Deactivating my facebook account. It is like an act of strike for my disappoinment of life. Of the happy statuses that I could not relate with. Of difficult conversations I could not get in. Of shallow posts, be it emo statuses that is demeaning to emo people (HAHA), unimportant updates of life and so on.
You see, I am the one with problems here.
I am not someone who camps for hours on facebook. My account activity has been almost nil and I have no interest at all to make it better. Perhaps 'losing' too much alr. I am not interested with someone else's life, as no one is to mine.
Is it applicable for my life, too? Nah, nah. I have no life. Guh.
It is another ridiculous episode of mine. But deactivating it is quite like a suicide. There s a fear of losing everything, esp the pictures from previous parts of life which is a sign that I exist.
Facebook reminded me that these people will miss me, I found most of whom I came to complete loss of contact with. It reminded me again that things are especially complicated with the parents, almost no contact in 2 weeks already now. With the sister who I spent a lot of time with last summer. And even with the brother who stays in the same area with me. Gosh, what a broken tie. I am too lazy to be the one to fix it.
See, deactivating the account can be dramatic.
Until I found out that they had the option for 'temporary'.
To my defense, I have been having a series of mild illness. I have not been studying for my coming exams, and am not getting any internship with only 3 digit savings in my account. Call it a punishment for not planning my uni life properly, but really life is that unforgiving? And may I add, unfair? I have been nothing but bitter, been sitting alone at the corner of the dining hall when even the most unsociable boy that I know was at least sitting with a group of people.
"To whom can I expose the urgency of my passion?" -Stranded alien.
I don't have intuition of what it is that is happening inside my brain without cutting it open (desperate enough to think of how it can be done). And I wish my intuitive extrapolation of my future is wrong. I don't want to lose someone whom I ever really love. I wish I could look back to this post one day without wanting to change anything of my past. Knowing how inadequate and insane I am, this is the bitter medicine the Doctor prescribed to me. But why did He make me suffer from this sickness of soul, or put me in the endemic area in the first place? I don't understand this. And I am stupid enough to be an agnostic when I think of this, not Richard Dawkins kind of atheist, but also not belong to Heavens and Its association on Earth (in Singapore where I am, surrounded by His people)
I don't want to lose my religion, really.
First-thing-first thing, I hope I am falling to sleep. It s going to be 4 am soon. I hate this. Been a long day of self talk and self thought. I am tired.
