Words have been screaming to be poured out.
I want to blog
BUT
Papers are waiting to be done.
I better not overloading my to-do list.
Till next time, blog ;)
August 2010
Went for NUSChoir late audition this afternoon. Said they had raised their standard for late auditions, to be fair. I was just giving myself a chance. I was very shaky. I prayed to God, if I cannot make it, let it be. Thought I missed the chance again.
"Congratulation! You're in! Do come to our practice this 630pm at CFA." Valentino told me on the phone.
YAY
Y A Y
Y A Y
As expected from NUSChoir, they sang beautifully.
www.nuschoir.org said it all
But 2 practices a week, each 3 hours.. It could feel like I am taking 7 modules now. @_@
Time flies, so fast. People come and people go. To-do list is kept being refreshed again and again. Amidst the sorrowful vicissitudes of life, one cannot help but asking 'What if'-s, 'Will it be'-s, 'How should I'-s... etc.
I am constantly worry about my life; my study, my relationship with others, fear of failures, fear of rejections, fear of neglects, disappointments... and about many little things not to be mentioned publicly. Christ told us not to worry about tomorrow. But for the rest of us, there are not enough hours in a day to worry about all that is wrong. We may not have enough humility and sincerity to surrender our whole life to the will of God. The feel of insecurity to get out of zone of self-indulgence. Inevitable it may be, but we have an anti-worry antidote; it is Good Friday. I find it helps a lot to spend quality time daily, reflecting on the Passion of the Lord.
He has made himself so vulnerable. His vulnerability is our shield against vulnerability. Naturally speaking, the worst thing that can happen to us here is that we die. But by his death, our death becomes a birth. He is shoulder to shoulder with us in our human journey. I suggest that you look at a crucifix (before the Blessed Sacrament if possible) and reflect on his agony in the garden—which was really the agony in his mind. Anxiety is a mind thing. He suffered it to the point of sweating blood. He is with you in this and he can put your mind to rest. Then reflect on and thank him for enduring the betrayal by Judas, the denials by Peter, and the abandonment by the apostles. Thank him for enduring the arrest and the cruelty of the guards and members of the Sanhedrin. Thank him for enduring the endless interrogations and that long night. Thank him for enduring the brutal scourging which robbed him of blood and strength and left him with a pounding headache that remained with him until death. Thank him for enduring the mockery and crown of thorns that caused such pain—and the rejection at the praetorium. Thank him for carrying the cross which caused such extreme shoulder pain—and for falling onto the filthy stone streets with the cross on top of him—and getting up each time. Thank him for receiving the nails into his hands and feet. Thank him for struggling to push down on his nailed feet to raise his body in order to fill his lungs with air as he hung on the cross once it was raised into place. Thank him for enduring such agony for three hours until his strength gave out in that eternal moment when he gave up his spirit and died—giving us his life. This whole ordeal, but especially his time on the cross (where he couldn’t even scratch his nose) was a lesson on releasing control and submitting to the Father. Such awareness puts our lives into perspective.
He has conquered the death so we too can defeat the evils. Keep this in mind, whatever you do, how unfavorable it may be, how difficult it may seem, how in vain you think you are... Jesus has gone through it all.
credits to Fr Vincent Serpa
credits to Fr Vincent Serpa
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you
Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved
Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you
Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved
You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved
I have been thinking of quitting my piano lesson this week. I have stopped practicing for 1 month by now. Last Sunday, I gave myself a try at PGP Music Room. I had a hard time trying to read the music sheet. I have not been used to it again. My fingers are stiff. This one, has been like that since I first start playing, but it got worse.
I was so troubled. I kept thinking of how hard it was for me to find a piano to practice daily. I couldn't afford one. I had to go to my church community centre at Pasir Panjang Road every day. This semester, I took 6 modules, and all of them are hard ones. I need to concentrate on my study, I don't think I can allocate conducive regular practice hour with tons of readings, assignments, quizzes... not to mention CCA commitments...
After 3 months of learning piano, I feel that I do not accomplish much progress. Cannot blame my teacher, Rudy IS very good at playing and teaching. I was confused, is it because I started too late? I started learning at 18 years old. My friends, they started since they were little. I never gave this fact a damn. As long as I have the willing to learn then it should be OK. Until one day someone gave a different view : "Don't you think it is ineffective to start learning at this age? ". Since then I started to doubt my decision in learning piano.
I am not good at it. I suck at it. One discouragement after another...
How unfair... Some friends are lucky to start learning from young age. They got piano at home.
It was too much. I love piano. But maybe some things are not for me. Sometimes, being humble means to let things go.
"That's it..." I gave up.
I talked to my mum on the phone and told her about my decision. It was so emotional. I felt an immense hatred to myself. It is like I was giving up for the second time.
***
NUS Piano Ensemble is opening vacancy for non performing member on this friday. I thought I had let go. I just could not stop thinking about it.
Just tonight, I randomly opened this post at Yahoo! website. 'Armless pianist defies odds in talent show'. I thought he was "another" talented guy who has been practicing since 2 or 3 years old, "only that" he was born without arms.
Just tonight, I randomly opened this post at Yahoo! website. 'Armless pianist defies odds in talent show'. I thought he was "another" talented guy who has been practicing since 2 or 3 years old, "only that" he was born without arms.
Turns out that....
No, he is not, at all! This gentleman, Liu Wei, is a 23 year old Beijing citizen. He lost his arms when he was 10. He was playing hide and seek when he touched the electric cables that costed him his arms. He started learning piano at 19! Using merely his 2 feet. Please please watch his video below. He was performing Richard Clayderman's Mariage D'amour for China's got Talent Show.
It was a powerful performance. I was left speechless, tearful. I felt so thankful for him.
***
I must not give up. Humbleness, that is all that I need to keep persevering. Maybe I got no talent, maybe I am not good in anything. But don't stop. Don't give up. Nobody says it is easy. Everybody must have gone through a lot of hardship before they excel. Maybe I cannot do well this time, but who knows what happen 10 or 20 years later? As long as you remain steadfast, as long as you keep trying over and over your failures, tell me what mountain you can't climb...
Some people are gifted. What seems to you a mountain could only be their ditch. One thing you have to hold firm: God does not call us to succeed, He calls us to give our best effort. Don't lose faith. Nothing is done in vain. So never, never give up.
This also apply to my failed Physics quiz today. Tomorrow must go to NUSPE registration! Must study better also! Everyone must do better!
Rubbish note : Another thing I need is vitamin C and flu medication. My influenza got worse, now I got a plus plus cough. *_*
Only 4 hours sleep last night (or should I say dawn?) costs me a lot of troubles.
I cannot concentrate in my study at all. Lectures were hard and I got migrain many times. My influenza got worse. The used-to-be-only-potential pimple expands to its maximum radii.
I felt out of weather throughout the day. I became more clumsy than I usually am. I left my pouch in the canteen.
All I have to do is to be consistent. But I rushed and ruined many things.
Patience... patience...
Need to pay my sleep debt @_@ and then start over.
One, NUANSA practice today was fun. I start to have this so-called affiliation with the project. So late, huh? The thought of being only MPSH (Multi Purpose Supporting Human), that was what inside my mind all this time. From now on, I will be the best "friend number two", the best "dutch number two", and the best "Nyai's mother in the past"on the stage...!
Two, I tried to make good use of my time. I am still distracted with a lot of things inside my head. "I am so afraid that I cannot survive this semester." , "I got priority, shouldn't be thinking about *@*#*$*%* too much." , "Have I consumed a balance diet today?", "Ah! Forgot to bring my jacket with me..!" To be prudent with my study, something that I had failed to do last year. I have no choice other than keep struggling with this. 6 hard modules, CCAs, (very beginner) piano lesson, toning up exercises, my faith formation... Having all these, I have to believe that God never gives us difficulty for the purpose of giving only the challenges alone. There are lessons learned..
"Remember that you're perfect, God makes no mistake."
I always love to quote this line. :)
Three, I went to August Recollection at Hilcrest.
http://www.donghaeng.net/english/flash/flash36.htm
He definitely put the rubber band on me, thankfully...
Four, I had a fancy dinner with my brother, it is in our monthly routine. This month, our choice is "California Pizza Kitchen" at Orchard Forum Mall. We tried this Peking Duck Pizza.
 |
| our Peking Duck Pizza! |
It is in my favorite list now. It is not really a pizza I think. It tastes very different from traditional pizza. It got fried wonton on it, duck breast pieces, shitake, leek, mozarella and... hoisin sauce. It has a very unique oriental flavor served on pizza dough. Worth a try. :) Also had this pasta, forgot the name because it was too long, which was nice but not so WOW. We bought Famous Amos chips on our way back. It was my first time trying those chips. Now I see why it is so expensive. Very nice ones!
Fortunately, this so-called monthly routine happens only once a month. After today, we will have to cut corners... save money for the next month's fancy dinner. >.< Burn the calories, too!!!!
My brother, he is like our family's treasure. Only seeing him has made me so happy.
Five, went to Mai's surprise birthday party. Happy birthday! I think she and her boyfriend look so lovely together. Awwww... >.<
Now it is so late at night already. I am supposed to pay this week's sleep debt. But here I am still tick-tick-tick typing on my Macbook. I just cannot help it, blessed is today, and this blog needs something positive written inside, overloaded by too much whining alr. LOL.
I am currently listening to Bon Iver's song. I think every ear should be given a chance to hear his music, every mind should be given chance to contemplate his lyrics.
I am still in love with Sergei Prokofiev's "Romeo and Julia". The music is beautiful and strong. I did my laundry with this song. And I feel... this laundry that I am doing is so grand!!
The moon is crescent tonight. The sky is so bright, such that the moon glows.
1 girl.
Nature.
Music.
Syubidubidu~
I had a chat with a girlfriend. Everything was fine until she complaint about her sunburn. She said she wanted her fair complexion back. Then I said to her that her skin will exfoliate and the new-grown one will be just as fair as it used to be.
"Wooh... I hate dark skin, it is ugly..", she said it loud.
Behind her, was a girl, with noticeably darker complexion than hers. She must have heard that. She just stare at my friend's back. I saw that but my friend did not.
What makes me think from that moment is not the fact that my friend had said something bad. But I notice, that something happens when we do not see it, and we do not know what it is. So then, I was forced to recall a remarkable question.
"Who are you to judge?"
That question once struck me before, from the mouth of a very good friend of mine. That moment, I thought I made a very obvious judgement. That terrorists are bad persons. I thought that was of what's black and white. But still, she asked me that question.
Our judgements always fail, and are always unfair. It is like a computer program. It may work at some conditions, but even when it is nearly perfect, it fails at some point. The same applies to our judgements.
We are blind, that's the problem. We are unable to see everything. There are so many things that are out of our range of vision. To make it worse, we are often tempted to make a judgement of what's good and bad. Those of which criterion are what is inside one's heart. If those which are visible are invisible when they are in our blindside, what could we know about heart? Anyone has seen deep through one's heart? Only God can.
We are blind that we are blindsided. That is probably why we keep making judgements, unfair ones. And for this, the pathetic one is not the person who is being judged, but those who make the judgement.
But the temptation is always there. And when it comes, I always want to be reminded that everyone is the same human, a struggling human, a soul pilgriming in the world. That our destination, who is our Maker, is good. When we fail to apply this to somebody, then we are seeing him/her as a stereotype rather than a fellow human being.
And if there is a time I cannot see it, remind me that I am blindsided, or maybe I am obstinately blindfolding myself.
And if there is a time I cannot see it, remind me that I am blindsided, or maybe I am obstinately blindfolding myself.
Life is beautiful
We love until we die
When you run into my arms,
We steal a perfect moment.
Let the monsters see you smile,
Let them see you smilling.
Do I hold you too tightly?
When will the hurt kick in?
Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.
We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.
Yeah, life is beautiful.
Our hearts, they beat and break.
When you run away from harm,
Will you run back into my arms,
Like you did when you were young?
Will you come back to me?
I will hold you tightly
When the hurting kicks in.
Life is beautiful, but it's complicated,
we barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.
Stand where you are.
We let all these moments pass us by.
It's amazing where I'm standing,
There's a lot that we can give.
This is ours just for the moment,
There's a lot that we can give.