P.S.

Tumblr is difficult. So I am back here.

Thank God it is a cloudy Saturday. I am listening to Putumayo Records' French Cafe Series. If only my bedroom is not as messy as it is now, everything would be perfect.

I want to finish my homework soon and go out! By myself, though. So there is a chance that it would turn to be a disaster.

I really don't like to admit this but I really have not been productive since last Friday evening, and been going through roller coaster of emotion. That's where I got the dark circle instead of not having finished my works.

Last year was also like this around this time in September. Last week it was like this too during weekend. Ah, so was 2 days ago and yesterday. I am really tired actually and am telling myself to stop thinking of what's real and I actually know how weird eveything has been wired up in my head but still I believe it. I wonder if taking pills would rest this case. Can I? Shall I? Should I?

I was thinking of writing something in a form of fiction to help myself to comprehend my situation. I cannot articulate this feeling, this emotion, neither my cognition (and if it exists), it is too complex that I get even more upset when I try to talk it out because those were all wrong choices of words. Perhaps I am processing everything too fast that I got lost in track to trace how the rationality took paths in that. These things, everything, they always come in a click click to me but then I cannot describe why they did.

Is it "irrational"?

So anyway (see I stopped thinking there), I am reading Dr. Jeckyll and Mr Hyde to see how people write this kind of novel. 


I hope I can learn to shift my frame of thinking to something else and not on myself. If you ask me now, I really cannot like anything that I am now and I cannot rest the fact that I cannot accept myself as I really am. That is what makes the ugliest person in the world.

But yes, to be fair, so many more good things to be happy about actually, and to engross myself with. I am supposed to pray for Legion of Mary's retreat which I decided not to attend due to my antisocial-ness and high level anxiety when I 'feel' I have not worked enough. So I better be good for the rest of today and work really hard. And today is mother Mary's birthday. May I love her. I want to. I am so cold-hearted that I don't get the warmth and the romance of loving this important figure in my religion, to whom devotions have unceasingly been resounded by almost everyone I am meeting more often now. Happy Birthday Mother Mary. Can I rest my head in your embrace? :,(

Ah, child, dear one
slumber now...

And yesterday was my sister's graduation in the Netherlands.

Upgraded to Miss Bella Monica BASc. Cool. Congratulation!