2010

The road of university life become more hostile toward myself.

I think last semester has given me enough glimpse of how vicious level 2 modules can be.

It is still level 2, LOL...

Maybe I am stupid.

Ya, the thought haunts me many times this semester. Even tops my list of of "suicidal impulses".

Wait, maybe it is the thought. Maybe my resentment towards that thought hinders me from doing well. Maybe I am not THAT stupid.

Or, maybe it is those tons of CCAs activities that I took last semester; NUSChoir, NUANSA, Physics Society.

I have one more; NUS Legion of Mary. But I enjoy myself there.

Really, though with so many people you see and meet during those activities, with noises so loud and the sun shining bright, you feel alone, you hear nothing, and you see nothing at all.

I met a lot of people; grown up people; who probably see everything merely through what it seems. I faced the real life version of kiasu-ness, bossy-ness, so-called professionalism... 1 minute with these kind of people is enough to make you realize how cold and bitter reality is.

I also met people who seems to be way too perfect; with attribute like that of heroic protagonist in a drama, high class life style, smart and creative; all packaged in a good looking shell.

I envy them.

But I am helpless.

Then, I would blame.

Ah, I am so not contented with my life.

...

...

But I would hate myself even more if I keep letting myself down like this.

I will do better next year.

I plan to go for exchange, get rid of Singapore, and travel far. Let go off the blindfold that has been covering my eyes all this time. Yale, Japan, Canada, New Zealand.

There is no easy way. I will have to do a lot of things, be prepared of rejections and push myself against my own weaknesses.

But maybe I could go for exchange, and be insighted, be inspired.

I will do what it takes to reach my dream to be technology enterpreneur. So far, I am still narrowing my option to energy and resource technology.

Ah, if there is one good thing from 2010, that would be me finding one direction to go. It feels so doomed, to wander around without any goal to aim. Research in physics has already been out of my list. I am very assured of this. Number 1 is because there is no motivation, number 2 is I don't even like being with Physics people. Most of them are irritating :( and self-absorped.

I will work, hopefully I can get internship during semester 2 vacation. I will try to find a way to technology companies, recycling companies in Singapore.

I am fully aware of how hard this could be. I am an absent minded and childish girl. But I am willing to change and learn to be a good career person. Yosh! Yosh!

I am taking Japanese module this semester, and looking forward to better my Chinese.

I will swim regularly and join aerobic class in NUS, also bring my brother along for swimming! :)) I want to be fit and healthy!


For my love life.... who doesn't want to have someone to love and care for you? Maybe not.. I am still very pessimistic and skeptical about myself being able to find someone humble enough to take me as I am. And yet too picky to accept available chance.

Who am I try to fool? I won't say I love myself as I am. I hate seeing my own self (witness how one could be doomed in genetic lottery), I am selfish and childish, and I hate myself that way.

I see, and maybe you see it too... How could one be happy if she is even unhappy with herself?

I will try to work this out too... Read self-improvement books (Yeah right) , get a plastic surgery (LOL), meet more people...

Maybe somehow I could befriend with myself.

There is nobody to impress; I need to show myself that I can live my life.

Maybe next year...

I could be happy :)

Maybe next year...

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Friday, December 31, 2010

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries.

---

No songs could describe my nagging adolescent angst any better than this. Ah, youth... With so many explosive dendrite growth inside the brain, not to mention, bombarded by stimulation of physical, emotional, and social change, every youth struggles with planning, reasoning, and making decisions. Sometimes I think my stimulations are way too volatile, that when everyone has found their way to move on, I keep myself being stranded on the ground.

It is a matter of attitude. Anything can be said and done, it is yourself who decide what's good or bad. And that is why people say "Attitude makes up altitude". I haven't got that attitude, yet. I am still living life as naive as can be; playing on the safe side, blaming others when things get wrong; and thus here I am, deep down in the dark abyss.

Don't get me wrong. I really don't like myself that way. I want to be happy, I just have not yet figured out how; sometimes even convinced that I would probably never be... --> Bad thoughts, I think they are my best companion. When everyone seems not to give a damn of my life, when I am most alone, they are always there with me. But they will only lead me to their vicious cycle.

Anyway, I changed my blog layout. I am sick of pretending to have bright colors to display my life. I want to hide from this bitter world; of its labeling this and that, of its demanding this and that, of its judging who and what, of its unfairly destined lottery of life... For this moment, I'd rather hide, and thus, black ftw. :)

I am a rock

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Thursday, December 30, 2010

I once thought of going there, wondering if they could help me with my woes.


Psychiatrist : (Hypnotherapy-ing) ...Now I want you to open your hard drive. Click on your application folder. Do you see a folder marked "Suicidal Impulses"? I want you to drag that to the trash.

Well, I wish...

Psychiatry, Hypnotherapy

This semester has been a complete disaster for me. I wept, got stressed and alone so many times. I suspected myself to suffer from depression. I cannot concentrate on school, CCA, my faith and friendship. I am not happy with anything, am not contented with myself, with people around me, with my environment, yet, I can't figure out how I want them to be.

Someone like me, might be too much of drama, or soaps, naive... But it just happened and I lost control of my mood, my emotion and everything. Exasperate and desperate as can be, I never thought I would ever live this way. By desperate I mean I could think of committing suicide, of anyway to put an end to my life and if I may, I would just restart it. God won't like it, Mum won't like it, she keeps saying that suicide is a cowardly action. But, if I can make my defense, I am not trying to run away, because I lost sight of where else to run, I just think that I do not deserve to live. But I am afraid of the pain, yeah, maybe I am a coward, I don't even dare to face the pain of suicide.

There is this crazy lady in my head, she keeps accusing me of my failures at school, she keeps telling me that nobody could even like me because I am ugly inside out, she keeps whispering to my head how unfortunate everything is to me, how I could have been better, if only I were him or her, of only I had him or her... I can not stop her. She is corrupting my brain and my soul, she is tearing me to pieces.

I think of school, how I have failed to educate myself, to take chances, to figure out where I belong
I think of my mum, how I have let her down, how I fear that I could never make her happy
I think of my siblings, how I have failed to be a good and dependable sister
I think of my friends, so few come to mind
I think of my life, I can't seem to connect the dots of my past, the future, if I may have one, is bleak and gray

I am scared.
I am scared of life to death.

What's the feeling?

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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

You only live once, people say.

Mine, is wasted then..

Because I see nothing;

nothing to dream on, nothing to fight for

and I worth nothing,

nothing to love, nothing to live for.

I am nothing but idleness and doubts.

Then, why should I live?

I am feeling like pressing the off button.

I just don't think I would ever be happy, and I am tired.

Being pessimistic, but realistic

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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I won't delete those emo posts...


Mama, I will ganbatte for you!!!! You are my hero

Yosh!

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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

No, I'm not saying that Physics is the hardest, the toughest subjects one can study

I don't like the idea comparing subjects, every field has its own challenge
one should not underestimate anything

Yet, the hardest things are...
to do something you do not love
to be someone you are not
to keep running here and there aimlessly

I don't blame the world,
the blame is on myself

It's difficult

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Sunday, October 24, 2010

Every life has to grow
Everyone comes to a stage where they have to see the world for themselves
Is it my turn now?
It does not feel the way I thought it would
Is it my broken heart,
or is it my twisted mind?
I lost myself in the middle of people and stuffs

This world is just too big and I am too small
Reality, it is too bitter, it disheartens...
Reality, it is no friend of mine

My consoler, where have you gone?
Days feel like Mournday, Tues-die, Wept-ns-die, THUS, die, Frightday, Sad-turday
...

I fear life to my death
feels like quitting, but I dare not
can I just fly far?
I'd like to fly far, far far away from here

One thing about growing up: it never feels the way I thought it would

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Saturday, October 23, 2010

I don't like myself. Has anybody felt this way, the feeling of being the one who is fated to be lost in so-called genotype and phenotype lottery? Who am I trying to fool, act like a happy and grateful soul, amidst the blows expelled by life? I am no good. I am not okay.


Who am I trying to fool, when I look to the mirror and say "I love just the way I am." I might have to swallow the fact that I cannot posses those good-looking genes, height genes... Well, people say gene does not make a man. Too bad, I am just ugly inside out.

I am a retard who is trying to do physics,
an inarticulate mind who is trying to write,
a tone-deaf person who wants to do music,
a wicked soul who is trying to save other souls,
an unfunny and lonely clown

Too much flaws to bear. It is like an itch that you can not scratch.

and I cannot persevere.
I cannot think of any consolation.

Invalid

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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Either here or there


Nothing seems to fit

Raindrops keep falling on my head...

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Saturday, October 16, 2010

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.


Nor do I really know myself,

and the fact that I think I am following your will

does not mean that I am actually doing so.


But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you

and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.

And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road

although I may know nothing about it.


Therefore will I trust you always

though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death,

I will not fear, for you are ever with me

and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.


(by Thomas Merton)

The road ahead

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Thursday, September 30, 2010

But I know what love is
-Forrest Gump 


I am not a smart man

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Sunday, September 19, 2010

It has been 19years+9months (I was an embryo too :) )

I am thankful for the people around me, those far away as well, I could not express how this soul appreciates those blessings, and greetings from her friends.

Thanks for the cakes, thanks for the birthday songs, thanks for your presence.

Thanks for the Legion Seminar, it was a rescue, just in time! Got lightened up and inspired. Am ready to start over.

Thanks for the companion of legionary friends. Let's keep fighting our battle!

Thanks brother Dom for giving the precious handbook as my birthday gift.

The best gift, is the grace of Divine Mercy.
I was made broken by sins, baffled by so many things and ashamed to come back. Like the prodigal son, I was out on my own and exasperatingly tried to find my way back home.
But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.... (Luke 15:20)
Father put emphasis on the word 'ran' in his homily at Sunset Mass today. I had been the prodigal son (many times I was also the envious elder brother). But He runs and brings me back home. What a crazy love..

---

I often tempted to ask why God lets sorrows happen to us. So true, amidst the difficulties and disappointments of life, His mercy eliminates no troubles, the cross is still there to be carried. But it does give our life a perspective. Hardships are there for our soul to grow in love for Christ and others. That way, one's heart can ultimately be contented, rejoiced.

Once again, God makes no mistake.

---


I wish I could step out of my baby crib and get rid of my 'baby faith'. 

I wish I could do better in life for the sake of being an ambassador of Christ


I wish I could hang on, be stronger, not to forsake such great forgiveness the Lord has given.

please pray for me

---

Thank you people

Deo Gratias

God is good.

I'll be good :)

Gratias

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Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sure on this shining night
Of starmade shadows round, 
Kindness must watch for me
This side the ground

The late years lies down the north.
All is healed, all is health.
High summer holds the earth.
Hearts all whole.

Sure on this shining night 
I weep for wonder 
Wand'ring far alone
Of shadows on the stars

-James Agee 

Sure on This Shining Night

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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

towards the loneliness

Negative Divergence

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Friday, September 3, 2010

Words have been screaming to be poured out.

I want to blog

BUT

Papers are waiting to be done.

I better not overloading my to-do list.

Till next time, blog ;)

desir

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Sunday, August 29, 2010

Went for NUSChoir late audition this afternoon. Said they had raised their standard for late auditions, to be fair. I was just giving myself a chance. I was very shaky. I prayed to God, if I cannot make it, let it be. Thought I missed the chance again.

"Congratulation! You're in! Do come to our practice this 630pm at CFA." Valentino told me on the phone.

YAY

Y        A         Y

Y                  A              Y

As expected from NUSChoir, they sang beautifully.

www.nuschoir.org said it all

But 2 practices a week, each 3 hours.. It could feel like I am taking 7 modules now. @_@ 


Unexpected Monday Afternoon

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Monday, August 23, 2010

Time flies, so fast. People come and people go. To-do list is kept being refreshed again and again. Amidst the sorrowful vicissitudes of life, one cannot help but asking 'What if'-s, 'Will it be'-s, 'How should I'-s... etc. 

I am constantly worry about my life; my study, my relationship with others, fear of failures, fear of rejections, fear of neglects, disappointments...  and about many little things not to be mentioned publicly.  Christ told us not to worry about tomorrow. But for the rest of us, there are not enough hours in a day to worry about all that is wrong. We may not have enough humility and sincerity to surrender our whole life to the will of God. The feel of insecurity to get out of zone of self-indulgence. Inevitable it may be, but we have an anti-worry antidote; it is Good Friday. I find it helps a lot to spend quality time daily, reflecting on the Passion of the Lord. 
He has made himself so vulnerable. His vulnerability is our shield against vulnerability. Naturally speaking, the worst thing that can happen to us here is that we die. But by his death, our death becomes a birth. He is shoulder to shoulder with us in our human journey. I suggest that you look at a crucifix (before the Blessed Sacrament if possible) and reflect on his agony in the garden—which was really the agony in his mind. Anxiety is a mind thing. He suffered it to the point of sweating blood. He is with you in this and he can put your mind to rest. Then reflect on and thank him for enduring the betrayal by Judas, the denials by Peter, and the abandonment by the apostles. Thank him for enduring the arrest and the cruelty of the guards and members of the Sanhedrin. Thank him for enduring the endless interrogations and that long night. Thank him for enduring the brutal scourging which robbed him of blood and strength and left him with a pounding headache that remained with him until death. Thank him for enduring the mockery and crown of thorns that caused such pain—and the rejection at the praetorium. Thank him for carrying the cross which caused such extreme shoulder pain—and for falling onto the filthy stone streets with the cross on top of him—and getting up each time. Thank him for receiving the nails into his hands and feet. Thank him for struggling to push down on his nailed feet to raise his body in order to fill his lungs with air as he hung on the cross once it was raised into place. Thank him for enduring such agony for three hours until his strength gave out in that eternal moment when he gave up his spirit and died—giving us his life. This whole ordeal, but especially his time on the cross (where he couldn’t even scratch his nose) was a lesson on releasing control and submitting to the Father. Such awareness puts our lives into perspective. 





He has conquered the death so we too can defeat the evils. Keep this in mind, whatever you do, how unfavorable it may be, how difficult it may seem, how in vain you think you are... Jesus has gone through it all. 


credits to Fr Vincent Serpa

An anti-worry antidote

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Sunday, August 22, 2010



Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved 

Uplifted!

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Friday, August 20, 2010

I have been thinking of quitting my piano lesson this week. I have stopped practicing for 1 month by now. Last Sunday, I gave myself a try at PGP Music Room. I had a hard time trying to read the music sheet. I have not been used to it again. My fingers are stiff. This one, has been like that since I first start playing, but it got worse. 

I was so troubled. I kept thinking of how hard it was for me to find a piano to practice daily. I couldn't afford one. I had to go to my church community centre at Pasir Panjang Road every day. This semester, I took 6 modules, and all of them are hard ones. I need to concentrate on my study, I don't think I can allocate conducive regular practice hour with tons of readings, assignments, quizzes... not to mention CCA commitments... 

After 3 months of learning piano, I feel that I do not accomplish much progress. Cannot blame my teacher, Rudy IS very good at playing and teaching. I was confused, is it because I started too late? I started learning at 18 years old. My friends, they started since they were little. I never gave this fact a damn. As long as I have the willing to learn then it should be OK. Until one day someone gave a different view  : "Don't you think it is ineffective to start learning at this age? ". Since then I started to doubt my decision in learning piano. 

I am not good at it. I suck at it. One discouragement after another... 

How unfair... Some friends are lucky to start learning from young age. They got piano at home. 

It was too much. I love piano. But maybe some things are not for me. Sometimes, being humble means to let things go. 

"That's it..." I gave up.

I talked to my mum on the phone and told her about my decision. It was so emotional. I felt an immense hatred to myself. It is like I was giving up for the second time. 


***

NUS Piano Ensemble is opening vacancy for non performing member on this friday. I thought I had let go. I just could not stop thinking about it.


Just tonight, I randomly opened this post at Yahoo! website. 'Armless pianist defies odds in talent show'. I thought he was "another" talented guy who has been practicing since 2 or 3 years old, "only that" he was born without arms. 


Turns out that....

No, he is not, at all! This gentleman, Liu Wei, is a 23 year old Beijing citizen. He lost his arms when he was 10. He was playing hide and seek when he touched the electric cables that costed him his arms. He started learning piano at 19! Using merely his 2 feet. Please please watch his video below. He was performing Richard Clayderman's Mariage D'amour for China's got Talent Show. 

It was a powerful performance. I was left speechless, tearful. I felt so thankful for him. 


***
I must not give up. Humbleness, that is all that I need to keep persevering. Maybe I got no talent, maybe I am not good in anything. But don't stop. Don't give up. Nobody says it is easy. Everybody must have gone through a lot of hardship before they excel. Maybe I cannot do well this time, but who knows what happen 10 or 20 years later? As long as you remain steadfast, as long as you keep trying over and over your failures, tell me what mountain you can't climb...
Some people are gifted. What seems to you a mountain  could only be their ditch. One thing you have to hold firm: God does not call us to succeed, He calls us to give our best effort. Don't lose faith. Nothing is done in vain. So never, never give up.
This also apply to my failed Physics quiz today. Tomorrow must go to NUSPE registration! Must study better also! Everyone must do better! 
Rubbish note : Another thing I need is vitamin C and flu medication. My influenza got worse, now I got a plus plus cough. *_*

Never... never give up

Only 4 hours sleep last night (or should I say dawn?) costs me a lot of troubles.

I cannot concentrate in my study at all. Lectures were hard and I got migrain many times. My influenza got worse. The used-to-be-only-potential pimple expands to its maximum radii.

I felt out of weather throughout the day. I became more clumsy than I usually am. I left my pouch in the canteen.

All I have to do is to be consistent. But I rushed and ruined many things.

Patience... patience...

Need to pay my sleep debt @_@ and then start over.

More than just eyebags

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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

bless you!

I catch a cold.

:-|

No mercy for virus!

Revise. Review. Practice. @_@

SNEEZE!

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Sunday, August 15, 2010

One, NUANSA practice today was fun. I start to have this so-called affiliation with the project. So late, huh? The thought of being only MPSH (Multi Purpose Supporting Human), that was what inside my mind all this time. From now on, I will be the best "friend number two", the best "dutch number two", and the best "Nyai's mother in the past"on the stage...!

Two, I tried to make good use of my time. I am still distracted with a lot of things inside my head. "I am so afraid that I cannot survive this semester." , "I got priority, shouldn't be thinking about *@*#*$*%* too much." , "Have I consumed a balance diet today?", "Ah! Forgot to bring my jacket with me..!" To be prudent with my study, something that I had failed to do last year. I have no choice other than keep struggling with this. 6 hard modules, CCAs, (very beginner) piano lesson, toning up exercises, my faith formation... Having all these, I have to believe that God never gives us difficulty for the purpose of giving only the challenges alone. There are lessons learned..

"Remember that you're perfect, God makes no mistake." 
I always love to quote this line. :)

Three, I went to August Recollection at Hilcrest.
http://www.donghaeng.net/english/flash/flash36.htm
He definitely put the rubber band on me, thankfully...

Four, I had a fancy dinner with my brother, it is in our monthly routine. This month, our choice is "California Pizza Kitchen" at Orchard Forum Mall. We tried this Peking Duck Pizza.
our Peking Duck Pizza!

It is in my favorite list now. It is not really a pizza I think. It tastes very different from traditional pizza. It got fried wonton on it, duck breast pieces, shitake, leek, mozarella and... hoisin sauce. It has a very unique oriental flavor served on pizza dough. Worth a try. :) Also had this pasta, forgot the name because it was too long, which was nice but not so WOW. We bought Famous Amos chips on our way back. It was my first time trying those chips. Now I see why it is so expensive. Very nice ones! 

Fortunately, this so-called monthly routine happens only once a month. After today, we will have to cut corners... save money for the next month's fancy dinner. >.< Burn the calories, too!!!!

My brother, he is like our family's treasure. Only seeing him has made me so happy. 

Five, went to Mai's surprise birthday party. Happy birthday!  I think she and her boyfriend look so lovely together. Awwww... >.<

Now it is so late at night already. I am supposed to pay this week's sleep debt. But here I am still tick-tick-tick typing on my Macbook. I just cannot help it, blessed is today, and this blog needs something positive written inside, overloaded by too much whining alr. LOL. 

I am currently listening to Bon Iver's song. I think every ear should be given a chance to hear his music, every mind should be given chance to contemplate his lyrics. 

I am still in love with Sergei Prokofiev's "Romeo and Julia". The music is beautiful and strong. I did my laundry with this song. And I feel... this laundry that I am doing is so grand!! 

The moon is crescent tonight. The sky is so bright, such that the moon glows. 

1 girl.

Nature.

Music.

Syubidubidu~

Saturday, 14 August 2010

A. Delusive hopes


B. Bitter truths

Choice & Chance

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Friday, August 13, 2010




"sounderesque"

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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I had a chat with a girlfriend. Everything was fine until she complaint about her sunburn. She said she wanted her fair complexion back. Then I said to her that her skin will exfoliate and the new-grown one will be just as fair as it used to be. 

"Wooh... I hate dark skin, it is ugly..", she said it loud.

Behind her, was a girl, with noticeably darker complexion than hers. She must have heard that. She just stare at my friend's back. I saw that but my friend did not. 

What makes me think from that moment is not the fact that my friend had said something bad. But I notice, that something happens when we do not see it, and we do not know what it is. So then, I was forced to recall a remarkable question.

"Who are you to judge?"
That question once struck me before, from the mouth of a very good friend of mine. That moment, I thought I made a very obvious judgement. That terrorists are bad persons. I thought that was of what's black and white. But still, she asked me that question. 

Our judgements always fail, and are always unfair. It is like a computer program. It may work at some conditions, but even when it is nearly perfect, it fails at some point. The same applies to our judgements. 

We are blind, that's the problem. We are unable to see everything. There are so many things that are out of our range of vision. To make it worse, we are often tempted to make a judgement of what's good and bad. Those of which criterion are what is inside one's heart. If those which are visible are invisible when they are in our blindside, what could we know about heart? Anyone has seen deep through one's heart? Only God can.

We are blind that we are blindsided. That is probably why we keep making judgements, unfair ones. And for this, the pathetic one is not the person who is being judged, but those who make the judgement.

But the temptation is always there. And when it comes, I always want to be reminded that everyone is the same human, a struggling human, a soul pilgriming in the world. That our destination, who is our Maker, is good. When we fail to apply this to somebody, then we are seeing him/her as a stereotype rather than a fellow human being.

And if there is a time I cannot see it, remind me that I am blindsided, or maybe I am obstinately blindfolding myself.

From our blind point of view

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Monday, August 9, 2010



Life is beautiful
We love until we die

When you run into my arms,
We steal a perfect moment.
Let the monsters see you smile,
Let them see you smilling.

Do I hold you too tightly?
When will the hurt kick in?

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.
We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.

Yeah, life is beautiful.
Our hearts, they beat and break.

When you run away from harm,
Will you run back into my arms,
Like you did when you were young?
Will you come back to me?

I will hold you tightly
When the hurting kicks in.

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated,
we barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.

Stand where you are.
We let all these moments pass us by.

It's amazing where I'm standing,
There's a lot that we can give.
This is ours just for the moment,
There's a lot that we can give.

...there are miracles...

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Friday, August 6, 2010

I think I have caught a wrong signal.


a very wrong one.


Wake up, Brie!

Wrong Signal

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Thursday, July 29, 2010

So many good things happened at home; quality time with family and friends, good food and companion, a lot of space, night sky with stars spread like sand... My head sings "Loving you is easy" everyday

My heart desires not to leave them.

It is now a silent room of 9 meter squared area. Cramped with a lot of lonely stuffs. So quiet, no neighbors, they have not arrived yet, but even when they have, it makes no difference. My head keep singing "All by myself". 1 year has passed and I am still Stu the Cuckatoo: A new comer in the zoo. I am still uncomfortable with fellow zoo residents.

I have these : a big big fear that would make me want to throw up even just by thinking of it, quite severe homesickness and a tension in my head when I am with other people here.

I am supposed to be chasing my dream, but I got distracted by things and people. The road is narrowing yet. It's not that I want to go back to those days, I am just searching for the sky I've lost. Am I being ridiculous?

There isn't a place to go back to. It is like Ed and Al's story in the FMA Brotherhood. Need to be strong. HIyaaaaaaHHH....!!!

1 posting I done
The space is still so unfriendly.
But at least I still got air con :D

I can't go back, the story has started.
So this pain and the comings, I welcome them also!

!

!

!

fighting!

Post paradise syndrome

Posted on

Monday, July 12, 2010

Anything associated to time is now a horror to me.

Everything about going back to Sg has been my fear.
But there is nothing left for me in this town.


Swollen...
is my head.
bumped to the water slide this morning.

Bound to Nowheres

Posted on

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

My mum, dad and little brother went to Singkawang. I, for some reasons, did not go. My school is having their 60th anniversary and they (claimed) they had quiet a big celebration for that. They got bazaar, snacks, got mass jogging... But, I was expecting something too much, It was sooo hot, and soooo boring, there are old aunties and uncles everywhere having reunion.  I met old teachers from my high school. Bite me, the meeting was not interesting at all. I never like my school in my hometown. I went to school only to meet friends, to win prizes got some certificate needed for me to go to university. The teachers are so annoying, unappreciative, boring and narrow-minded. I did not demand them to be as smart as whatever is smart. enough badmouthing. 
So, I invited my friends for a sleepover in my house! We can go loud and nobody would complain. Finally, there were 4 of us. Caroline, Hilda, Marini and I. Eventhough everybody is in town, it is still not easy to gather all crew of the gank. There is always something. Rena had to go to mass jogging this morning so she cannot join, Erni got something to d, we don't know what that is.. Sigh... But, that's OK! Still got Karaoke, Kakap outing on the list! They cannot miss the other ones.! 
But it is fun already with 4 of us together. We gathered quite often this vacation. 2 days before, we went to Marini's house and played board games, we played the Game of LIfe, and then I teached them how to play Ninja, it was very fun, I had been talking about this game that I learned from youTube back in Singapore, but nobody seems to care enough to give a try, it was very entertaining yet exhausting. Afterwards, we played badminton. I did not play for quite a long time. Never managed to find a mate to play with at SG.  I am a picky player, I suck at it so I do not reveal my badminton skill to too many people. LOL
Hilda and CP came first. We prepared my room and everything. I have this inflatable bed at home, it is quite big, 2 people can sleep on it comfortably. So we inflated it by using an electric air pump. 2 people can sleep on my bed. So, 4: perfect number. 
Hilda, CP and I then watched "She's the man". Quite Hilarious. Good to build up our mood. 
It is a typical Disney's teenage movie (I am talking about old Disney's, Today's Disney's are doomed). Will entertain a high school girl a lot. 
Then, the three of us felt hungry. So we just went to the street by foot and hunt for food. Finally, we ate Keng Ci Kwe Tiaw. It has been a while since I eat it. It is so unhealthy. They put so many MSG in it, use much oil and soy sauce. And, it is sold in a hawker stall. Typical hawker in Indo, it is very unhygienic. But it tastes fine. And the atmosphere is so alive, very classic like in old Chinese movies. 
We went to supermarket and bought snacks for ourselves. We bought old school snacks. Nyam-Nyam, Yuppi Pizza, Tini Wini Biti, Kwaci, Oreo and Milk. So, Marini finally arrived and we watched "Penelope"
Nah, this one is a girl-movie. It is cute. And I like the message behind this movie. Penelope is supposed to be an ugly-cursed girl, but she is pretty what....  What an offense to me!!  LOL. Just like other fairy tales, what do we need to break the curse? All people thought it is about finding her true love and the curse shall be broken. It turns out that, all that is needed to break the curse is for her to love her the way she is. Sweet movie. 
We craved the snacks. We ate kwaci like uncles. We ate the Oreo with milk. It is super delicious! Btw, I got hot glue gun at home. And I got some hairpin. I bought a set of cheap artificial flower and made a flower hairpin by myself! 
I saw them selling these hairpins for S$6 in SG. Walah... I can quit school and open this new business. heheh... 
Would anyone wear that thing to school? 
Sangat Alay. LOL. My friends said I was like a drunken aunty with that thing on my head.
We did not stop, we watched another movie. It is "the Lovely Bones". The child actress playing Susie Salmon there is soooo lovely, I can't take my eyes off her, hence it is Lovely Bones.  
Had it been me playing her role, the movie will be "the Bones". LOL. Seriously, I could not believe she was the one who played Mayfleet in "the City of Amber". The girl is something-something Ronan.. I forgot the first name. Too lazy to google it. She is not really Woohoow. But in this movie, she is so gorgeous. That's one reason to watch this movie, but not the main one. The picture, the soundtrack are so beautiful. It was an indulgence for senses.. It got the thriller and drama in good proportion. This movie is a harmony. Must watch!
Our eyes cannot hold any longer. We stopped. We turned off the light and tried to sleep. Some old stories at school brought us to our sleep...
Next day, we watched "No Reservation". 
It was just an OK movie. The guy is not out type. His face is too western. But Miss Zeta-Jones is always my favorite. I adored her appearance. She is so elegant and graceful. Other than that, nothing much.
I am listening to Ingrid Michaelson's Keep Breathing. Cute one.
They then played the Korean movie, "Baby and me" 

Korean thingy. I watched it. The baby is cute. The movie, boring, typical Korean comedy. Not nice at all. HIlda slept while watching. LOL. It is ssoooo boring.  
That was our last movie together. They went home.. I was left alone..  *sob* 
Now I am going to watch "The Boy in the Stripped Pajamas". Alone. 
It is a dark movie. Its setting is at World War II. I always like movies about WWII. And I would always go gloomy after watching them. I bet I also will this time...

And they keep talking about this movie. "My Name is Khan".
I watched the trailer and I think I will like it. Buy me, anyone?

Sleepover

Posted on

Sunday, June 20, 2010

It has been 3 days since I was home. 

I ate a lot of things.. How come I do not? My parents treat me my favorite local dish. And everytime I hesitated to eat them, they would say "Just eat it, you seldom find this in SG ryt?? You are not fat, dear...". Thus, sikat...!

Everytime my friends and I go out we also hunted for local dish. Pontianak local dish includes chai kue, cha chai kue, cha ko kue, cha kway tiao, yam mi, te moe etc... They all are not healthy, they contain te iu (pig abstracted oil) and of course MSG... which is why, they are soooo tasty! 

Today is Bakcang Day. We chinese have Ciak Tua Kai. My Mum did not make bakcang. She buy it from someone whom she heard made a very good one. And it is!! Sooooo delicious...!

亲爱的身体，我对你不起了。。 请原亮（credits to Kachiko for pointing out my mistake. beginner chinese! heheh) 凉我。。明天跟妈妈去游泳以后， 你应该瘦削吧！

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Yesss, I have been practising my chinese again. I go to the same private class together with my bro. He is an expert already, he learned many difficult words and he does his chinese composition every day. So, I just sit there and listen, jot down many phrases and words. But the 老师， who is an old man, is very good one. He is old yet so energetic, he can understand English too. He explains many things to us, one character can take half an hour. He would tell us how to use the phrases properly, and I always love proper language, altho am still very poor in it. So, there is this kind of Chinese fever inside our home. My mum is a big fan of Chinese language, she used to study it in college, but she forgot a lot already.. She would call us by our Chinese name, which is soooo sweet to me.. My name is 林秀凌。 My mum told me that it was chosen by considering the strokes inside the character, my birth time and many things that I cannot grasp. According to my birth time, one can see that I am an ambitious and proud person, I worked so hard and prone to stress, and I am envious. I am independent, but this is in a bad sense, so my love life is not going to be so good.. Those are my shortcomings.  I do not like to admit it, but I think this is true. She told me that she went to someone who posses the ability to understand these things and that person told my mum those things.. And thus my name is 林秀凌。 秀 is for me to have more gentle attitude. 凌 is for me to have more serene life, to be protected by a reliable guy. Walah.. surely my mum watched too much K-drama... 

by the way, my favorite chinese song is that one, the old Judge Bao's opening OST, it is in my list of songs that I am going to sing when I go to karaoke with my friends. hahah...

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I practiced piano in front of my mum today. And she said I played nicely. :)) hehehehhh.... She never plays, and that's why she think I play well.. LOL... But I learn piano only for fun, I like music altho not good at it. Nice to hear someone says she likes me playing. 

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I am currently reading William Golding's Lord of the Flies. He was the recipient of 1983 Nobel Prize for Literature. It is quite a chim read. tough one. It was published in 1954 and was said to be "one of the most disturbing and celebrated novels of modern times." The novel is about a survival of a group of schoolboy on a desert island. It represents the fragility of man's enterprises. Ironically, I found out about  this book from a sit-com TV show "Two and a half men", it was in one episode when Alan, forced Jake, his son, to read this book. I thought this would be a funny one.. It turns out tht it is not, and I am even more interested to read it, with a dictionary for the best. hehehe...

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I almost never contacted my old friends during school time. As I remembered, I was too busy, everyone is too busy to find a time to conference in MSN. This holiday, our period synchronized. PW, CP, tOMAt, Erni, Rena are now at Ponti.. We are still waiting for Oli and Nunu... I chatted with them a lot. And I treasure them. Nowhere else in the world I would have such friends. We are soooo happy together, we laughed a lot and aloud! They know me, with all my flaws and imperfections, and they never complain. Although keep encouraging me to be a better person, they are always warm and caring. At this point, I feel sick thinking of going back to NUS. I have been living a solitude life there. I have always been like that. The difference is, my friends here approach me. While, there... everybody just say "well.. shame on you...". 

OK, I agree, my friends spoil me too much. 

Tomorrow we will be watching Karate Kid in cinema. Yay!

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And lastly,

No, I do not miss either Singapore, my room at PGP, NUS, not a thing there... 

-downtown girl.



My Hometown Pontianak Part 2

Posted on

Thursday, June 17, 2010

When I am emo, and I am frequently, I listen to songs.. 

I am either a romantic or sentimental kind of person. When I am emo, I am the latest one. And inside me, is the soul of poet, although I do not possess a great ability in expressing myself beautifully in words, but I believe in the power of words, and have always been finding comfort by expressing things through written words. 

I have a playlist in my iTunes called "My Compilation for broken heart moment". I like songs with good music, compact, not too light and not too catchy.. and above all, I like songs with powerful lyric. 

These songs are my perfect companion during heart-breaking moments...  They pull me deeper, to my most fragile point, then let me shed my tear there... then I am a brand new happier person. :))

here are some of my most favorite ones: (not necessarily in most-least favorable order)

  1. Boston by Augustana
  2. Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
  3. Cold Water by Damien Rice
  4. 9 Crimes by Damien Rice
  5. Misguided Ghost by Paramore
  6. Warning Sign by Coldplay
  7. Why does it always rain on me by Travis
  8. Learn you inside out by Lifehouse
  9. Pills by Sarah Maclachlan feat. the Perishers
  10. Something in me was dying by Keane
  11. Heaven Forbid by the Fray
  12. Too much love will kill you by Queen
  13. Nara by ES Postheomus
  14. Soldier of fortune by Deep Purple
  15. Rainy Days and Mondays by the Carpenters
  16. Yesterday Once More by the Carpenters
and many more... It turns out that there are a lot of good emo music out there... Too bad, I am not musically inclined enough to compose a song everytime I am sad. If I am, I would have had more than 10 albums with lots lots of hidden tracks by now. Hahaha...

And no, I am not emo now.. These songs are good even in good times, but more powerful during emo times. MY suggestion, try avoiding these pieces when working on physics problem, side effect ranges from temporary and/or permanent emo, low self esteem, lost of identity and motivation up to suicidal tendencies..

LOL

My compilation for broken heart moment

Posted on

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

German tackled Australia by 4-0, as expected for my favorite team in previous 2006 World Cup. And Prince Poldi scored a goal.  Khukhukhukhu~

My mum's been watching Korean drama series. It is very boring, just like other K-dramas I know; porcelain-faced girl fell in love with a guy whose face is more beautiful than mine but the guy is already with other porcelain-faced girl although actually this guy somehow love the first girl. Then they go to lux restaurant for dinner and somebody gets emo, then cry, then a heroic guy came... They go to work with and dress very fancily. Walah... Is it a spell that keep my mum watching that serial? Yah, it is very eye-candy. Everyone looks pretty and handsome.. But, it is boring.. And I don't like the girls, they are prettier than me.

LOL

But I do think people with good-looking appearance are the luckiest ones. They got nice first impression. Wise ones said that you are not supposed to judge a book from its cover. True enough, thanks to talented cover designer, I was fooled by poor book's cover. But I know many good books that come up with nice cover. Aren't they perfect? So are those nice girls with pretty faces. 

Some are just unlucky enough to win the good-looking gene in the gene lottery. These girls can try very hard; they put make up on, wear assorted accessories, buy fancy clothes and etc. But it does not help much.. They can never win those lucky ones.

I know a friend, A. She is so pretty and appealing. She is always beautiful without even trying. Even without any touch of make up and with fishmonger's costume, she is still flawless. And she does not care too much about her appearance. For this, she is everyone's endearment. She arouses envy towards any girls, but it is so hard to really dislike her. She is beautiful inside out. But it is also hard to really love her except you are a lesbian. How it is not... Everytime you meet people when you are hanging out with her, you are suddenly the not-that-anyone-cares girl. So, in the sense of K-drama, you are just some figurant who happens to be friend with the main cast. When people meet you on the street they would ask : "Hey, do you know how is A doing? Where is she now? ". In the sense of High School Musical, you are that one who dance in the back rows. Eventhough you are in the movie, people never notice you because you are always covered with Vanessa's long beautiful hair. LOL

Another friend, B. She is a nice girl but not the good-looking one. She tries very hard, and she does it. But she can never beat A whom is effortless.

What if we switch A and B's packaging? Will they still be the same person? Will they still have the same attitude about how they look? It could be that A can care less because she WAS born pretty. Will she be miserable if she is in B's position? Maybe A just act like she does not care, and she does not need to care,  because the nature works everything out for her.. See..? I am making B our figurant now. We do not mention her a lot. LOL

The more I am growing up, the more I realized how key it is for a girl to look good. What an advantage to have the good looks. People judge. What rules their judgements? Media. "She is pretty, ahh that one is lame.." I heard that a lot. I am not comfortable with those. Because I know that when I am not around I would be included into the latest category. Some guys are just soulless. They just say it in front of my face : "Brig, you are not that pretty..". I know it is just a joke, we laughed afterwards. But I know they mean it. hahah...

I am not those who cares too much. I like the way I am. It is just like some people treasure apples more than oranges. But it does make me think. If I can choose my appearance before I was born, if there is nothing wrong in doing so, I would love to have Song Hye-kyo's on me. But I just cannot. If I could, would it mean that I do not love myself? Does a soul come with physical appearance? I don't know. But the world that we are living now seems to give me a hint that it does. Is it fair? No, if I am to see things from the eyes of the world.

So, who is to blame?

No one is to blame for this, neither is God. Neither are those who judge, they may not know how it feels, to be accused of something that is totally out of one's control. Or they are just too trapped inside their narrow definition of beautiful. Neither are media. People can say everything, but it is always up to yourself to choose the right path. 

Speaking about the definition of beautiful... I was stucked there. What is it? No such thing as certainty, even in physics. XD 

If you can depend on the certainty, count it up and weigh it up again
Will you ever feel you are beautiful even when you feel you have reached an end?
If only we can just ignore what we've become.. hahah...

From the hands of our artful Creator, we are all his masterpiece. 
You are beautiful.

Beautiful

Posted on

Monday, June 14, 2010

More than 1/3 vacation has gone. I still have time. Let's not waste it.

Start Organizing.*

Open with prayer. * Get the inspiration.

Build the motivation.*

Turn on the music.

Do the works.*

Bored?? Go to the fridge, just don't turn on TV.

Continue working, now biting and working.. :D

Close with prayer.*

*) credits to (L)Justhalf

Organizing

I managed to wake up at 630 am. I rushed to the toilet and tried to do my morning routine as fast as possible. I walked down the hallway with my head buzzing, I felt so dizzy due to lack of sleep. In fact, I slept for only 2 hours. Credits to Kachiko, he promised to give a wake up call. He never did. Geeeee Kachiko!!! No, it s not his fault... hhaha

and in addition, lack of sleep gave growth to my recent pimple. When I woke up, it was swelling and purplish... It s like I am putting a purple ruby stone there... gross

*Music playing : Haven't met you yet by Michael Buble*--> woow, his voice is damn sexy here!

I had quick breakfast with my beloved Koko Crunch Duo. Chump.. chump.. Byebye my room, the mess and the brand new aircon... see you in 1 month time.. Mummy will be back... I shed my tear and walk away...

No, no tears.. I am not that drama...

and drag my backpack and wait for the bus. It was sooooo looonggg!

As time went by, I went dizzy and my pimple swells even more, it is now filled with oily liquid inside. Yikes,... I couldnt stand the desire to deflate it. It was 930am when I reached the airport and the plane will be taking off t 1035am. I havent bought the ticket yet so I ran to the ticketing office, and as expected for low flight, they still had spaces and I could get the ticket 45 MINS BEFORE TAKING OFF.

When I got to the immigration gate, the security officer asked for my passport and asked where I was going, and I told him.. Pontianak. In Malay speaking countries, Pontianak is a synonym of Kuntilanak, a female ghost which is known for her unpleasant high frequency laugh and a hole in her body and long hair to hide it.  He bursted. I knew what he s been thinking. Huh... embarrasement. T_T

As we all know, the air pressure in the airplane is increased.. so the air was pressing my pimple.. And as the result, it was swollen to its maximum radii and it was stuffed with yellowish liquid inside.. WOow, by then i was like having a jade stone on my face.. walah...

But who cares?? Now I am at home already!

Pontianak does not change a bit. It is still the same small town. Haha...

My mother cooked steamed chicken with turmeric and some herbs and it is sooooo delicious! This is what we are supposed to call chicken, the meat is soft and it has the taste of chicken and not too oily, that ones in Singapore are too oily and too big and they taste like cooking oil...

So here I am at home.. Enjoying wi-fi, world cup, air con and free flow of food and beverages from the fridge. I can forget all my trouble and I am so happy at home.

I thought I will be sleeping in my own bedroom; which is very comfortable; unlike PGP room, it got decent aircon, nice space, perfect bed for slumber, TV... I miss my bedroom!!! I noticed that my mum changed the bedsheet, it is now white with red flower pattern on it, so sweet and calming... :)) I am really grateful for that. But it turns out that my mum and dad had another plan. Together, we move the portable bed to the master bedroom and put it there. So My brother and I sleep together with my mum and dad in their bedroom. Reminds me of my childhood time. It is like a camping now.. hahah....

I told them "I cannot do this, I am a grown up and I will be sleeping in my bedroom. ".  But I just cannot. I thought I am a grown up.. I am one. But I will always be my mum's and dad's little girl

My sister is having her exam tomo. So she is not home yet. Until then we are still incomplete..

Aaaaahhhh.. I am afraid by 6 July I have no guts to leave home.. It happened. Last semester when the time came for me to go back to Sg, I found it was so hard for me. I wept and even thought of quitting school. *here come our drama queen* I said to my mum : " PleasePleasePlease I dont want to leave, I ll be good,... "

I loooovvveeee home
Home is goooood!

More boasting coming soon
hehehe....

My Hometown Pontianak

Posted on

Sunday, June 13, 2010