This semester has been a complete disaster for me. I wept, got stressed and alone so many times. I suspected myself to suffer from depression. I cannot concentrate on school, CCA, my faith and friendship. I am not happy with anything, am not contented with myself, with people around me, with my environment, yet, I can't figure out how I want them to be.
Someone like me, might be too much of drama, or soaps, naive... But it just happened and I lost control of my mood, my emotion and everything. Exasperate and desperate as can be, I never thought I would ever live this way. By desperate I mean I could think of committing suicide, of anyway to put an end to my life and if I may, I would just restart it. God won't like it, Mum won't like it, she keeps saying that suicide is a cowardly action. But, if I can make my defense, I am not trying to run away, because I lost sight of where else to run, I just think that I do not deserve to live. But I am afraid of the pain, yeah, maybe I am a coward, I don't even dare to face the pain of suicide.
There is this crazy lady in my head, she keeps accusing me of my failures at school, she keeps telling me that nobody could even like me because I am ugly inside out, she keeps whispering to my head how unfortunate everything is to me, how I could have been better, if only I were him or her, of only I had him or her... I can not stop her. She is corrupting my brain and my soul, she is tearing me to pieces.
I think of school, how I have failed to educate myself, to take chances, to figure out where I belong
I think of my mum, how I have let her down, how I fear that I could never make her happy
I think of my siblings, how I have failed to be a good and dependable sister
I think of my friends, so few come to mind
I think of my life, I can't seem to connect the dots of my past, the future, if I may have one, is bleak and gray
I am scared.
I am scared of life to death.
