It has been a very hard week. I mentioned in my previous post, how I messed up all my midterm tests. I had been thinking about what I am going to do with so many choices available. In fact, I often feel I have no more choices left. I screwed everything up. How am I going to fix it? Will I be able to do well in final exam? I wake up everyday with all these burden. Morning shower helps me to wash that away. But, tribulation does not stop there. I went in to class and sat there, with nothing that my lecturer said coming into my head. "Bad, I cannot understand this... I am doomed " and went stress again. Lunch time, I meet people who keep talking about their grades, speaking of how "bad" he have made them (his "bad" is like 21 out of 14 class average). Having got rid of that people, I attend Choir practice. I keep singing sharp notes and I just cannot feel it. I have no idea. And people around me keep telling me that. So, I just lower down my voice for the rest of practice until 10pm. Then I still have to be there for our concert meeting. While everybody is speaking out their idea and minds, I just cannot think of any. I cannot tell which is good, which one is better. And so I just sat silently in the corner of the room. And the meeting ended at 1130pm. The last bus was 1100pm. I asked everyone how they are going to get back to the dorm, and they just said "I don't know". So must I wait for them? There is only one student with a car then. 1 car will only fit 5 persons max. I knew I have to step back, not trying to include myself into that possible 5. It is better to step aside rather than get rejected. So it was 1130pm and I walked down along the empty NUS street. I met only 2 o 3 people jogging. I was completely alone. I can hear my step. I tried to pray to calm myself down. because I was very sad. But I could not even pray. Everything came in flash back. Same old, same old, I had been through this before, this loneliness, this feeling of unworthiness, this fear of being a real failure (I keep tellling myself I am actually still not a failure). And I just cannot hold it anymore. It felt so sad. James Blunt's song played in my head
So while I'm turning in my sheets
And once again I cannot sleep
Walk out the door and up the street
Look at the stars beneath my feet
Remember rights that I did wrong
So here I go
Hello, hello
There is no place I cannot go
My mind is muddy but
My heart is heavy does it show
I lose the track that loses me
So here I go
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
And so I sent some men to fight
And one came back at dead of night
Said he'd seen my enemy
Said he looked just like me
So I set out to cut myself
And here I go
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
I'm not calling for a second chance
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice
Cause I'll just make the same mistake again
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
And maybe someday we will face
And maybe talk but not just speak
Dont buy the promises cause
There are no promises I keep
And my reflection troubles me
So here I go
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
I'm not calling for a second chance
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice
Cause I'll just make the same mistake
I'm not calling for a second chance
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice
Cause I'll just make the same mistake again
For me, being alone has been my way of living ever since I get into TOFI. Many times, it does not mean I am lonely, I could even say I feel better that way. But obviously not for this time. I know I have not been a good friend. And this loneliness is the price that I must pay for it. How should I live? How should I think of these? How should I mend all this mess?
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
And once again I cannot sleep
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
Walk out the door and up the street
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
Look at the stars
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
Look at the stars falling down
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
And I wonder where
Uhuh uhuh uhuh
Did I go wrong?
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