a very lonely and sad human.. too broken to pray, too ashamed even just to look at Him..
February 2010
Literally, I fell quite a number of times this week. The first time, is on our way to OG outing, on the steps at PGP. I fell down and bruised my two legs. The second time, on the steps at MPSH, bruised my palm and legs. The latest one was on the street. I did not notice the small step on my way and thanks to gravity, I kissed the ground. Nothing hurt, only another bruise on my leg.
Ok, 'quite a number' is too much. (Thankfully) The falling happened only three times this week.
The sensation when you are about to fall.. As hard as I can remember, it was so scary. I think my heart was stop beating at the moment. When you hit the ground, it hurts. People look at me; some gave a glimpse of smile (maybe I look funny when I fall?), some just ignored me. I do not know what it was in their mind. But inside my head, I can feel the embarrassment. But it was just a while. I can then smile in relief: "Hey, I am okay! It does not hurt that much!". Then I move on, more carefully, not to repeat the same mistake again.
Wait, there is another fall. This one... got my heart bruised (-->how? o.0)
My relationship ended. It has been quite some time since we (finally) had our (real) breakup. This make me think a lot.
Ok, 'quite a number' is too much. (Thankfully) The falling happened only three times this week.
The sensation when you are about to fall.. As hard as I can remember, it was so scary. I think my heart was stop beating at the moment. When you hit the ground, it hurts. People look at me; some gave a glimpse of smile (maybe I look funny when I fall?), some just ignored me. I do not know what it was in their mind. But inside my head, I can feel the embarrassment. But it was just a while. I can then smile in relief: "Hey, I am okay! It does not hurt that much!". Then I move on, more carefully, not to repeat the same mistake again.
Wait, there is another fall. This one... got my heart bruised (-->how? o.0)
My relationship ended. It has been quite some time since we (finally) had our (real) breakup. This make me think a lot.
Why breaks up?
There was no problem. Not any scene. I just feel that there is no point continuing that thing we claim as "love". I had been questioning on our relationship. Was it love, or was it infatuation? Somebody liked me, and I got carried away. Then we went to see each other. But had I really loved?
Up till the post is being typed, I believed that my vocation is marriage. My mind keeps asking me : Did our relationship make each of us a better Christian? Have we grown in love with Christ? NOs for those. But I was like blindfolding myself. When I brought this thing up to people, they would laugh, said I was bluffing, but I seriously concern about that. I dream of having a strong and loving Christian family. I just cannot see that we were heading that way. I realized from the very beginning, that we were two very different souls; personality-wise, interest-wise, spirituality-wise and in many things that we value. It is not that I do not value him as fellow masterpiece of God. Well, I don't knowif I do. But I stressed out, shed tears and I remembered being so alone. Difference always exists everytime two individuals interact. That, I understand. But different pieces must fit to each other had they belong to each other...
I was asked to wait for him to change. But I was in pain, I was in vain. And it does make me feel bad to see so many "I" words in the body. Selfish, isn't it? I was not happy, I did not feel close to Him. And for that, I cannot continue.
Like other falls, it was so scary at first. But once I hit it, I am now so much relieved. There is a fear to try again. I felt so discouraged for being a failure, in this case, for this case. -.-' But, I keep moving on, my senses awake and I now could see the holes and traps that could have stumbled me had I been not aware . Ya, God has given me yet another invaluable asset for my journey.
Like other falls, it was so scary at first. But once I hit it, I am now so much relieved. There is a fear to try again. I felt so discouraged for being a failure, in this case, for this case. -.-' But, I keep moving on, my senses awake and I now could see the holes and traps that could have stumbled me had I been not aware . Ya, God has given me yet another invaluable asset for my journey.
...
as my soul heals the pain
I will grow through this pain
Lord I am doing all I can
to be a better man
...
Happy
by Leona Lewis
[Verse 1:]
Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't you take chances
Might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be
[Chorus:]
So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah
[Verse 2:]
Holding on tightly
Just can't let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear, ohh
But all these days, they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me out of here
I can't stand by your side, ohh no
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by
[Chorus:]
So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh
[Bridge:]
So any turns that I can't see,
like I'm a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything
[Chorus:]
So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
[Outro:]
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy
I just wanna be, ohh
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, happy
Today, I continue studying MA1506, ODEs.. I had been reviewing all the time and I found myself was still illiterate about the concepts.. Seems like what I did was just swallowing all my lecturers write down. I dont like that. That can do for tests.. but once course is over I will end up screwed.. I have no choice, I need to understand this. Altho, this really slows me down.
Yesterday I bought a lot of fruit from FairPrice. I bought 1 box of strawberry, 1 box of Kiwi (promo: 4 for 1.95s$!!!), oranges and apples... I like them, esp the kiwi.. they are so lovely. It is green and seedy inside., Taste so good. Even the seeds, I like chewing them ^^
So, I made this a bowl of milk+cookie crisp cereal+strawberries+kiwi... >.< sooooooo delicious!!!!!
Another good song, not new one, it is quite old alr, circa 2000s it is Boston by Augustana
"Boston"
In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...
You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,
Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...
You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,
She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,
Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.
Week 5 : Screwed, Stressed, Slacked, Lost.. Can't even write a body for this post
Posted on
Thursday, February 11, 2010
I did. I started to learn piano today, it is my unfulfilled passion. I believe it is never too late to start learning. And I believe that eventho I suck at it now, it is not that there is no hope, everybody starts from zero mah..
I also want to improve my skill in swimming, freestyle in particular. I practiced today. Hope I can keep up.
When I was in water, I did a lot of thinking. This time, it is about destiny. I know a lot of ppl who is capable of many things. I have a friend who plays piano very well, who can swim very good.. And I know that they had trained since they were young. I ever blamed my parents because they do not know what is good for us other than studying. But it is not their fault, they don't know mah.. About piano, I used to have piano lesson when I was in elementary school, but they did not buy me a piano so I practiced once a week only in my teacher's house. I did ask God, why I cannot have something that other people have?
My mom, she often told me that she used to want to be a doctor but because my grandparents were poor, she couldnt go to school and only become a nurse. She blamed her parents all the time. And I realized, that was what I was doing too. Then I turned away. I do not want to be like that. Our life is not destined. God gives us free will. People may say it is too late to start now, but I will not give up. I will not blame anybody, it is I who is responsible for my own life. I am gonna live my life as if I were dying...
But anyway, if I were dying, I would not spend the rest of my life studying and doing mathematics and physics or programming problems... Ironic, huh...
today I slacked
just doing Mastering Physics
didnt attend the Holy Mass
I did not attend CS lecture for the second time, tomo got lab and still dont know anything yet
I feel soooooooooooooo bad
ugh
ugh
ugh
ugh
feel so much not alive, seems like I start to miss the pace (again)
postpone so many things that I can do at the moment
hate this