P.S.

Literally, I fell quite a number of times this week. The first time, is on our way to OG outing, on the steps at PGP. I fell down and bruised my two legs. The second time, on the steps at MPSH, bruised my palm and legs. The latest one was on the street. I did not notice the small step on my way and thanks to gravity, I kissed the ground. Nothing hurt, only another bruise on my leg.

Ok, 'quite a number' is too much. (Thankfully) The falling happened only three times this week.

The sensation when you are about to fall.. As hard as I can remember, it was so scary. I think my heart was stop beating at the moment. When you hit the ground, it hurts. People look at me; some gave a glimpse of smile (maybe I look funny when I fall?), some just ignored me. I do not know what it was in their mind. But inside my head, I can feel the embarrassment. But it was just a while. I can then smile in relief: "Hey, I am okay! It does not hurt that much!". Then I move on, more carefully, not to repeat the same mistake again.

Wait, there is another fall. This one... got my heart bruised (-->how? o.0)

My relationship ended. It has been quite some time since we (finally) had our (real) breakup. This make me think a lot. 

There was no problem. Not any scene. I just feel that there is no point continuing that thing we claim as "love". I had been questioning on our relationship. Was it love, or was it infatuation? Somebody liked me, and I got carried away. Then we went to see each other. But had I really loved?  

Up till the post is being typed, I believed that my vocation is marriage. My mind keeps asking me : Did our relationship make each of us a better Christian? Have we grown in love with Christ? NOs for those. But I was like blindfolding myself. When I brought this thing up to people, they would laugh, said I was bluffing, but I seriously concern about that. I dream of having a strong and loving Christian family. I just cannot see that we were heading that way. I realized from the very beginning, that we were two very different souls; personality-wise, interest-wise, spirituality-wise and in many things that we value. It is not that I do not value him as fellow masterpiece of God. Well, I don't knowif I do. But I stressed out, shed tears and I remembered being so alone. Difference always exists everytime two individuals interact. That, I understand. But different pieces must fit to each other had they belong to each other...

I was asked to wait for him to change. But I was in pain, I was in vain. And it does make me feel bad to see so many "I" words in the body. Selfish, isn't it?  I was not happy, I did not feel close to Him. And for that, I cannot continue.

Like other falls, it was so scary at first. But once I hit it, I am now so much relieved. There is a fear to try again. I felt so discouraged for being a failure, in this case, for this case. -.-' But, I keep moving on, my senses awake and I now could see the holes and traps that could have stumbled me had I been not aware . Ya,  God has given me yet another invaluable asset for my journey.