P.S.

And on this night, I once again ride on my train of thoughts..

Money can't buy happiness. But people say money can buy things that make you happy. Well, I have been spending a lot of money on several things this past few weeks. A lot, I mean it, A LOT. How come I still don;t feel happy? I guess the money-buy-things-that-make-you-happy philosophy only applies to another class of people. I felt so unhappy because of this, and when I think of my parents at home I felt so bad and felt very guilty. When you don't have it you desperately want it. When you pay for it, the guilts come along. Would I feel the same way if I am a rich person? I don't know. Have never been one.. But for now, the closer I could get is to think of what I am going to do in the future that will enable me to be a rich person. That really doesn't help.

There are more things in this life other than money...

...

...

...

Friends, for example.

But where are they tonight?

Do I really have one?

Do I really know that I have any?

As I recall the friendships I have made since I was young, I remembered feeling unsatisfied with each single one. I end up parting with my "gangs" and wandered around trying to find my "real besties".

"Real Besties", you know, like the ones in the movies, someone you could share your problems and feelings, without any threat of insecurity.

I have always been insecure. I am always afraid of being alone. Though it may seems to other people that "Leave me alone" is well written on my face..

The problem is on me. I fear I will end up living like this for the rest of my life.

The truth is, I have kept too many secrets to myself. I have been living a life of secret. And since it is very clear that it is a secret, I can't tell anyone.

Because I feel so insecure.

I can't seem to find anyone to tell how heavy my heart is. Can't even find the words to describe it.

What's the use of going for exchange? I would only waste my parents' money to go far away only to emo myself there.

What's the use of being a Physics student if you are that stupid? Even worse, if you don't have any idea what you are doing, or what you are going to do. The only thing I am sure of is that I am unsure. Or maybe I just pretend to be unsure despite my very consent of me hating this Physics things.

What's the use of going to World Youth Day? Hoping for a real conversion? I have seen myself kept falling, even in this momentous Lent season. I have been going to confession only to confess the same sins every week.

The faith is beautiful, and God is good, the problem is only with myself.

What's the point of it all???