P.S.

I woke up today with so heavy heart, felt like failure once I opened my eyes. :(

I just went to library and study there, very quickly. My time is running out and I need to rush because today I will have to go for Legion Curia and I promised the people at Hillcrest to go for their Spanish Night.

I could just skip it if I want. Honestly I really did not feel like going. I was sleep deprived and was so stressed and emo, that made me, without any reason (well, you dont need reason to feel sad. No argument could ever console someone who wants to be sad even when there are enough reasons to be happy), I became very hateful towards life and people, and frankly... God.

Actually, my problem is I had not been going for confession for like several weeks, and I felt like a crap. especially during these past few weeks, I had committed many awful sins. But I am so ashamed of myself. It is very embarrassing to talk about the same sins over and over again to the same priest. In my case, it is even worst, the priest and I know each other. Not that he will scold me or whatever, this priest is a very kind and good priest. I really dont know how to look at him if he knew about it. And I was also discouraged on myself keep confessing the same things every time I go for confession. Bluntly speaking, someone so self-centered like me goes to confession because I dread that someday I will die and go to hell. The fact that I keep repeating the same mistakes is a big question "Do you really love God?"

But the good thing is, I don't stop going for confession. Because I am a physicist, and I am insane! (Einstein defined insanity as doing the same things over and over again and hoping to get different results) ;p Nope nope. It is because I know that the problem is with myself, and not with the confession.

I was scared and I pray hard. I wrote down my sins and was tempted to confess only the small sins. But with a lot of courage, I finally write down the lethal ones. And I went into the confession room. Still hoping that the priest won't recognize my voice... But when I looked at the cross, my heart beat and somehow I speak even louder and clearer. As usual, Fr Joe gave a very nice spiritual direction.

And about my self-interested love of God (I love God because He happens to be the one who in the end will be the answer of my happiness and salvation, not because of Him being who He is), I would now think it more of this way: Like when I have a courtship with a boy, I would want the boy to love me for who I am. Not because he likes to see my beautiful face, or because he is proud of having a smart and cool girl like me as his girlfriend, or because he needs a girlfriend because he doesn't want people think that he is gay or uncool. That's not the kind of love that I want. I have been through this and I know how it feels. But of course the boy will always start with that kind of love. With good direction and courtship, he will definitely be able to love me as I am. So, the same applies to loving God. It is much better to start with this puppy love towards God (rather than being a skeptic who refuse to love anything) , so long as you keep growing and nurturing it to be a real love.

At the end of my confession, he asked me, "what do you have for Spanish dinner?"

"CRAP! He knows it is me!!!"

I was so embarrassed and no words came out of my mouth. The only thing that came across my mind that time is to get out of the confession chamber as soon as I could. So I awkwardly say:

"Well, Father, they are waiting for me downstairs."

And Father said :

"Oh, OK then. God bless you with your exams and apostolate"

I was making this face >:0 *shock* He definitely knew that it is me, the girl he meets every Thursday at Legion Meeting.

I know that I am not supposed to see confession that way. My bad.. my bad..

But above all, I am so grateful for the courage. I am now so much at peace, and optimist about my future. Thank God for today, for the consolations. I feel so brand new and I can see so many chances that God has offered to me. Thanks for the forgiveness and for this new outlook on life. Go for confession. Pray for a while and be humble upon God. He wants you to be clean (and it is so good to be clean) and He helps you to do the cleaning!



I am now so much at peace. I have reserved a day of retreat next Saturday to thank God, to receive many more graces.

I have to stay focused when studying!!!! AYO GGGGIIITTTT!!!!!!!!!