. Nyam-Nyam, Yuppi Pizza, Tini Wini Biti, Kwaci, Oreo and Milk. So, Marini finally arrived and we watched "Penelope"
Nah, this one is a girl-movie. It is cute. And I like the message behind this movie. Penelope is supposed to be an ugly-cursed girl, but she is pretty what.... What an offense to me!! LOL. Just like other fairy tales, what do we need to break the curse? All people thought it is about finding her true love and the curse shall be broken. It turns out that, all that is needed to break the curse is for her to love her the way she is. Sweet movie.
We craved the snacks. We ate kwaci like uncles. We ate the Oreo with milk. It is super delicious! Btw, I got hot glue gun at home. And I got some hairpin. I bought a set of cheap artificial flower and made a flower hairpin by myself!
I saw them selling these hairpins for S$6 in SG. Walah... I can quit school and open this new business. heheh...
Would anyone wear that thing to school?
Sangat Alay. LOL. My friends said I was like a drunken aunty with that thing on my head.
I saw them selling these hairpins for S$6 in SG. Walah... I can quit school and open this new business. heheh...
Would anyone wear that thing to school?
Sangat Alay. LOL. My friends said I was like a drunken aunty with that thing on my head.
We did not stop, we watched another movie. It is "the Lovely Bones". The child actress playing Susie Salmon there is soooo lovely, I can't take my eyes off her, hence it is Lovely Bones.
Had it been me playing her role, the movie will be "the Bones". LOL. Seriously, I could not believe she was the one who played Mayfleet in "the City of Amber". The girl is something-something Ronan.. I forgot the first name. Too lazy to google it. She is not really Woohoow. But in this movie, she is so gorgeous. That's one reason to watch this movie, but not the main one. The picture, the soundtrack are so beautiful. It was an indulgence for senses.. It got the thriller and drama in good proportion. This movie is a harmony. Must watch!
Our eyes cannot hold any longer. We stopped. We turned off the light and tried to sleep. Some old stories at school brought us to our sleep...
Next day, we watched "No Reservation".
It was just an OK movie. The guy is not out type. His face is too western. But Miss Zeta-Jones is always my favorite. I adored her appearance. She is so elegant and graceful. Other than that, nothing much.
I am listening to Ingrid Michaelson's Keep Breathing. Cute one.
They then played the Korean movie, "Baby and me"
Korean thingy. I watched it. The baby is cute. The movie, boring, typical Korean comedy. Not nice at all. HIlda slept while watching. LOL. It is ssoooo boring.
That was our last movie together. They went home.. I was left alone.. *sob*
Now I am going to watch "The Boy in the Stripped Pajamas". Alone.
It is a dark movie. Its setting is at World War II. I always like movies about WWII. And I would always go gloomy after watching them. I bet I also will this time...
And they keep talking about this movie. "My Name is Khan".
I watched the trailer and I think I will like it. Buy me, anyone?
It has been 3 days since I was home.
I ate a lot of things.. How come I do not? My parents treat me my favorite local dish. And everytime I hesitated to eat them, they would say "Just eat it, you seldom find this in SG ryt?? You are not fat, dear...". Thus, sikat...!
Everytime my friends and I go out we also hunted for local dish. Pontianak local dish includes chai kue, cha chai kue, cha ko kue, cha kway tiao, yam mi, te moe etc... They all are not healthy, they contain te iu (pig abstracted oil) and of course MSG... which is why, they are soooo tasty!
Today is Bakcang Day. We chinese have Ciak Tua Kai. My Mum did not make bakcang. She buy it from someone whom she heard made a very good one. And it is!! Sooooo delicious...!
亲爱的身体，我对你不起了。。 请原亮（credits to Kachiko for pointing out my mistake. beginner chinese! heheh) 凉我。。明天跟妈妈去游泳以后， 你应该瘦削吧！
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Yesss, I have been practising my chinese again. I go to the same private class together with my bro. He is an expert already, he learned many difficult words and he does his chinese composition every day. So, I just sit there and listen, jot down many phrases and words. But the 老师， who is an old man, is very good one. He is old yet so energetic, he can understand English too. He explains many things to us, one character can take half an hour. He would tell us how to use the phrases properly, and I always love proper language, altho am still very poor in it. So, there is this kind of Chinese fever inside our home. My mum is a big fan of Chinese language, she used to study it in college, but she forgot a lot already.. She would call us by our Chinese name, which is soooo sweet to me.. My name is 林秀凌。 My mum told me that it was chosen by considering the strokes inside the character, my birth time and many things that I cannot grasp. According to my birth time, one can see that I am an ambitious and proud person, I worked so hard and prone to stress, and I am envious. I am independent, but this is in a bad sense, so my love life is not going to be so good.. Those are my shortcomings. I do not like to admit it, but I think this is true. She told me that she went to someone who posses the ability to understand these things and that person told my mum those things.. And thus my name is 林秀凌。 秀 is for me to have more gentle attitude. 凌 is for me to have more serene life, to be protected by a reliable guy. Walah.. surely my mum watched too much K-drama...
by the way, my favorite chinese song is that one, the old Judge Bao's opening OST, it is in my list of songs that I am going to sing when I go to karaoke with my friends. hahah...
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I practiced piano in front of my mum today. And she said I played nicely. :)) hehehehhh.... She never plays, and that's why she think I play well.. LOL... But I learn piano only for fun, I like music altho not good at it. Nice to hear someone says she likes me playing.
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I am currently reading William Golding's Lord of the Flies. He was the recipient of 1983 Nobel Prize for Literature. It is quite a chim read. tough one. It was published in 1954 and was said to be "one of the most disturbing and celebrated novels of modern times." The novel is about a survival of a group of schoolboy on a desert island. It represents the fragility of man's enterprises. Ironically, I found out about this book from a sit-com TV show "Two and a half men", it was in one episode when Alan, forced Jake, his son, to read this book. I thought this would be a funny one.. It turns out tht it is not, and I am even more interested to read it, with a dictionary for the best. hehehe...
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I almost never contacted my old friends during school time. As I remembered, I was too busy, everyone is too busy to find a time to conference in MSN. This holiday, our period synchronized. PW, CP, tOMAt, Erni, Rena are now at Ponti.. We are still waiting for Oli and Nunu... I chatted with them a lot. And I treasure them. Nowhere else in the world I would have such friends. We are soooo happy together, we laughed a lot and aloud! They know me, with all my flaws and imperfections, and they never complain. Although keep encouraging me to be a better person, they are always warm and caring. At this point, I feel sick thinking of going back to NUS. I have been living a solitude life there. I have always been like that. The difference is, my friends here approach me. While, there... everybody just say "well.. shame on you...".
OK, I agree, my friends spoil me too much.
OK, I agree, my friends spoil me too much.
Tomorrow we will be watching Karate Kid in cinema. Yay!
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And lastly,
No, I do not miss either Singapore, my room at PGP, NUS, not a thing there...
-downtown girl.
When I am emo, and I am frequently, I listen to songs..
I am either a romantic or sentimental kind of person. When I am emo, I am the latest one. And inside me, is the soul of poet, although I do not possess a great ability in expressing myself beautifully in words, but I believe in the power of words, and have always been finding comfort by expressing things through written words.
I have a playlist in my iTunes called "My Compilation for broken heart moment". I like songs with good music, compact, not too light and not too catchy.. and above all, I like songs with powerful lyric.
These songs are my perfect companion during heart-breaking moments... They pull me deeper, to my most fragile point, then let me shed my tear there... then I am a brand new happier person. :))
here are some of my most favorite ones: (not necessarily in most-least favorable order)
- Boston by Augustana
- Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
- Cold Water by Damien Rice
- 9 Crimes by Damien Rice
- Misguided Ghost by Paramore
- Warning Sign by Coldplay
- Why does it always rain on me by Travis
- Learn you inside out by Lifehouse
- Pills by Sarah Maclachlan feat. the Perishers
- Something in me was dying by Keane
- Heaven Forbid by the Fray
- Too much love will kill you by Queen
- Nara by ES Postheomus
- Soldier of fortune by Deep Purple
- Rainy Days and Mondays by the Carpenters
- Yesterday Once More by the Carpenters
and many more... It turns out that there are a lot of good emo music out there... Too bad, I am not musically inclined enough to compose a song everytime I am sad. If I am, I would have had more than 10 albums with lots lots of hidden tracks by now. Hahaha...
And no, I am not emo now.. These songs are good even in good times, but more powerful during emo times. MY suggestion, try avoiding these pieces when working on physics problem, side effect ranges from temporary and/or permanent emo, low self esteem, lost of identity and motivation up to suicidal tendencies..
LOL
German tackled Australia by 4-0, as expected for my favorite team in previous 2006 World Cup. And Prince Poldi scored a goal. Khukhukhukhu~
My mum's been watching Korean drama series. It is very boring, just like other K-dramas I know; porcelain-faced girl fell in love with a guy whose face is more beautiful than mine but the guy is already with other porcelain-faced girl although actually this guy somehow love the first girl. Then they go to lux restaurant for dinner and somebody gets emo, then cry, then a heroic guy came... They go to work with and dress very fancily. Walah... Is it a spell that keep my mum watching that serial? Yah, it is very eye-candy. Everyone looks pretty and handsome.. But, it is boring.. And I don't like the girls, they are prettier than me.
LOL
But I do think people with good-looking appearance are the luckiest ones. They got nice first impression. Wise ones said that you are not supposed to judge a book from its cover. True enough, thanks to talented cover designer, I was fooled by poor book's cover. But I know many good books that come up with nice cover. Aren't they perfect? So are those nice girls with pretty faces.
Some are just unlucky enough to win the good-looking gene in the gene lottery. These girls can try very hard; they put make up on, wear assorted accessories, buy fancy clothes and etc. But it does not help much.. They can never win those lucky ones.
I know a friend, A. She is so pretty and appealing. She is always beautiful without even trying. Even without any touch of make up and with fishmonger's costume, she is still flawless. And she does not care too much about her appearance. For this, she is everyone's endearment. She arouses envy towards any girls, but it is so hard to really dislike her. She is beautiful inside out. But it is also hard to really love her except you are a lesbian. How it is not... Everytime you meet people when you are hanging out with her, you are suddenly the not-that-anyone-cares girl. So, in the sense of K-drama, you are just some figurant who happens to be friend with the main cast. When people meet you on the street they would ask : "Hey, do you know how is A doing? Where is she now? ". In the sense of High School Musical, you are that one who dance in the back rows. Eventhough you are in the movie, people never notice you because you are always covered with Vanessa's long beautiful hair. LOL
Another friend, B. She is a nice girl but not the good-looking one. She tries very hard, and she does it. But she can never beat A whom is effortless.
What if we switch A and B's packaging? Will they still be the same person? Will they still have the same attitude about how they look? It could be that A can care less because she WAS born pretty. Will she be miserable if she is in B's position? Maybe A just act like she does not care, and she does not need to care, because the nature works everything out for her.. See..? I am making B our figurant now. We do not mention her a lot. LOL
The more I am growing up, the more I realized how key it is for a girl to look good. What an advantage to have the good looks. People judge. What rules their judgements? Media. "She is pretty, ahh that one is lame.." I heard that a lot. I am not comfortable with those. Because I know that when I am not around I would be included into the latest category. Some guys are just soulless. They just say it in front of my face : "Brig, you are not that pretty..". I know it is just a joke, we laughed afterwards. But I know they mean it. hahah...
I am not those who cares too much. I like the way I am. It is just like some people treasure apples more than oranges. But it does make me think. If I can choose my appearance before I was born, if there is nothing wrong in doing so, I would love to have Song Hye-kyo's on me. But I just cannot. If I could, would it mean that I do not love myself? Does a soul come with physical appearance? I don't know. But the world that we are living now seems to give me a hint that it does. Is it fair? No, if I am to see things from the eyes of the world.
So, who is to blame?
No one is to blame for this, neither is God. Neither are those who judge, they may not know how it feels, to be accused of something that is totally out of one's control. Or they are just too trapped inside their narrow definition of beautiful. Neither are media. People can say everything, but it is always up to yourself to choose the right path.
Speaking about the definition of beautiful... I was stucked there. What is it? No such thing as certainty, even in physics. XD
If you can depend on the certainty, count it up and weigh it up again
Will you ever feel you are beautiful even when you feel you have reached an end?
If only we can just ignore what we've become.. hahah...
From the hands of our artful Creator, we are all his masterpiece.
You are beautiful.
More than 1/3 vacation has gone. I still have time. Let's not waste it.
Start Organizing.*
Open with prayer. * Get the inspiration.
Build the motivation.*
Turn on the music.
Do the works.*
Bored?? Go to the fridge, just don't turn on TV.
Continue working, now biting and working.. :D
Close with prayer.*
*) credits to (L)Justhalf
I managed to wake up at 630 am. I rushed to the toilet and tried to do my morning routine as fast as possible. I walked down the hallway with my head buzzing, I felt so dizzy due to lack of sleep. In fact, I slept for only 2 hours. Credits to Kachiko, he promised to give a wake up call. He never did. Geeeee Kachiko!!! No, it s not his fault... hhaha
and in addition, lack of sleep gave growth to my recent pimple. When I woke up, it was swelling and purplish... It s like I am putting a purple ruby stone there... gross
*Music playing : Haven't met you yet by Michael Buble*--> woow, his voice is damn sexy here!
I had quick breakfast with my beloved Koko Crunch Duo. Chump.. chump.. Byebye my room, the mess and the brand new aircon... see you in 1 month time.. Mummy will be back... I shed my tear and walk away...
No, no tears.. I am not that drama...
and drag my backpack and wait for the bus. It was sooooo looonggg!
As time went by, I went dizzy and my pimple swells even more, it is now filled with oily liquid inside. Yikes,... I couldnt stand the desire to deflate it. It was 930am when I reached the airport and the plane will be taking off t 1035am. I havent bought the ticket yet so I ran to the ticketing office, and as expected for low flight, they still had spaces and I could get the ticket 45 MINS BEFORE TAKING OFF.
When I got to the immigration gate, the security officer asked for my passport and asked where I was going, and I told him.. Pontianak. In Malay speaking countries, Pontianak is a synonym of Kuntilanak, a female ghost which is known for her unpleasant high frequency laugh and a hole in her body and long hair to hide it. He bursted. I knew what he s been thinking. Huh... embarrasement. T_T
As we all know, the air pressure in the airplane is increased.. so the air was pressing my pimple.. And as the result, it was swollen to its maximum radii and it was stuffed with yellowish liquid inside.. WOow, by then i was like having a jade stone on my face.. walah...
But who cares?? Now I am at home already!
Pontianak does not change a bit. It is still the same small town. Haha...
My mother cooked steamed chicken with turmeric and some herbs and it is sooooo delicious! This is what we are supposed to call chicken, the meat is soft and it has the taste of chicken and not too oily, that ones in Singapore are too oily and too big and they taste like cooking oil...
So here I am at home.. Enjoying wi-fi, world cup, air con and free flow of food and beverages from the fridge. I can forget all my trouble and I am so happy at home.
I thought I will be sleeping in my own bedroom; which is very comfortable; unlike PGP room, it got decent aircon, nice space, perfect bed for slumber, TV... I miss my bedroom!!! I noticed that my mum changed the bedsheet, it is now white with red flower pattern on it, so sweet and calming... :)) I am really grateful for that. But it turns out that my mum and dad had another plan. Together, we move the portable bed to the master bedroom and put it there. So My brother and I sleep together with my mum and dad in their bedroom. Reminds me of my childhood time. It is like a camping now.. hahah....
I told them "I cannot do this, I am a grown up and I will be sleeping in my bedroom. ". But I just cannot. I thought I am a grown up.. I am one. But I will always be my mum's and dad's little girl
My sister is having her exam tomo. So she is not home yet. Until then we are still incomplete..
Aaaaahhhh.. I am afraid by 6 July I have no guts to leave home.. It happened. Last semester when the time came for me to go back to Sg, I found it was so hard for me. I wept and even thought of quitting school. *here come our drama queen* I said to my mum : " PleasePleasePlease I dont want to leave, I ll be good,... "
I loooovvveeee home
Home is goooood!
More boasting coming soon
hehehe....
Some regrets..
Why didn't I allocate some time to make effort for the essay for Tembusu? They got admitted. I didn't even try.
Why did I say such an annoying things to him? He is not to blame for that. I am annoying.
Why didn't I pick up my parents' call just now? I thought they will just call me online. They didn't.
Why did I ruin my own schedule? I made it right at the beginning. I just blow it off.
Why didn't I try to start studying for next semester? I know it would help a lot. I am too lazy.
Why didn't I try harder last semester? I could do much better than this. I did not focus.
Why did I pull myself away? I accused people for my discomfort; I didn't fit in there, I didn't like them.. etc. I am just afraid of rejection, abandonment, being compared between..
Why did I keep looking up to somebody else's life? I envied others for things I couldn't own. A greedy soul is mine.
occupies my mind..
Why don't I help myself and fix them?
I am tired of being a failure. I know my problems.. In fact, spent too much time thinking about them.. haha.. so lame.. I think I need the right atmosphere to evolve. WIthout anyone here, all I can be is emo.. I need my family, my old friends, my other half to embrace me, or to drag me.... I yearn so much for the warmth of love. This, I can hardly get in Sg.
Yeah..
The truth is, I miss you so..
I'm decaying in Sg, I need to go home and let them put the pieces back, wipe my tears away, embrace me and believe in me.
I used to believe that I am so great, that I am, hence I am.
Now I see, how frail is this flesh, how fragile is the heart.. and I need somebody to save me.
*save yourself, fraud!*
Be who you want to be,
Be who you are..
...
When you wanna give up
and your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect
God makes no mistake
Welcome to wherever you are - Bon Jovi
This vacation... I'd waited for 4 month during the 2nd semester.. I think of things that I long to do.
I even made list. I want to go swimming and jogging regularly, practice piano intensively, explore Singapore, organize things inside my Mac, prepare for next sem, I want to spend time with my bf, I want to buy goods at great price during SGG for my family, try many recipes, practice painting, organize my bedroom in PGP, read a novel, know more about my faith...
See... things went pretty well at the beginning... the first 3 weeks, I managed to do well.. I went swimming and jogging, I went to help friends for their service project, I borrowed some good books, practice piano daily, got some apparels for myself at good price... but I end up posting a body with such a remorseful title..
Since I received my result for 2nd semester, I become so discouraged.. No friends, no boyfriend, no parents, no brother, no sister... I remembered myself running only halfway along the track that day... Too troubled even to breathe, I just lay down on the grass... watching the orange and quiet sky... The clouds moved steadily, just as time went by. My mind replays my rise and fall throughout this life... I used to be a girl with a bunch of motivation, inspiration, determination... where is she now?
shame
disappointment
failure
down
broken
bored
cowardice
lies
pretense
there.. she hides herself beneath those walls.
I tried to step ahead, but I ran back. I lost hope to myself, I can no longer trust myself. So afraid..
All my friends are moving forward and I am still jailing myself.
I am tired of myself, and I won't be questioning anything if you too are tired of me.
thus it is random
So, I have made some changes here, not much... this blog has been vacuum for quite some time and I abused it in my latest posts... It gives me bad feeling everytime I read those posts, so I deleted it.
What's new in my life??
*and YES, I like to answer my own question! so here we go...*
1. SHARP Ion PlasmaCluster Portable AirCon
I got it for S$250 yesterday from Winong, a graduating senior who is moving out. I was soooooo happy! It chills my room pretty well.. Except for the water dripping out... I was quite troubled by that yesterday.. But WHO CARES!?? My room is now cooler than outside! Woohooow!!!
2. Semester 2 officially ends
I am so absolutely completely totally and so utterly screwed this semester.. It was tough, it made me think a lot, kept me thinking yet not doing anything. I thought of what is it that I really want to do in my life, I thought if it is okay to do something that I do not like--> what I like : laughing, playing with water, watching movies, dreaming -->hopeless type one.. I was ashamed of myself, being not sincere in my study, act smart but I am not at all.. my pride lah.. ck... so complicated. ah.. it makes me feel bad.. ruin my mood. cih..
I should be more thankful. In spite of all the mess I created, all whining this and that and doing nothing about it,, I still can survive this sem, with not a bad result..
and the fact I just couldn't makes me feel sooooo bad...
3. suddenly feel too lazy to post things up--> nah this one is very new... ahaha
so off we go
When you are supposed to video call your mum, then the ethernet goes wrong, you blog
Posted on
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
This love
This love is a strange love
A faded kind of day love
This love..
This love
I think I'm gonna fall again
And even when you held my hand
It didn't mean a thing
This love..
This love
Never has to say love
Doesn't know it is love
This love..
This love
Doesn't have to say love
Doesn't need to be love
Doesn't mean a thing
This love..