The road of university life become more hostile toward myself.
I think last semester has given me enough glimpse of how vicious level 2 modules can be.
It is still level 2, LOL...
Maybe I am stupid.
Ya, the thought haunts me many times this semester. Even tops my list of of "suicidal impulses".
Wait, maybe it is the thought. Maybe my resentment towards that thought hinders me from doing well. Maybe I am not THAT stupid.
Or, maybe it is those tons of CCAs activities that I took last semester; NUSChoir, NUANSA, Physics Society.
I have one more; NUS Legion of Mary. But I enjoy myself there.
Really, though with so many people you see and meet during those activities, with noises so loud and the sun shining bright, you feel alone, you hear nothing, and you see nothing at all.
I met a lot of people; grown up people; who probably see everything merely through what it seems. I faced the real life version of kiasu-ness, bossy-ness, so-called professionalism... 1 minute with these kind of people is enough to make you realize how cold and bitter reality is.
I also met people who seems to be way too perfect; with attribute like that of heroic protagonist in a drama, high class life style, smart and creative; all packaged in a good looking shell.
I envy them.
But I am helpless.
Then, I would blame.
Ah, I am so not contented with my life.
...
...
But I would hate myself even more if I keep letting myself down like this.
I will do better next year.
I plan to go for exchange, get rid of Singapore, and travel far. Let go off the blindfold that has been covering my eyes all this time. Yale, Japan, Canada, New Zealand.
There is no easy way. I will have to do a lot of things, be prepared of rejections and push myself against my own weaknesses.
But maybe I could go for exchange, and be insighted, be inspired.
I will do what it takes to reach my dream to be technology enterpreneur. So far, I am still narrowing my option to energy and resource technology.
Ah, if there is one good thing from 2010, that would be me finding one direction to go. It feels so doomed, to wander around without any goal to aim. Research in physics has already been out of my list. I am very assured of this. Number 1 is because there is no motivation, number 2 is I don't even like being with Physics people. Most of them are irritating :( and self-absorped.
I will work, hopefully I can get internship during semester 2 vacation. I will try to find a way to technology companies, recycling companies in Singapore.
I am fully aware of how hard this could be. I am an absent minded and childish girl. But I am willing to change and learn to be a good career person. Yosh! Yosh!
I am taking Japanese module this semester, and looking forward to better my Chinese.
I will swim regularly and join aerobic class in NUS, also bring my brother along for swimming! :)) I want to be fit and healthy!
For my love life.... who doesn't want to have someone to love and care for you? Maybe not.. I am still very pessimistic and skeptical about myself being able to find someone humble enough to take me as I am. And yet too picky to accept available chance.
Who am I try to fool? I won't say I love myself as I am. I hate seeing my own self (witness how one could be doomed in genetic lottery), I am selfish and childish, and I hate myself that way.
I see, and maybe you see it too... How could one be happy if she is even unhappy with herself?
I will try to work this out too... Read self-improvement books (Yeah right) , get a plastic surgery (LOL), meet more people...
Maybe somehow I could befriend with myself.
There is nobody to impress; I need to show myself that I can live my life.
Maybe next year...
I could be happy :)
